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Hello! I’m having a mental breakdown D;


Max_Ali
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Hello! I’m new here I just discovered this site today at 3:24 in the morning. You may call me Max or Ali and I think I prefer the pronoun “they”. Also, English is not my first language so I’m really sorry if I spell something wrong.

Sorry for the intense title but I do feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m 27 and suddenly questioning everything in my life that I thought I already knew for sure.

To say a little about myself… I’ve been in treatment and therapy for chronic depression and general anxiety for almost two years now. I also have Borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and PTSD. Basically my mind never lets me rest haha.

I also found out I’m adopted a year ago, which has also been a pretty wild ride, I’m still processing it. 

I’ve had only three sexually-romantic monogamous relationships in my life, all three with girls. Which were all disastrous and toxic. This past Christmas I had a sudden and pretty intense revelation. I’m almost 100% sure I was never in love with them, I thought I did but I now realize what I felt for my ex partners was an unhealthy obsession with lots of abandonment issues. I’ve never feel sexual or romantic attraction for anybody, until they wanted that from me and I just forced myself to fit in and feel the same way for them because I didn’t know I could say “no”. 

And then I thought, hell, I’ve never had a more loving, happy, healthy, mature and fulfilling relationship that the one I had with my best friend the period I studied abroad. I was happy, stable, I had everything I needed. We would go about our lives and do our own personal things but we called each other every single night just to say goodnight. We saw each other almost daily, we had fun together, we ate together, we supported each other, listened to each other, took care of each other, at one point we lived together, did groceries together, shared the same bed. And never once did something “romantic” or sexual happened between us, I never wanted it and I’m pretty sure she never wanted it either. And the point is, I never needed it. We would have romantic or sexual (in my case) things with other people, and I was fine and fulfilled with that. 

The point is I realized I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved and still love her. I’ve never found with other person what I had with her. And I freaked out because now I feel like I’m platonically in love with her, and I’ve been, for six years. And I’ve been searching on google because I don’t know what this means. It feels more that any other friendship I’ve ever had but it’s not romantic and certainly not sexual.

So a year ago I thought I was a gay architect woman open to romance and sex. But now? I finally admitted my job doesn’t make me happy, I don’t fit in any gender, I’m just starting to use pronouns I actually feel comfortable with, I don’t know if I’m gay anymore, I don’t want romance, I crave platonic intimacy and I can enjoy sex sometimes. But not with the same person. And I don’t know what it all means.

And I just wrote a freaking letter for an introduction. But I haven’t even told my therapists about this. So I’m trusting this community I want to be a part of, I told you things about me not many people know because I don’t want any more stigma in my life and if you feel related to any of it and want to talk please feel free to write me, it would make me very happy. I send my greetings to all of you and thank you so much for reading all the way down here! 

Ps: it’s 5 am now, so it took me THAT long to write this haha.

 

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Hello Max, and warmest of welcomes! 

I definitely know the confusion you describe very well, and I know for a fact a fair few people on here do too. You've been through a lot to discover your orientation and gender. This is on the whole a very chill and nice forum, I hope you'll find a community here! If you have discord, there's also a server that is slightly more active just due to the nature of forums vs social messaging platforms. 

Welcome again <3

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Welcome

Sounds like you have been through quite a lot recently.

You and your best friend sound like you had a wonderful relationship though

9 hours ago, Max_Ali said:

And I just wrote a freaking letter for an introduction. But I haven’t even told my therapists about this. So I’m trusting this community I want to be a part of, I told you things about me not many people know because I don’t want any more stigma in my life and if you feel related to any of it and want to talk please feel free to write me, it would make me very happy. I send my greetings to all of you and thank you so much for reading all the way down here! 

That was very kind of you and took a lot  of bravery. Hopefully we can be worth your trust here.

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Hello Nisse and Roboticanary! I’m sorry I don’t know how to answer to you both individually so I thought writing a comment would be my best shot.

9 hours ago, nisse said:

Hello Max, and warmest of welcomes! 

I definitely know the confusion you describe very well, and I know for a fact a fair few people on here do too. You've been through a lot to discover your orientation and gender. This is on the whole a very chill and nice forum, I hope you'll find a community here! If you have discord, there's also a server that is slightly more active just due to the nature of forums vs social messaging platforms. 

Welcome again <3

47 minutes ago, roboticanary said:

Welcome

Sounds like you have been through quite a lot recently.

You and your best friend sound like you had a wonderful relationship though

That was very kind of you and took a lot  of bravery. Hopefully we can be worth your trust here.


Thank you both for your kind words and your warm welcome, I felt really happy reading your comments. It reassures me that I made the right decision reaching out to this community. 

I want to say that if you ever need anything or want to chat you can totally write me!

Ps. I really don’t know what discord is haha but I’ll look it up! I send you both virtual hugs or virtual handshakes, whatever you feel comfortable with.

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