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Questioning again, yeah


Arsenic
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Well, so... I've been questioning my romantic orientation for a few time, and each time I try to understand myself I just end up feeling way more lost than at the beginning.

Some months ago I realised I am ace, and I am super happy to finally understand myself in that way, but then I started questioning other points of my identity. When I was younger I had some crushes, or at least I thought so (it came to be just aesthetic or platonic attraction). I've been in some romantic relationships (nothing serious) and when I broke with someone it just felt good, l felt free and more like myself. I've never wanted to marry, or to be in a romantic relationship with someone.

Here is where everything starts to be kinda weird.

Six years ago I met a girl, and we became super good friends. We connected, and we started to talk everyday. She was always telling me about her boyfriends and girlfriends, and I kinda felt jealous. I didn't want to date her, but I neither wanted her to date others. I wanted her to pay attention to me (yeah, I sound a bit toxic, but I am just bad at explaining myself). I thought that if she made other friends and/or met cooler people than me she would leave alone, and I didn't want to be alone anymore (long story). Well, the point is, she asked me to go out three years ago, and atm we are dating. I know she is a very important person to me, she has always been my best friend, she knows me better than anybody, better than I know myself, but after a long time thinking about it, I am not sure if I feel romantic attraction for her. I don't like kissing, but I love cuddles. I feel kinda awkward when we talk about love stuff, or when we call each other things like 'honey', 'dear', and everything like that. I know that I want her to be in my life, I need  her to be with me, as well as I know she needs me, but... I don't know. I've never felt for her the things like butterflies in the stomach, or the blushing and heart racing thing, or the thinking about her 24/7 thing.

It is so fucking hard to determinate if I feel romantic attraction when I don't even understand what it is. I know that I am on the aro spectrum, but I don't know if I am aromantic or demiromantic, or something different... Any idea?

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I have ideas...

To me it sounds like you don’t experience a whole lot of romance besides a feeling of jealousy and wanting her for yourself thing which seems to be confusing you. So the question boils down too this. Is wanting someone to stay with you, and not leave for other people a sign of romantic attraction? Sometimes, it is, I can’t really answer this for you, because these are after all your feelings. 

6 hours ago, ArseNick said:

We connected, and we started to talk everyday. She was always telling me about her boyfriends and girlfriends, and I kinda felt jealous. I didn't want to date her, but I neither wanted her to date others. I wanted her to pay attention to me (yeah, I sound a bit toxic, but I am just bad at explaining myself). I thought that if she made other friends and/or met cooler people than me she would leave alone, and I didn't want to be alone anymore (long story). Well, the point is, she asked me to go out three years ago, and atm we are dating. I know she is a very important person to me, she has always been my best friend, she knows me better than anybody, better than I know myself, but after a long time thinking about it, I am not sure if I feel romantic attraction for her.

What I can do is explain why this feeling isn’t always a sign of romance. On some other post about Amatonormativity, some of us Aros where talking about establishing emotional roots with people. That is having emotional longevity with people, finding a secure relationship that will last for some time. While societally finding roots is often done by marriage, or with romantic partners, this need not be the case for everyone. 

It sounds to me like you want to make emotional roots with this person, and this sentiment is shared by Aromantics, and Allos alike. Now this motive (which isn’t necessarily romantic) makes you want the person you love for yourself, in a jealous type way (which also isn’t necessarily romantic). 

It makes sense to me, from an Aro’s perspective, that you don’t like the idea of her dating other people because you are afraid of losing her. For a lot of Aro people, the one’s we love often leave us for romantic expeditions because they are valued more societally. It’s not unusual from an Aro’s perspective that you fear Romantic competition. Also keep in mind I am an Apothi Aro, which means I am easily repulsed by romance. I feel uncomfortable when people act romantically, or talk about romantic things. Sometimes there are just little romantic things like saying honey, which seems to annoy you as well. I bring this up because even for somebody like me, who is Apothi, these feelings of wanting security, and fearing losing people to all the Allos, totally make sense for me, and I don’t cringe at them because they don’t appear romantic to me. I am usually very aware of things I see as romantic motives and actions, and what you described is something even I would feel, and I think of myself as very very Aro. 

Anyway, I encourage you to take what I say as coming from a certain point of view on things, and from my own biased perspective. Hopefully this will help you understand more how you feel about the jealous feeling, and all that jazz...

Also, if something I said doesn’t make sense, feel free to ask me a question...

Thats all from me...

 

 

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16 hours ago, Ikarus said:

I have ideas...

To me it sounds like you don’t experience a whole lot of romance besides a feeling of jealousy and wanting her for yourself thing which seems to be confusing you. So the question boils down too this. Is wanting someone to stay with you, and not leave for other people a sign of romantic attraction? Sometimes, it is, I can’t really answer this for you, because these are after all your feelings. 

What I can do is explain why this feeling isn’t always a sign of romance. On some other post about Amatonormativity, some of us Aros where talking about establishing emotional roots with people. That is having emotional longevity with people, finding a secure relationship that will last for some time. While societally finding roots is often done by marriage, or with romantic partners, this need not be the case for everyone. 

It sounds to me like you want to make emotional roots with this person, and this sentiment is shared by Aromantics, and Allos alike. Now this motive (which isn’t necessarily romantic) makes you want the person you love for yourself, in a jealous type way (which also isn’t necessarily romantic). 

