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I've been confused


Guest Gnorus
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Hello there.

So... Lately I've been questioning a lot the possibility of being aro, the thing is: until last year I used to just live my life with 0 worries about my own sexuality, pretty laid back I would say, but then, after reading a little about, I realized I just don't know what is a romantic attraction, even with all the definitions, I still think is way too vague.

I used to feel very repulsed when other people approached me saying the famous "I like you", but now I see that they aren't guilty or anything, so I just politely reject them. I know that I feel attracted to people, but it doesn't feel exactly romantic, for example: a few time ago I felt kinda attracted to someone, but not exactly in a romantic way, I just really liked to flirt, talk, be around this person, and wanted this to be mutual, I also felt jelous, I just quickly moved on after realizing it wouldn't work. This is possibly the strongest feeling I ever had for someone, I don't know if it qualifies as squish tho. Lately I'm kinda feeling the same, but in a weaker way, I really appreciate this person's company, personality and appearance, but it's not like I feel "butterflies",  desire to date them or whatever, I just feel very comfortable with them in a natural way.

I kinda feel that I would enjoy being inside a relationship or in situations like hugs, cuddles or even kisses, but maybe for the "nice feelings" that these can bring, not exactly by the possibility of having a romantic content, I don't attribute these items to romantic situations, they just seem cool in some ways, when you have an agreement with the other person, maybe.

I confess that I didn't read all the aro spectrum in a deeply way, I'm not even sure if I really understand the different ways of attraction to be honest. I feel like I belong somewhere inside the spectrum, but I'm very insecure and confused to make it a real affirmation. I know that the only person who can figure this out is me, but... I don't really know, maybe I just needed to vent about this situation, since I feel like my friends don't really get it.

Thanks for your reading, any comment will be very well received.

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It definitely sounds like you're aro spec, and you don't *need* to know exactly where you fall within that. I've sort of given up trying to "figure out" my aro identity for now and I'm just being ok IDing as aro. Maybe something for me to revisit down the track. You don't need to ID as aro (yet) if you don't feel confident about it, but you can still find reassurance and guidance from the way that aros approach relationships and attraction (i.e. not feeling pressured to "do" romance in a conventional way). Just use the labels, identities and ways of thinking that are helpful to you.

Sorry I don't have better advice, but you're doing great! Just getting to this point of questioning is already a huge step forward to getting to understand yourself.

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You are right in saying only you know the answers to your identity. What you described of feeling repulsed by someone confessing to you sounds very aro experience. It is common from what I read here. Now, the jealous part, that can be for various reasons, and not all have a simple answer nor root.

Example: you may feel jealous because you are not the center of attention for this person. Maybe you feel jealous because now, you won't spend as much time with them. Or maybe, you feeling jealous because you are thinking that now there are things you won't be able to make with this person. All three examples are similar but different at the same time. You may call it jealous, but someone else calls it having another thing. What is cereal for you, someone else it may be oatmeal.

This is to say that you are saying you felt jealous, but that doesn't mean I understand what you mean by that, because my refference of jealously may differ from yours.

Wanting to be friends with someone with the motives of being friends is what some call a squish. This intense feeling of "we have to be friends, yes or yes" I've only felt it with 1 person so I am not best example. 

Daydreaming of being in a relationship isn't an indication of anything, just that you want to be something more than friends, and that is fine. You give actions meaning, you bringing a rose to someone vs you saying I thought of you so I got you this rose will give two different results. You decide what are the motives behind your actions.

Lastly, if you want to use the aro, it is fine. I encourage that you use it and see how it makes you feel. You can embrace who you are, if the label you use it and don't feel like it describes or defines you. Drop it. Worst case, you used that time to discover more about yourself, thus advancing in the knwoledge of your identity.

 

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You are what you will be. I would suggest identifying as aromantic, perhaps as an allosexual aromantic. Use that label when you refer to yourself in dating bios or other biographies. See how you feel about it. You’ll quickly learn if it’s a label that you want to have or not. 

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