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Hellishfish

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Everything posted by Hellishfish

  1. It's definitely an ingrained connection within our culture. The classic valentines setting, a nice dinner, a fun event, leading back to wine, chocolates, petals, and a bedroom. It's a progression that our culture is familiar with, its simply the way of things. In my almost entriely uneducated opinion, if we went farther back in humans evolutionary timeline, we would find a point where romantic attraction didn't exist while sexual attraction did. I believe romantic attraction was a developed trait because mates who had a stronger bond beyond the rearing of children were more successful. And suddenly mates who weren't romantically attracted to each other were being outcompeted. that's just my guess though, nothing to back it up.
  2. I have not heard the term asen before. I suppose it makes sense though, an offshoot of asexuality. There does seem to be an anecdotally high correlation between asexuality and aromantacism. I would suggest that asensuality is rarer because of human upbringing. Kissing your mom on the cheek as a kid, hugging your parents, sleeping in their bed and cuddling them when scared. These are behaviors common to children and as children we associate these behaviors with good feelings. It would make more sense to me to see an asensual person be someone who had a distant relationship with their childhood upbringers.
  3. Aromantic relationships function in a different way than typical. Of course you'd lose feelings for your partner if those romantic feelings were never there or only very weak. That isn't a problem, that's who you are. The problem arises when you need to ask yourself how you care for your partner. You don't have any romantic feelings to reciprocate, so do you fill that gap with another type of reciprocation? Such as emotional support, gift giving, physical care, or one of their other love languages? You may not feel any desire to fill the romantic void, and that's fine. Just ask yourself if this is a person you want to stay attached to, and if the answer is yes, then discover what you need to do to fill that void.
  4. I use the word crush liberally. I'm an allosexual aromantic so crush is what I would use to describe somebody that I want to get to know for the sake of physical pleasures like interesting conversation and cuddles. In the realm of romance, words can have a loose meaning since the whole thing is entirely subjective. If you're crushing on someone in the way that YOU crush on people, then they're a crush. It's up to you.
  5. Hello reader. I'm writing this post on a crappy computer inside Nimitz Hall of OCS. It is the location where indoctrination candidates like myself reside for the first nine odd weeks of the officer commissioning process for the US navy. My company mates and I are constantly bombarded by drill instructors, RDC's, and our own psyche. This program morphs us into military officers by taking away every basic freedom and replacing any discrepancy from the plan with "remedial physical training". Even down to how we eat our meals is a closely followed procedure. I'm writing this post because I am struggling with the physical isolation. You see, there is a girl I like in my company. I am aromantic, but I'm also allosexual, so I enjoy being physically close to people. It's the only part of the relationship I really have left to enjoy considering the emotional side is less than present. But holding her hand, hugging her, anything beyond adjusting her uniform is strictly forbidden of course. This program isn't terribly long, it'll take about 16 weeks or so for me, so I know I can cope with this physical void until then. But do ya'll have any suggestions that might help? Should I try cuddling my pillow? Losing myself in independent exercise? Breathing techniques? I'm curious to hear other peoples stories regarding physical isolation.
  6. I was reading The Name of The Wind and in that series there is a romantic relationship between two characters that never begins. As in they come so close to falling in love so many times yet something would always interrupt them or they would decide to stop. I found myself deeply invested in their relationship regardless of my own aromantacism. I was able to be invested because that romance took place outside of me. It was akin to desperately wishing the horse I bet on to run faster in the final lap. So yeah, I still enjoy romantic relationships in books.
  7. Howdy. I’m a bored pnw aro interested in making some physical aro acquaintances. Don’t get me wrong, discord is fine, but I gotta get outta the house. Down for solo or group meet ups. Plenty of brewery’s and bars in portland so should be able to find a place that works. Interested in talking about every else’s aromantic experiences over a drink. I’m 22, just graduated college, currently working for a local water and power utility. I love to hike, game, and read. Send me a reply on here and we can plan for an upcoming weekend!
  8. You are what you will be. I would suggest identifying as aromantic, perhaps as an allosexual aromantic. Use that label when you refer to yourself in dating bios or other biographies. See how you feel about it. You’ll quickly learn if it’s a label that you want to have or not.
  9. It isn’t exactly disgust that I feel, but that comes close. I want to have a sexual relationship but it’s such a hassle when partners develop romantic feelings that I can’t reciprocate. Moments that might be touching, like “I miss you, I wish you were here” become these moments where all I want to say is “that’s nice.” In actuality I say “I miss you too” because it’s no particular skin off my back to lie in that way. How do the other allosexual aromantics here deal with partners and their romantic feelings? I feel terrible, like I’m having to break a persons heart.
  10. First of all, as politely as possible, stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry about. You’re here asking a question, seeking advice. That’s precisely what a forum like this is for. Don’t apologize for using the forum as its intended to be used :) secondly, your question. I won’t lie and say that I fully understand what you’re asking, but I’ll take a stab. If you feel infatuation, that is, you feel a desire within you to be romantically involved with a person, then you would most likely not be aromantic. But I would base your judgment on past relationships. How strong have your feelings been for non-sexual love? I suppose that would be the question you would need to ask yourself.
  11. I agree with vinniebandit. Before telling them that you are aromantic ensure that they know what being aromantic means. It will prevent any misunderstandings, or at least it will give them a good opportunity to ask questions.
  12. This resonates with me. I once spoke to my own mother about my aromantacism and it was painful. She first misheard me and thought I said “I’m a romantic” and she said “I always knew you were with all that romantic music you listen to!” So then I corrected her and she said “well don’t label yourself” as if I wasn’t sure. She was fine with me labeling my self as romantic, since that’s widely accepted and well known. But labeling myself as aromantic? Well now let’s not be too hasty! It really sucked. But I don’t need her understanding to live a fulfilling aromantic life. It does make me wish aromance was more popularly known and accepted.
  13. I want to compare aromantacism to a magician performing a trick. When this magician does said trick, we can be amazed, feel wonder, and be intrigued by the mystery. Once the trick is learned however, it changes. The trick may still indeed be impressive to perform, but that compelling magic is gone. Now to the human brain. I feel that, at least in my personal case, the magic of romantic feelings, or love, has disappeared because its trick has been learned. What is love beyond a complex cocktail of brain chemicals that compel us to develop relationships and procreate? We were selected as a species to build strong relationships. strong relationships increased our chances of success as well as the chances of success for our children. I feel that love is a coercion of nature, a drug that we evolved to help us survive. The above is all I can think of when I begin a relationship. I can’t tell a person that I love them when I know that love is an evolutionary magic trick. It’s fake. Obviously I still care about and care for my partners, but the connection never extends beyond a physical one for me. Anyways, if you’ve taken the time to read this, give me your thoughts.
  14. I’ll be honest friend, these relationship troubles that you’re experiencing extend beyond being aromantic. Romantic feelings are of course removed from familial relationships and friendships. I find that pain and frustration with ones self can spill over into other relationships. I would recommend that the best way to resolve the problems you believe you experience with family and friends, you should assess yourself and reset your goals. Give yourself a concrete and achievable goal that will begin to benefit your life. Such as choosing to find and apply to at least one job listing per week, on something like Indeed, just to get the ball moving. When you have something to work for, it’ll help your mental state and subsequently your relationships. Once that goal is set up to help your future, refocus on your hobbies. Find the subreddit for what you like and start posting and commenting. You’ll surely find some people who’d like to be friends with you over any particular shared interest. You have to believe in yourself.
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