It makes sense to me, from an Aro’s perspective, that you don’t like the idea of her dating other people because you are afraid of losing her. For a lot of Aro people, the one’s we love often leave us for romantic expeditions because they are valued more societally. It’s not unusual from an Aro’s perspective that you fear Romantic competition. Also keep in mind I am an Apothi Aro, which means I am easily repulsed by romance. I feel uncomfortable when people act romantically, or talk about romantic things. Sometimes there are just little romantic things like saying honey, which seems to annoy you as well. I bring this up because even for somebody like me, who is Apothi, these feelings of wanting security, and fearing losing people to all the Allos, totally make sense for me, and I don’t cringe at them because they don’t appear romantic to me. I am usually very aware of things I see as romantic motives and actions, and what you described is something even I would feel, and I think of myself as very very Aro. 

Anyway, I encourage you to take what I say as coming from a certain point of view on things, and from my own biased perspective. Hopefully this will help you understand more how you feel about the jealous feeling, and all that jazz...

Also, if something I said doesn’t make sense, feel free to ask me a question...

Thats all from me...

 

 

Thanks for the answer, I didn't thought I would have a reply...

I think you are right. Well, you are 100% right, I am scared of losing her. She has always been a very important part of my life, she has helped me in everything for six whole years, I can't imagine a world in which I didn't have her in my day by day. The problem is that a few time ago I realised that I wouldn't be sad if she broke our 'romantic' relationship, as long as she stayed in my life as a friend. I just want her to be happy, and I know that she is happy with our current relationship, so I am happy too, but I don't think we both see this relationship the same way.

Does this sound like an aro feeling for you? For some time I thought that I am demiromantic, because I wouldn't be able to date someone I don't deeply know, but sometimes I feel I just date my current partner because I love her so much (not in a romantic way) that I wanna make her happy, and that's because I've known her for 1/3 of my life. I don't even know if this makes sense, it is so weird to explain:(

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I would say if you feel like your feelings are not exactly romantic... to trust your gut. Also, not having romantic feelings doesn't mean you can't love a person in other ways. It is that both of you have to find ways to fulfill your desires and decide whether what you are able to fulfill is enough for both of you.

Also, you could take a look into relationship anarchy? I just discovered this concept not so long ago, so I don't know much either, but it may be good to check that up :) 

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12 hours ago, ArseNick said:

Does this sound like an aro feeling for you? For some time I thought that I am demiromantic, because I wouldn't be able to date someone I don't deeply know, but sometimes I feel I just date my current partner because I love her so much (not in a romantic way) that I wanna make her happy, and that's because I've known her for 1/3 of my life. I don't even know if this makes sense, it is so weird to explain:(

When you say an aro feeling, I suppose you mean a feeling which is strictly aro, and devoid of romantic attraction or desires. Obviously there is a spectrum and some aros feel romantic, or don't quite know if they feel romantic or strictly aro ect. I am just saying this because some people might say that aros don't all feel the same way, and that's true, there is not one objective aro feeling that fits all of us.

So to clarify your question, do you want to know if what your feeling is one someone like me, who is Apothi, and feels no romance would sometimes feel? I am going to assume so, and answer accordingly. (Feel free to let me know if I am misunderstanding your question)

Ok, wanting to make her happy, but not in a romantic way. Yes I would have that feeling. Also you have known her a long time, and this makes you love her more. Thats something I understand as well. You want to date her because you love her, and you want to make her happy, and you would not feel comfortable dating somebody you met at a coffee shop somewhere. You wouldn't want to be super intimate with someone you just met, most people get that, even Allos, and myself. 

 I understand this motive of wanting people to be happy, so they can stay with you, But I want to add some caution on this note.

13 hours ago, ArseNick said:

I just want her to be happy, and I know that she is happy with our current relationship, so I am happy too, but I don't think we both see this relationship the same way.

The cautionary note I want to add is about not seeing the relationship the same way. I just have a question, does she know you are Aromantic, or somewhere on the spectrum, and does she know what Aro means? If she knows, then she at least knows where you are coming from, and about your needs and so forth. If she doesn't know any of this then she could be mistaking your intentions for romantic ones, and would become shocked that you don't feel the same way she feels for you. 

Being able to have transparency, and understand each other, especially in this case, is important for keeping the relationship going strong.

Maybe I am blowing this little part up to much, and she just doesn't have the same aro motives that you have, but she at least knows that you don't love her in a romantic way. 

9 hours ago, Georgi said:

Also, not having romantic feelings doesn't mean you can't love a person in other ways. It is that both of you have to find ways to fulfill your desires and decide whether what you are able to fulfill is enough for both of you.

This is definitely a good point to remember, make sure your relationship with this person allows you to be transparent with her about your own desires and needs as well as hers. 

Anyways, this is just my two sense. Overall your feelings don't seem romantic to me. If you don't feel your feelings are exactly romantic, then I would say to trust your judgement on them.

And that would be all from me....

 

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10 hours ago, Ikarus said:

The cautionary note I want to add is about not seeing the relationship the same way. I just have a question, does she know you are Aromantic, or somewhere on the spectrum, and does she know what Aro means? If she knows, then she at least knows where you are coming from, and about your needs and so forth. If she doesn't know any of this then she could be mistaking your intentions for romantic ones, and would become shocked that you don't feel the same way she feels for you. 

 

She knows what does being aromantic mean, but she doesn't know that I've been questioning my identity in that way. She neither knows that I am ace, because I don't know how to come out. I am sure that she would understand the ace thing, but it is not the same for the aro one... I know that I would hurt her, and that's the last thing I want to do. I understand that at some point I should have this conversation with her, but I don't feel secure enough to talk about it right now.

Now I know I am aromantic, tysm for helping me.

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