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Telling My Unaccepting Family


Elle28
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So, I suppose the one good thing about COVID lockdowns and me being by myself all the time is that I think I solved the identity crisis I've been having for a while now. I identify as an aromantic grey-asexual, and I'm so happy that I found a label that fits. I'm excited that I can finally start living my truth and expressing who I am in a healthy and awesome way, without worrying about the amatonormativity I find myself very often trapped in. I have figured out what the heck has been going on in my head for the past couple of years, and it feels amazing.

However, I know my family is going to be very unaccepting of me and my choice to change my sexuality labels. Since basically the start of my life, I have been told that growing up, getting married to a husband and having children is not an if, but a when. I started questioning those things about when I started high school (around 4 years ago), and didn't know what was wrong with me. Throughout high school, I definitely had "crushes" which I now have realized were actually squishes, because as soon as anything romantic started getting involved I was out of there. I also seemed to like people I knew I had no chance with for the sake of having a name to say when someone asked me who I was crushing on.... early signs? I think yes.

Every time I have tried to bring my views up to my family (thus far, before changing my labels), I have gotten the "you'll find the right one someday" and "well, you're a little young to know just yet" spiels. I am a super family oriented person, and so knowing that my family might not accept me is absolutely terrifying. I straight up cried for hours yesterday after my grandmother asked me "Wow, do you have any friends who are normal like you?" and then proceeded to tell me "you know, I'm so happy you are the way that you are, not any of this LGBTQ+ stuff that you talk about. It's just so confusing and unnecessary and I cant imagine how these kids parents deal with it." My mom knew something was up with me after that and asked if I was alright, but I couldn't tell her anything because that would mean outing myself completely.

I was wondering if I could get some advice on what to do at this point. I know that I can't just keep it hidden forever, but telling them outright isn't the way I want to go about it either. I even thought of pasting up pride flags all over my room and waiting for them to notice and be too uncomfortable to say anything and be forced to accept it, but again that's not it. Every one of my friends that I've come out to so far have been so kind and accepting, and it makes my heart sigh in relief to know that I am able to tell people who I trust about myself in that way. I want to tell my family, but I'm scared of invalidation and unacceptance and don't know what I'm doing. Any thoughts?

Hope y'all are staying safe and healthy.

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Can't really help because my parents are the only one I am scared to come out.

11 hours ago, Elle28 said:

. I even thought of pasting up pride flags all over my room and waiting for them to notice and be too uncomfortable to say anything and be forced to accept it, but again that's not it.

I thought about something like this, by an explicit aro shirt and wear it on Valentine's day.

Maybe the best is to "prepare the field" as we say in French, by saying things that implied you will lever get married before coming out officially. 

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I'm sorry you're in this situation. Honestly, I'm also really scared to come out to my parents even though I've been out of the house for years now, being my own boss, making my own life. I'm thinking I'll just wait until I'm 30/35 and then they can't really give me a "you're still young" or "it's just a phase" talk 😅 But seriously, no, I really feel for you.

12 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

Maybe the best is to "prepare the field" as we say in French, by saying things that implied you will lever get married before coming out officially. 

I also don't have any good suggestions because I haven't come out to my parents, except that I've been doing what nonmerci suggested above. For years already I've been saying over and over again that I don't want to get married, I don't want romantic relationships, I don't want kids, and that I want to plan my life with friends. In the beginning, they didn't understand and gave the typical responses and even asked me if I was traumatized/something happened to me to make me that way. But in the last two years, they've become more accepting of it (or less in denial?) and even if they don't understand it, they're respecting my life choices. I am terrified, though, that if I come out to them by putting a label on it that is anything but straight, they'll absolutely not accept it.🙃 

You mention that you know you can't hide it from them forever, but it's also your choice to come out. You don't have to come out if you don't want to. I feel like there is often this pressure to come out and I understand that you may feel the desire to do so, especially since you're family-oriented, but you can also still live your truth and your life without coming out. It is very much your choice and not something you must do 🙂

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