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Questioning, please help


pacifyingtea
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This will be long and I'm sorry but I was hoping I could get some help here so I will try to explain everything shortly. 

To start, a few years ago I came out as aromantic (even told my mom which I very much regret) but didn't dig deeper into that and just went with it. Now I'm once again questioning, if I really am or if I'm not. 

I guess the very first thing that tells me I might not be aromantic is the fact that I do want to be in a relationship someday! I have tried a few times. 

One thing for sure is that I am a lesbian. I did try going on a date with a guy, it wasn't that good and I wasn't interested in the end 😂

Other three times (that I think was actual dating) were with women. Two long-distance relationships and one not. 

The most recent one I had, it was long-distance and we ended it after a few months. But I was thinking about this, how I didn't feel sad when we decided to break up. I was also always questioning my feelings, if I really felt something or not. At first I do think there was something! Until we started dating and slowly over the weeks the feelings disappeared. Maybe that's why I didn't feel sad when it ended. 

My other long-distance one was very short. I was heartbroken for a while, cried a few times. Months after it, I came back to feeling sad again, it hit me hard. The reason why I'm mentioning this is because of the way we started dating. Which was her flirting with me, I flirted back (I probably fucked up with thinking that she was serious when it was probably all playful) But only then did I start to "catch feelings." Before that, we were in a groupchat and I've never thought of us dating. She's honestly the only person I can confidently say I had feelings for. 

The last one, we didn't have a label for it, we just went on a few dates and met up a few times. I just think it's important because I never caught any feelings, I started talking to her because we had similar interests. The first few dates were fun until it wasn't. And by that I mean that I would suddenly get really anxious before meeting her. Or a very strong feeling of not wanting to go. I would still do and it would be fine then. We did flirt a little while texting, mentioned kissing, saying that the next time we will see each other, we will kiss (which never happened, maybe we're both very shy). I know that I avoided texting her sometimes because I would get anxious. We did end it mutually. 

Crushes? I don't think I had any serious ones. There was this guy when I was like 12-13 but we never actually talked besides texting. I was really shy that I could barely look at him. Besides him, I can't think of anyone I had a crush on. Maybe I don't really understand what a crush is. Since if I feel attracted to someone, it's mostly because of let's say a cute outfit, maybe they looked beautiful that day. Do I instantly think that I would love to have sex with them? Not always but most of the time, no. (I am interested in sex btw!) 

That's all I have to say. If anyone could help me even a tiny bit, I'd be so grateful! 🥺

Edited by pacifyingtea
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Idk if you want label suggestions in response to this, but to me your experience sounds a bit like a combination of frayromantic and recipromantic maybe?

Frayromantic (ignotaromantic)- someone who feels romantic attraction only to people they’re not deeply connected with, and they loose that attraction as they get closer. Often seen as “the opposite of demiromantic”

Recipromantic- someone who only feels romantic attraction to someone who is romantically attracted to them first

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If you don't feel romantic attraction, you would be aro. But if you do feel some romantic attraction, you might be greyromantic. 

 

Romantic attraction is wanting to do romantic things with someone, or wanting to be in a romantic relationship with someone. 

 

what exactly is romantic is difficult to define. most things that are romantic can be felt platonically for someone as well. what makes something romantic is often said to be the romantic intent behind the gesture.

 

Romantic attraction might feel like limerence or attachment to a person. Thinking of them throughout the day, wanting to be close with them and spend time with them, wanting to build a future with them, wanting exclusivity with them. 

 

Liking someone's appearance is called aesthetic attraction. 

 

you might find "you might be aro if..." interesting or insightful to read.

 

also, if you're willing to do a lot of reading to find the answer, here is a post I did of romantic research, trying to define romance as different from the platonic.

Edited by Ashe.
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  • 2 weeks later...

Im a bit late to the thread but if you still here and questioning I will give you my feedback on the matters. This is a complex and multi level issue. One thing does affect another but not entirely. By this I mean that you are questioning your identity and that is fine, however in that questioning you have to take into account that you are dealing with more problems that will affect you.

I will take it from the top,

On 9/3/2021 at 5:04 AM, pacifyingtea said:

To start, a few years ago I came out as aromantic (even told my mom which I very much regret) but didn't dig deeper into that and just went with it. Now I'm once again questioning, if I really am or if I'm not. 

I guess the very first thing that tells me I might not be aromantic is the fact that I do want to be in a relationship someday! I have tried a few times. 

First paragraph is important: acceptance. So your mother did not accept your identity, this means that you may want to conform to what she wants you to be, thus you question if you are or not aromantic. This is based on human connections, you want to connect with people so you mold yourself into what they expect you to be. One of the things that make queer people seem radical while they are not. Society is telling them to mold themselves but we ain't having none of that bs. It is a real problem and one that affects each on a different matter.

Second paragraph: You can be aro and still want a relationship. Aromantic means that you have few or none romantic attraction. Nothing more nor less. So yes, you can want a qpr, a normal relationship, and still be aro or aro-spec.

With those aside, let me tell you that if you want answers, you have to ask ghe hard questions and analyze the responses. 1. Why do I want to be in a relationship with this person. Is it because I like them for what they bring me or is it because I like something they have? You may want to be in a relationship because you feel a connection toward that person, but so you can be because you like how she treats you. This is a complex question, one that you have to dig. 2. Why did my previous relationships didn't worked? Was it because of the circumstances, me, them, both, family? Really, would you fixing the circumstances would made a difference? 3. Do I want to be in a relationship because society tells me I need to be in one to have a meaningful life? Because it allows me to have sex without shaming me for having it? Do I want to be in a relationship because that is what my family wants of me?

Now, a crush and a squish are different. Did you made yourself feel those emotions/feelings or was it involuntary? Did you wanted that person for what they are or for what they can be? Was it because at your age that was what people where talking and you wanted to be part of it?

My last thoughts, do not focus on micro-labels. Labels are as good as you make them be. If you think your aro or aro-spec. Use that label and later think in the specifics. Micro-labels where made to pinpoint the exacts words to describe the experience, not to tie you down.

Hope this helps and may you find answers.

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