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Anyone fake it?


SJB
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I am new here so please bare with me I can answer follow up questions just trying to figuring out how to say this :)

 

I have been learning about aromantism for about a year now. I read the definition at first and do think I fall under Quoiromantic / WTFromantic .

Whats weird to me is I think I have been faking it for years with a mixture of codependence thrown in thinking that was the romantic love people talk about. I grew up with mostly loving parents but they were pretty mentally ILL and had addictions and I learned to be  a master chameleon and change for my surroundings type human so just went with the flow and copied my partners.

Now I am in a much healthier place and can say WTF is romance anyway and it just makes me uncomfortable.

 

So anyone else just fake it and then realized you did not really feel it?

Edited to add:  This was the past. I now know better and so better. I did not know I was faking..I thought this was what everyone did.

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Oh yeah, totally. 

 

I'm faking it right now, even. A good friend of mine told me they liked me and unfortunately I would not have been able to just be friends with them, as they felt too much attraction towards me to be anything in-between not friends and dating. So we're dating. Whatever.

I didn't realize until recently that I didn't feel romantic feeling towards anyone, and I don't really care if I'm dating someone or not. I don't get anything from it, but sometimes just saying "okay, I like you back" even if its a lie is the only way to keep that friendship.

 

I guess it's just easy to fake it when you know all the things you are supposed to do.

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1 hour ago, Fynnlee said:

Oh yeah, totally. 

 

I'm faking it right now, even. A good friend of mine told me they liked me and unfortunately I would not have been able to just be friends with them, as they felt too much attraction towards me to be anything in-between not friends and dating. So we're dating. Whatever.

I didn't realize until recently that I didn't feel romantic feeling towards anyone, and I don't really care if I'm dating someone or not. I don't get anything from it, but sometimes just saying "okay, I like you back" even if its a lie is the only way to keep that friendship.

 

 

 

I'm sorry that sounds really hard since you know it now. You dont think it will affect the relationship eventually since you cannot be real to you?

 

"I guess it's just easy to fake it when you know all the things you are supposed to do."   THIS so much. I know how to do this better then aro because of all the crap we are fed as young as toddlers about romance. 

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1 minute ago, SJB said:

You dont think it will affect the relationship eventually since you cannot be real to you?

I don't know, I seem to be doing pretty well so far.

And I mean, I'm always very awkward, so it's not like anyone will notice much of a difference.

2 minutes ago, SJB said:

all the crap we are fed as young as toddlers about romance. 

I feel this phrase sooo much.

It's like people don't realize that romance is not essential to life!

Like even in elementary school you are expected to have crushes and stuff!

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3 minutes ago, Fynnlee said:

I don't know, I seem to be doing pretty well so far.

And I mean, I'm always very awkward, so it's not like anyone will notice much of a difference.

Oh no I mean how you feel inside not them or others. I think it would limit my friendship with the person since I could not talk about being aro etc.

 

3 minutes ago, Fynnlee said:

I feel this phrase sooo much.

It's like people don't realize that romance is not essential to life!

Like even in elementary school you are expected to have crushes and stuff!

We are indoctrinated early which is pretty creepy if you think about it. Disney for example. 

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1 minute ago, SJB said:

I think it would limit my friendship with the person since I could not talk about being aro etc.

Well, not being able to talk about being aro is a bummer, but it's not a big deal for me. I'm just happy that we're still friends, even if it does make it awkward on my end sometimes.

2 minutes ago, SJB said:

We are indoctrinated early which is pretty creepy if you think about it. Disney for example. 

DISNEYYYYY! Yes! I mean, I love Disney and all, but it is refreshing to see some of the newer movies and things that don't necessarily have romance at the center of their plots.

Although there's some of the older ones that are also good in that respect (Lilo and Stitch, Treasure Island, Peter Pan, etc).

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I'll be honest: As someone who, yes, did do this (and was miserable the whole time), I really, really don't think this is an ok thing to do. It's not right to lie to your friends, guys. Alloromantic folks expect a certain mutuality in their romantic relationships; How would you like it if one of your friends didn't actually like you, and was only faking it for convenience? You'd feel hurt and betrayed, right? So don't do that with romance.

Now, I'm not saying you can't have a romantic relationship as an aro. You can! But you need to be honest about it. Say, "Hey, I'm not romantically attracted to you, but I'm still willing to date you and do the things you'd like to do. Is that ok?"

And remember, they have the right to say no. If they do, and even if they decide to stop being friends with you, you need to accept that. It's ok. If you're looking for one relationship type, and they're looking for another, and you can't reconcile that in a way that is fair to both of you, then maybe you're just not compatible. There's nothing wrong with that, and there are plenty of other friends out there in the world- But you need to be honest. You can't keep deceiving people who believe you feel a certain way about them when you don't.

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But I hadn't actually told anyone that I was aro when I started dating them and they are really depressed right now and I'm worried that if I tell them that, you know, I don't actually like-like them, then they will feel worse about themself and then it'll be all my fault.

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11 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I'll be honest: As someone who, yes, did do this (and was miserable the whole time), I really, really don't think this is an ok thing to do. It's not right to lie to your friends, guys. Alloromantic folks expect a certain mutuality in their romantic relationships; How would you like it if one of your friends didn't actually like you, and was only faking it for convenience? You'd feel hurt and betrayed, right? So don't do that with romance.

