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Coping with Aromantic Fears Advice :(


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I'm 20 years old and I've just realized that I'm not straight. I'm going to be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I feel comfortable embracing the aroace identity entirely, but I'm pretty confident that this is what I am despite not feeling ready to be all the way there yet. I have a lot of pent up fear that all of my friends are going to get married, start a family and move on without me. I've heard this is a common fear of most of us...and I personally am trying to veer myself away from the amatonormative rules society has placed on me. I've been trying to ease my fears by reminding myself that a true friend will still value me just as much as their romantic partner because romance and platonic love are equal "essential" parts of one's life. While this is helping me out a bit, my anxiety tends to bite me back by reminding me that not everyone thinks the way I do and despite my views, the people I care most about might still put me on the imaginary "second tier" that exists. It's so scary. It's making me cry and I feel terrible everytine I think about it and tend to spiral down a hole of dread and fear. 

This was something I could put off for a while because none of my closest friends were in romantic relationships. Except now, my best friend who I love dearly just hopped in to one. And while she's pan and not intending on getting married and has a relatively "woke" view on the world and the way it runs, it still makes me feel really alone now that she has someone despite the fact that I just want her to be happy. She doesn't know I'm a-spec, but she does know that I'm gun shy about my friends hopping into romantic relationships after another close friend of mine did the same and really hurt me by throwing me into second tier. She claims that she loves and cares about both myself and her partner, but I'm still just so fearful of the future and everything happening. When we spoke about this she also told me that she would never hurt me like that on purpose, but a part of me feels like whether it's on purpose or not, romance runs the world and I am in no position to stop it. I don't know how to cope with these overwhelming fears and feelings and I was wondering if you all could help. 

Should I try to elaborate more to her my views of romance and platonic love? Perhaps that will ease my fears and give her the opportunity to understand me even more? I know she would understand, I have no doubts about that. 

 

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Have you met your friend's partner? Are they part of your social circle? If not, I highly recommend making a conscious effort to build a relationship with them. 

I see so, so many people on these forums terrified that when their friends get into romantic relationships, they'll lose a friend. Whenever my friends get into romantic relationships, I see that as an opportunity to make a new friend. The vast majority of the time, if a good friend of mine likes someone enough to start a romantic relationship with them, I'm probably also gonna get along with that person.

People in (healthy) romantic relationships still have friends and other people they love outside of their romantic relationships. Make the effort to become part of your friend and her partner's social circle. Make the effort to include her partner in yours! And chances are you'll end up with more people in your life, not fewer.

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4 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

Have you met your friend's partner? Are they part of your social circle? If not, I highly recommend making a conscious effort to build a relationship with them. 

I see so, so many people on these forums terrified that when their friends get into romantic relationships, they'll lose a friend. Whenever my friends get into romantic relationships, I see that as an opportunity to make a new friend. The vast majority of the time, if a good friend of mine likes someone enough to start a romantic relationship with them, I'm probably also gonna get along with that person.

People in (healthy) romantic relationships still have friends and other people they love outside of their romantic relationships. Make the effort to become part of your friend and her partner's social circle. Make the effort to include her partner in yours! And chances are you'll end up with more people in your life, not fewer.

This isn't a bad idea! I was able to meet her, unfortunately my friend isn't the greatest at acting as a bridge between two parties and I'm very very socially anxious (and it seems she was too) so we kind of ended up skirting around each other too awkward to initiate. I feel terrible about not speaking up more, but in the moment I was too overwhelmed :/

We're in college btw and we go to different schools so I wouldn't really be interacting with my friends romantic partner much anyway. 

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Agreed with @eatingcroutons that you should try to get to know her new partner.

6 hours ago, Guest help said:

We're in college btw and we go to different schools so I wouldn't really be interacting with my friends romantic partner much anyway. 

Honestly I think you should still really try to keep in decent contact. The thing is look at this from your friends point of view. You worry to her about how she might leave you behind to her partner. It makes that easier to accept if you make an effort to get to know her partner. It means keeping the friendship with you results in less of a you or them situation.

As for your last question:

16 hours ago, Guest help said:

Should I try to elaborate more to her my views of romance and platonic love?

You know your friend better than me. If you know and trust that she will be accepting I would say go for it. Its up to you of course but she seems like a good person to get those thoughts off your chest with. You say you know she will understand.

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