pacifyingtea

This will be long and I'm sorry but I was hoping I could get some help here so I will try to explain everything shortly. To start, a few years ago I came out as aromantic (even told my mom which I very much regret) but didn't dig deeper into that and just went with it. Now I'm once again questioning, if I really am or if I'm not. I guess the very first thing that tells me I might not be aromantic is the fact that I do want to be in a relationship someday! I have tried a few times. One thing for sure is that I am a lesbian. I did try going on a date with a guy, it wasn't that good and I wasn't interested in the end ? Other three times (that I think was actual dating) were with women. Two long-distance relationships and one not. The most recent one I had, it was long-distance and we ended it after a few months. But I was thinking about this, how I didn't feel sad when we decided to break up. I was also always questioning my feelings, if I really felt something or not. At first I do think there was something! Until we started dating and slowly over the weeks the feelings disappeared. Maybe that's why I didn't feel sad when it ended. My other long-distance one was very short. I was heartbroken for a while, cried a few times. Months after it, I came back to feeling sad again, it hit me hard. The reason why I'm mentioning this is because of the way we started dating. Which was her flirting with me, I flirted back (I probably fucked up with thinking that she was serious when it was probably all playful) But only then did I start to "catch feelings." Before that, we were in a groupchat and I've never thought of us dating. She's honestly the only person I can confidently say I had feelings for. The last one, we didn't have a label for it, we just went on a few dates and met up a few times. I just think it's important because I never caught any feelings, I started talking to her because we had similar interests. The first few dates were fun until it wasn't. And by that I mean that I would suddenly get really anxious before meeting her. Or a very strong feeling of not wanting to go. I would still do and it would be fine then. We did flirt a little while texting, mentioned kissing, saying that the next time we will see each other, we will kiss (which never happened, maybe we're both very shy). I know that I avoided texting her sometimes because I would get anxious. We did end it mutually. Crushes? I don't think I had any serious ones. There was this guy when I was like 12-13 but we never actually talked besides texting. I was really shy that I could barely look at him. Besides him, I can't think of anyone I had a crush on. Maybe I don't really understand what a crush is. Since if I feel attracted to someone, it's mostly because of let's say a cute outfit, maybe they looked beautiful that day. Do I instantly think that I would love to have sex with them? Not always but most of the time, no. (I am interested in sex btw!) That's all I have to say. If anyone could help me even a tiny bit, I'd be so grateful! ?