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I'm only 13 but I still want to put some thought into being Aromantic

Guest Milly


Guest Milly

I've known about the term aromantic for a year or so now but I haven't put any thought into it. I've never had a crush my entire life be it fictional, real life, characters (I actually faked having a crush once while at a sleepover) and only have been searching around about the label since my closest friends have already came out to me as LGBTQ+ and often talk to me about their crushes. Whether it be celebrities, characters or people at school. I can definitely look at someone and say "Wow they're really attractive" but I wouldn't have that mushy feeling people have with a crush. I enjoy romance in fiction, but if I daydream about some romantic date I wouldn't imagine myself as a part of the couple. I would instead view it from an outside perspective. If I would watch a movie with romance I would make sure to watch it alone since I feel uncomfortable when someone is in the room while stuff like kissing/caressing is happening on screen. If I see a couple outside kissing I would feel a sort of embarrassment as well.  I might just turn out to be alloromantic anyways, but I felt like some advice would be the best.

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When I was your age I definitely felt the way you do about romance, crushes, and romantic movies - and I now definitely identify as aro. So I think it's really fantastic that you're aware "aromantic" is a thing a person can be. I just felt like a weirdo through most of high school ?

That said, you may "turn out to be" alloromantic, you may not, and both of those things are totally okay! More generally my advice to you would be:

  • Regardless of how you identify, your personal boundaries are important and other people should respect them. If you're uncomfortable watching romantic scenes in movies when other people are in the room, that's a boundary you're allowed to enforce, end of story.
  • Don't feel pressure to definitively pin down exactly how you feel with a label, if you're not sure what fits you best. You've got plenty of time to explore who you are.
  • Conversely: Don't be afraid to identify with a label if you're not 100% sure whether it's "right" for you. I promise you even adults are never 100% sure of anything, and that's fine.
  • Likewise: Don't worry about whether you're "[identity] enough" to identify as a given identity. If it feels right to you to identify that way, you're allowed.
  • The way you describe yourself now doesn't have to be the way you describe yourself forever. It's fine to identify in the way that makes most sense to you now, without knowing if you'll feel the same way forever.

I'm not sure what kind of "advice" exactly you're looking for but I hope that helps...!

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A few things.

A a general thing, put thought into what you want to do when you grow up and know how to make a life on your own. This is just good advice for anyone but in particular you might have to deal with parents who expect you to have a romantic partner from very early on and so don't teach you some things which they think are someone elses problem. For examplethere are plenty of people I know left to be a student and the most complex meal they could create was toast. Another example of that is DIY, can you just do simple stuff to keep a house together. Relax, you are 13 and don't need to learn everything right away but just keep it in mind.

For aro specific advice, as eatingcroutons says, set boundaries. You are allowed to tell people when you are uncomfortable with something. Especially set boundarys with your family, this can sometimes be an easier way to start because being uncomfortabe with romance around family is a fairly common thing for teenagers. One thing I found out to late is that if you don't do this you get people saying 'oh, but you were fine with this before'. Try not to be too downhearted at this complaint, it is a dumb one but annoyingly common.

Finally, just sit back, read and learn. If this is an identity you are thinking you might have just take your time and find out about it. Learn about ideas on forming aromantic relationships, learn a bit about amatonormativity and prioritising romence, learn about how society can act against living single. That sort of thing. Listen to videos, read peoples writing, find out how people are living as aromantics and what their hopes and fears are. You have plenty of time and even if it turns out you aren't aromantic at least you found something useful.

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