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28yr old Male Questioning what I am?

Guest MisterRama

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Guest MisterRama

Hello everyone,

Tbh I'm finding this whole thing really weird but lately I've been questioning if I'm on the asexuality spectrum.

I couldn't say I'm 100% asexual, but I also don't feel "normal" about it. 

I've had sex, I masturbate, I sometimes enjoy sex too, but for the most part it just feels like work to me.

I'm in a relationship (11 years) and we have a kid together but she's been continually frustrated with the fact that I can go months w/o intercourse and I never initiate it. So I'm kind of just now really digging deep into why that is and I was wondering if I could be on the spectrum or what.

If y'all have any advice on your journey that might help me that would be great! 

Thanks all!

-Mr. Rama

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As an aroace here, I can tell you that having sex and masturbating do not define who you are. You can be ace and still enjoy sex. Same with masturbation, those are actions done by you. Being asexual, is part of your identity. It means that you have small or zero sexual attraction. You can have sex and it feels good because it releases endorphins, not because the act was good. It is up to you to decide but yes, you can be ace or in the ace spectrum and enjoy sex and madturbation.

What I would say is speak with your partner and let them know. Communication is key, since you have a kid together and you are with your partner. I hope you can find a happy medium, and do not get discouraged. You can make your relationship work and embrace your ace identity if you want. Because being in a relationship and then finding out your ace-spec isn't the end of that relationship, it is up to you and your partner to figure out the next steps. Cheers and trust in yourself.

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An asexual doesn't feel the intrinsic desire to have partnered sexual activity, or attraction based on that desire. They never feel the desire for sex. It isn't somethin they feel. A sexual person feels desire for sex, they want it, they fantasize about it, sexual connection is something they want and expect from their partner.


If you never initiate, can go months without it, that sounds like asexuality. But some sexual people do have a low libido. You have to ask yourself, "do I feel desire for sex", and the answer to that will tell you if you're asexual or not. Do you want to connect sexually with your partner? or is that something you lack the desire for?

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On 9/6/2021 at 8:29 AM, Guest MisterRama said:

So I'm kind of just now really digging deep into why that is and I was wondering if I could be on the spectrum or what.

There are several ways to approach 'digging deep'. Personally I found those lists of orientations (with definitions) helpful. Other people think those are useless and need to read about other people's experiences. I do hope you get to a point when you come across something and think 'That is me'. I wish you luck!

Speaking of being on the spectrum, being somewhere in the grey-asexual umbrella, there are many many ways people experience their grey-ness. I am sexually attracted to people very very very infrequently, but I experience the attraction strongly. Other people speak about only realising they experienced sexual attraction in hindsight. They couldn't recognise it in the moment because it was too ambiguous, or so fleeting that it passed before they could recognise it. 

The common factor is we recognise this is not how many other experience sexual attraction and we have managed to come across a label or community where we feel a 'That is me' moment. 

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