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What should I tell her?



Hello world,

So I have a best friend who's incredible and whom I care so so much about. If I could, I would lay the entire world at her feet. We've been friends since we were 12 years old and over the past 10 years we've grown up together and we've become very very similar. Neither of us ever had crushes and we both made fun of romantic stuff in books and songs, saying we'd rather go without it. We didn't know aromanticism existed and we didn't really care; we were happy with how things were and didn't feel like we needed any labels. We even made plans (up until very recently) to live together somewhere and grow old together.

However, 6 months ago she suddenly told me that she was on a dating app, because she really wanted to try to fall in love. I was surprised but I didn't think it could cause any harm. She went on a lot of dates with different guys and multiple times she said that she really liked the guy and could really see them ending up together as a couple. That kind of threw me off, because she had had literally 0 interest in guys before and all of a sudden each guy she went on a date with was a potential life partner? It was my aromanticsm kicking in, being thoroughly confused at how she could have romantic feelings so suddenly.

Then she announced to me that she had a boyfriend and it genuinely broke my heart. I know that must sound dramatic and I admit that I still don't really know why I felt (and still feel) that pain so strongly. I was not in love with her in a romantic way, that I knew for sure. I just really really love her and could see me spending my life together with her (again in a nonromantic way) and we even made plans for it! So it was the realisation that those plans were never going to happen, combined with this dread that from now on she would slowly start to share all her thoughts and secrets and stories with him, instead of with me.

Isn't this incredibly unfair? I can't fall in love and yet for some stupid reason I can experience heartbreak. Man, I did not sign up for this. The thing is that now that she's fallen in love, she keeps telling me that I can fall in love too. So I tried and dated a few guys and each time it made me incredibly uncomfortable and it just ended up in the guys being hurt by my lack of feelings.

I've never told my best friend about my feelings towards her dating this guy and what it did to me, because I feel like I'm not supposed to feel those things so strongly, it's not like we were in love or whatever. I also feel like she doesn't deserve to deal with whatever this is, since she's honestly incredibly happy dating this guy. But I can't help feeling like I've lost something, like the peak of our friendship is over now that she spends more time with this guy that she's known for 5 months than with me. The fact that I simply can't comprehend romantic feelings makes it worse, because I really can't see why she would choose him over me.

Yeah, that's it. I don't even have a straightforward question, I guess I just wonder whether I should tell her how I feel. And I really really wanted to get all of this off my chest, since it's been consuming too much of my brain... so thank you, if you've read this. Really, thank you. 

Good night,

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Don't worry it is normal that you are so hurt. Friendship is a kind of love and because it is not romantic love doesn't make it less important.

We don't feel romantic love but it is not the only kind of love that exists and we are able to feel all the others forms of love outside romantic love. Friendship is a long term relationship in a way and seeing it changing is difficult.

You thought that it would be only the two of you  and realising that it won't be like this is painful especially as you didn't see it coming.

If you feel that you need to talk to her then do, don't keep it for yourself it's only going to make things worst.

I think you need to know why her behaviour about dating changed all of a suden because you don't understand it and it would probably help you.

It could have many reasons why she changed but the only way to know is talking to her.

If you don't want to tell her about how you feel just ask her how come she changed her mind about it and maybe why she didn't tell you about it before. 

I hope that this could help you.

Just do whatever you think can help you feel better.

Sorry for my english hope this is understandable.

I hope that you will find the answers you need and feel better soon






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Hey there, I'm sorry that you're going through this, it's not a nice situation. Struggles with friendship can be really heartbreaking and knowing that you might be left behind for a romantic partner can be deeply disappointing. It might be difficult, but I do think it's important that you talk to your friend about this. She might have no clue how you're feeling and keeping it to yourself could potentially sour the relationship and lead to resentment. Also like Nessa mentioned, you might want to know why her dating behavior changed all of a sudden. EIther way, I think it is important to talk. Best of luck, sending you warm vibes~

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