Hello! I’m new here I just discovered this site today at 3:24 in the morning. You may call me Max or Ali and I think I prefer the pronoun “they”. Also, English is not my first language so I’m really sorry if I spell something wrong.
Sorry for the intense title but I do feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m 27 and suddenly questioning everything in my life that I thought I already knew for sure.
To say a little about myself… I’ve been in treatment and therapy for chronic depression and general anxiety for almost two years now. I also have Borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and PTSD. Basically my mind never lets me rest haha.
I also found out I’m adopted a year ago, which has also been a pretty wild ride, I’m still processing it.
I’ve had only three sexually-romantic monogamous relationships in my life, all three with girls. Which were all disastrous and toxic. This past Christmas I had a sudden and pretty intense revelation. I’m almost 100% sure I was never in love with them, I thought I did but I now realize what I felt for my ex partners was an unhealthy obsession with lots of abandonment issues. I’ve never feel sexual or romantic attraction for anybody, until they wanted that from me and I just forced myself to fit in and feel the same way for them because I didn’t know I could say “no”.
And then I thought, hell, I’ve never had a more loving, happy, healthy, mature and fulfilling relationship that the one I had with my best friend the period I studied abroad. I was happy, stable, I had everything I needed. We would go about our lives and do our own personal things but we called each other every single night just to say goodnight. We saw each other almost daily, we had fun together, we ate together, we supported each other, listened to each other, took care of each other, at one point we lived together, did groceries together, shared the same bed. And never once did something “romantic” or sexual happened between us, I never wanted it and I’m pretty sure she never wanted it either. And the point is, I never needed it. We would have romantic or sexual (in my case) things with other people, and I was fine and fulfilled with that.
The point is I realized I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved and still love her. I’ve never found with other person what I had with her. And I freaked out because now I feel like I’m platonically in love with her, and I’ve been, for six years. And I’ve been searching on google because I don’t know what this means. It feels more that any other friendship I’ve ever had but it’s not romantic and certainly not sexual.
So a year ago I thought I was a gay architect woman open to romance and sex. But now? I finally admitted my job doesn’t make me happy, I don’t fit in any gender, I’m just starting to use pronouns I actually feel comfortable with, I don’t know if I’m gay anymore, I don’t want romance, I crave platonic intimacy and I can enjoy sex sometimes. But not with the same person. And I don’t know what it all means.
And I just wrote a freaking letter for an introduction. But I haven’t even told my therapists about this. So I’m trusting this community I want to be a part of, I told you things about me not many people know because I don’t want any more stigma in my life and if you feel related to any of it and want to talk please feel free to write me, it would make me very happy. I send my greetings to all of you and thank you so much for reading all the way down here!
Ps: it’s 5 am now, so it took me THAT long to write this haha.