Aromantic or...???

[Anon95]

First off, English is not my first language, and I’m also fairly new to this all, so I apologize for any mistakes!

 

I will try to not make this too long. In short, I think I might be aromantic, or at least, I may be able to place myself somewhere on the spectrum of aromantic.

I'm a 24 old female. Never had a boyfriend. I always thought I was just a late bloomer in the whole getting into a relationship thing. I thought for sure that my time would come, that I would fall in love. But it just never happened. I would sometimes imagine what it would be like to kiss, hold hands, etc. But it was not like I was desperately searching for someone.  

 

I can not really say that I have experienced having a crush on someone. I for sure can say that a person is hot, or good looking, but the whole butterflies in the stomach thing, I can't recal ever having experienced that. And even the times were I may have felt some attraction toward someone, I did not do anything with it. It was just too weak and disappeared shortly. However, I have had (and still have) crushes on fictional characters. But even those I would not classify as romantic love? I think? 

 

From the time of 15 to 22, 3 good friends of mine have confessed that they liked me, and I rejected all three of them, felt repulsed even by their love. I felt betrayed. I felt like they didn't respect my boundaries, somehow. They felt more than friendship toward me, and I could not do anything about it. I probably should have felt flattered, but I just really did’t like the idea of them liking me, thinking about me in a romantic way. It just gave me the shivers. 

 

We remained good friends though, I didn’t want those confessions to stand in the way of our friendship! One of them has a girlfriend now, so I’m happy for him

 

It's just that the idea of being in a relationship is nice, but getting in one for real is just like a big nope for me. I just can't imagine myself kissing someone, or holding hands, etc. However, I'm still curious about sex and kissing??? (and sometimes even crave for it!) But maybe I'm only attracted to the idea of doing these things? Because romantic stuff weirds me out, and I'm not really into the physical contact. When one of those three friends asked if he could kiss me I wanted to vomit.

 

I just don’t feel the need for romance.

 

And it just hit me today when I heard that yet another friend of mine got into a relationship. I'm feeling left out, and that while I'm fine with being single. A relationship seems such a hassle to me. I rather spent my time on something else. I feel like I'm just too busy with other things that seem much more important.

 

Most of the time I'm fine being single. Only sometimes I get those strong feelings of doubt. I'm sometimes also afraid of what others will think of me being single at 24... 

 

So my question is, could I be aromantic? My fear is that I'm just using it as an excuse for why I don't have experienced love yet at my age. Maybe I’m just shy? Maybe I should put more effort into finding someone? But... a part of me is telling me that that is not the case here. 

 

I'm sorry if this wall of text is messy and confusing. I’m still confused myself on what to think and feel. And I probably didn't word everything as clear as I could have.

[DaviM703]

Your experience definitely sounds to me like being aromantic. You can fantasize about things without feeling them for real people. Have you ever had feelings for real people? If you have but are uncomfortable with people liking you then you could also be akoi/lithromantic.

[nonmerci]

What you say reminds me of my ow  experience. I was 23 when I let this term and never had a boyfriend (now I'm 25 and still never had). I thought I will date when I'll be attracted to someone... but the attraction never came (well if I am honest I have experienced it once in my life... it last what, 2 week?  And was not as strong as what it seems to be for allo people). Realizing I was aro was realizing that the reason why I never looked for a romantic relationship is that I never felt romantic attraction in the first place.

 

1 hour ago, Anon95 said:

My fear is that I'm just using it as an excuse for why I don't have experienced love yet at my age. Maybe I’m just shy? Maybe I should put more effort into finding someone?

I don't think so. Shy people do feel romantic attraction, but can be too scared to act on it. And attraction doesn't appear when you look for it, it can happen anytime, just like that. So I don't think it is related to your effort for finding someone.

 

[NullVector]

@Anon95

Just wondering if you're aware that it's possible to be aromantic and NOT be asexual? IME, a lot of people come across the concept of aromanticism as part of the asexual community / AVEN and assume the two are linked somewhat; but they don't have to be.

 

A couple of things you wrote make me think that you might be aromantic but not asexual. Specifically this:

11 hours ago, Anon95 said:

I for sure can say that a person is hot, or good looking, but the whole butterflies in the stomach thing, I can't recal ever having experienced that

and this:

11 hours ago, Anon95 said:

However, I'm still curious about sex and kissing??? (and sometimes even crave for it!) But maybe I'm only attracted to the idea of doing these things? Because romantic stuff weirds me out, and I'm not really into the physical contact

Sex and kissing aren't inherently romantic IMO, although a lot of cultural messaging implies or assumes they are. Maybe you would want to try these things for real, but just not in the context of a romantic relationship and that is where some of your conflicting feelings towards them are coming from? Just something to consider (myself, I used to be somewhat touch-averse, but found that when I experienced touch more in non-romantic contexts, I got to like it)

 

We were also just talking in this other thread about how the challenges figuring out aro identities are different for aro ace and aro allo people. Maybe that would be of interest as well?

 

Good luck figuring out your identity 

[Anon95]

10 hours ago, DavidMS703 said:

Have you ever had feelings for real people? If you have but are uncomfortable with people liking you then you could also be akoi/lithromantic.

 

I have thought about the possibility of being lithromantic before. But I never have liked someone who liked me back, so I can not say for sure if I would stop liking someone if they showed interest in me. 

10 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I don't think so. Shy people do feel romantic attraction, but can be too scared to act on it. And attraction doesn't appear when you look for it, it can happen anytime, just like that. So I don't think it is related to your effort for finding someone.

 

 

That’s indeed true! It’s just because I’m not really outgoing. I like doing things with friends, but I also highly value being on myself. That's why the thought of "maybe I just don't meet enough people" crosses my mind sometimes. I'm a uni student, so it's not like I don’t meet new people. 

 

And like you said, attraction doesn’t appear when you look for it, it just happens. I’m often amazed at the others around me who— in my eyes —fall in love so easily. They get attracted to someone, and I just don't.

[Anon95]

45 minutes ago, NullVector said:

@Anon95

Just wondering if you're aware that it's possible to be aromantic and NOT be asexual? IME, a lot of people come across the concept of aromanticism as part of the asexual community / AVEN and assume the two are linked somewhat; but they don't have to be.

 

A couple of things you wrote make me think that you might be aromantic but not asexual. Specifically this:

and this:

Sex and kissing aren't inherently romantic IMO, although a lot of cultural messaging implies or assumes they are. Maybe you would want to try these things for real, but just not in the context of a romantic relationship and that is where some of your conflicting feelings towards them are coming from? Just something to consider (myself, I used to be somewhat touch-averse, but found that when I experienced touch more in non-romantic contexts, I got to like it)

 

We were also just talking in this other thread about how the challenges figuring out aro identities are different for aro ace and aro allo people. Maybe that would be of interest as well?

 

Good luck figuring out your identity 

 

 

I’m aware of the possibility of being aromantic and not being asexual. I have thought before about perhaps being asexual, but like you pointed out, I’m still interested in that stuff, so it doesn’t fit.

 

Yes, you’re right! It’s indeed true that kissing and sex do not have to be romantic, even if society likes to make us think otherwise. And yes, to me trying things as sex and kissing seem much more appealing when there’s no romance involved. That’s were indeed these conflicting feelings could come from! Wanting to try these things, but at the same time being repulsed at the idea when romance is involved.
 

And thank you for the thread! I will check it out!