Now, I'm not saying you can't have a romantic relationship as an aro. You can! But you need to be honest about it. Say, "Hey, I'm not romantically attracted to you, but I'm still willing to date you and do the things you'd like to do. Is that ok?"

And remember, they have the right to say no. If they do, and even if they decide to stop being friends with you, you need to accept that. It's ok. If you're looking for one relationship type, and they're looking for another, and you can't reconcile that in a way that is fair to both of you, then maybe you're just not compatible. There's nothing wrong with that, and there are plenty of other friends out there in the world- But you need to be honest. You can't keep deceiving people who believe you feel a certain way about them when you don't.

 

Not sure if you are meaning my post but I did not know at the time I was doing it and now that I do I no longer do it. Its about my values which integrity means I am honest. Could you clarify who you are talking to please?

 

SJ

2 minutes ago, Fynnlee said:

But I hadn't actually told anyone that I was aro when I started dating them and they are really depressed right now and I'm worried that if I tell them that, you know, I don't actually like-like them, then they will feel worse about themself and then it'll be all my fault.

 

Others feelings are not your "fault" You sound young maybe? . In the long run honesty is best. But like I said before it will not be a honest friendship which would lesson it right?

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I am, indeed, young (still in high school).

 

Idk. I'll talk to them about it soon, I guess. I've been feeling really guilty about not talking about it, and you guys have given me a little bit of courage to maybe actually talk to them about it. So thanks for that.

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Just now, Fynnlee said:

I am, indeed, young (still in high school).

 

Idk. I'll talk to them about it soon, I guess. I've been feeling really guilty about not talking about it, and you guys have given me a little bit of courage to maybe actually talk to them about it. So thanks for that.

 

Thats awesome good for you :)    I do think learning to treat being Aro like its a normal thing and not something to be ashamed about is really helping me find places like this and learn from others. 

29 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I'll be honest: As someone who, yes, did do this (and was miserable the whole time), I really, really don't think this is an ok thing to do. It's not right to lie to your friends, guys. Alloromantic folks expect a certain mutuality in their romantic relationships; How would you like it if one of your friends didn't actually like you, and was only faking it for convenience? You'd feel hurt and betrayed, right? So don't do that with romance.

Now, I'm not saying you can't have a romantic relationship as an aro. You can! But you need to be honest about it. Say, "Hey, I'm not romantically attracted to you, but I'm still willing to date you and do the things you'd like to do. Is that ok?"

And remember, they have the right to say no. If they do, and even if they decide to stop being friends with you, you need to accept that. It's ok. If you're looking for one relationship type, and they're looking for another, and you can't reconcile that in a way that is fair to both of you, then maybe you're just not compatible. There's nothing wrong with that, and there are plenty of other friends out there in the world- But you need to be honest. You can't keep deceiving people who believe you feel a certain way about them when you don't.

 

I would like to know more about this, it sounded like you knew you were lying to others not just yourself ? Did you always know you were aromantic or something like it? I am looking to learn about about this and how it felt when you realized there was another option? 

SJ

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1 hour ago, SJB said:

 

I would like to know more about this, it sounded like you knew you were lying to others not just yourself ? Did you always know you were aromantic or something like it? I am looking to learn about about this and how it felt when you realized there was another option? 

SJ

 

I didn't always know. I mean, I knew I was different, but I didn't have a concept of being aro at the time (because I wasn't aware that it was possible to be aro and not ace). When I first started dating my ex, I did convince myself that I had romantic feelings for them, although deep down I think I did know I didn't and was just hoping that I would develop them over time; Eventually, though, it became very clear to me that I did not. I continued to fake it for some time, because I didn't want to disappoint people, but eventually decided to break up with them, and it was a huge relief when I did. I didn't find out I was aro until several years later.

 

1 hour ago, SJB said:

 

Not sure if you are meaning my post but I did not know at the time I was doing it and now that I do I no longer do it. Its about my values which integrity means I am honest. Could you clarify who you are talking to please?

 

SJ

 

Sorry, you're right, I misread. I think I got your post and the other person's post mixed up. My comment was directed in general at people who are aware what they're doing, but I guess I didn't read your post clearly enough and thought that was what was going on. My bad!

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1 hour ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

, I knew I was different, but I didn't have a concept of being aro at the time (because I wasn't aware that it was possible to be aro and not ace).

I felt this in my soul.

I didn't understand this until, like, last week (aka when I finally realized I was aro, because people let me know that aro does not also have to mean ace).

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I don't. There is some pressure to date just to get ''experience'' so people will lay off. But ultimately I think it's like having a beard. How gay people sometimes use someone as their beard even though they know they aren't into them? I understand their reasons for dating someone as a beard but it's kind of selfish. It feels like if I were to do that I would be withholding that person from something I cannot give them. They deserve someone who's feelings and requirements matches theirs. I don't want to use somebody just because of the pressure to date. I'd rather take the judgemental comments about never having been in a relationship than use another person.

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Fair enough.

I'm just do it because I prefer the awkwardness on my end of "Oh crap I have to do romance things which I actually have no interest in" rather than not having that person as a friend at all.

Because every time I've dated someone that has been the reason why. Either I'm dating them or we're not really friends because they feel awkward.

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3 hours ago, Fynnlee said:

@SJB @Jot-Aro Kujo

I did it!!! I talked to them and it didn't go awfully!

I have no idea whether we are still dating or not, but if we aren't then at least we are still friends and they are still talking to me!!!

So that's great!

 

Great! I'm so glad to hear it!

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