Am I aro? What's wrong with me?

[Luna]

Aight so here we go, i'm really stressed about that but i can't stand it anymore, there is nowhere i found answers, so i might as well ask my own question. 
I'm really confused about my romantic orientation. I'm homoflexible, in sexuality aspect but romantic orientation is much much more of a struggle  to figure out for me. 
I used to have crushes on people, but it was like kinda something between squish and crush. I didn't care if they would be my partner or if they would just be my friend. I just really wanted to meet them and be close with them. 
Other thing is, It's really hard for me to figure out how i feel about someone. I usually have the same as with crushes. If the person is my friend i wouldn't mind being their partner, but also don't necessarily want to. And i think that if someone actually asked me out, i wouldn't reject because i like the whole kissing, cuddling etc aspect of romantic relationships. But i just don't feel the romance. Since i was little i felt like love was something ridiculous. I didn't get why anyone would want to be with someone forever, or do all those crappy romantic things like buying flowers or going on dates. There is something that throws me off about it. And to this day i don't get why friends don't kiss/cuddle usually. What is falling in love? How does that feel? why would someone treat someone else better than EVERYONE else. And what's about those breakups? I mean friends don't usually break up but couples do. What makes that this way? What's the difference between friendship and romantic relationship that makes romantic relationships much much more delicate? 
Now to an example. I seem to have a squish on a girl for like a month now. But it's a squish + sexual  attraction. What is that? I certainly don't want to be with her in a romantic way, there is no signs of having a crush on her (like blushing, butterflies in stomach or smth), but i still take pictures of her and try to get to know as much about her as i can. 

ANOTHER THIng is that I won't ask anyone out because i'm not in love with anyone. But if they asked me out i probably wouldn't reject as i said. But i sometimes feel like if i were to be in a relationship with someone... would that be fair? if i did all that kissing and stuff but wouldn't really love them romantically? 
I also sometimes have a huge urge to break someone's heart. It might just be me being an a*hole, but thought I'd mention it. I mean, like someone falls in love with me, so i could play with their feelings. Sometimes when i imagine someone asking me out (it never happened), i imagine i'd respond with something like "I don't feel romantic love for you, but we still can be in a relationship if you are okay with that. I mean we can kiss and do this whole romantic stuff, just know that i'm not really in love, but i love you as a friend".
Yea i know kinda weird but that's how i feel. 

So here some additional info about me if that matters. I have been diagnosed with depression two years ago, i have mild social anxiety, i'm homeschooled because of that, they tried to diagnose me with Asperger syndrome but I'm almost entirely sure that i don't (there was a psychiatrist that said i absolutely don't have it, other said that rather not, but the one in mental hospital said that i for sure have, tho she tried to give everyone Asperger dunno why), I almost don't have friends atm, i had MANY bad experiences with relationships (not like romantic but friendships etc), once been in a relationship but it was internet relationship and i didn't really feel anything. I might sometimes be an a*hole  but that's usually because I'm scared. I thought i might be a psychopath but rather not because I really like animals, and i honestly am empathetic, but it's just deep down inside, cause outside i might act like i don't care about people's feelings or suffering. I mean, the obvious reasons why i thought i might be a psychopath is because I laugh at pain and death, but it might be just a nervous action.  

Oh and almost forgot  to mention that I feel some kind of romantic love towards one particular game character. Not sure if that's this kind of love but I sure love her.

 

i think  that's all, thank you sooo much for reading and i appreciate any response. 
Have a nice day!!

[Holmbo]

You do sound aro to me, but only you can decide if it fits. It's ok not to have a label too, it's just for convenience really. Maybe you should look into the philosophy of relationship anarchy. It's about not making a division of "friendship" or "romance" but rather seeing every relationship as unique in its own way.

[Luna]

10 hours ago, Holmbo said:

You do sound aro to me, but only you can decide if it fits. It's ok not to have a label too, it's just for convenience really. Maybe you should look into the philosophy of relationship anarchy. It's about not making a division of "friendship" or "romance" but rather seeing every relationship as unique in its own way.

thanks for the answer, i'll research some more about relationships!
it's just hard for me not to have a label because no one gets what do i mean 
like, i'm bad at explaining and it always takes long for me and nobody prolly gives a sheep about my romantic orientation enough to listen 
i told one person how i feel and this person said "yEs i feel kinda the same", but they have crushes on people anyway >-< 

[NotHeartless]

On 9/18/2019 at 3:48 PM, Luna said:

I didn't get why anyone would want to be with someone forever, or do all those crappy romantic things like buying flowers or going on dates. There is something that throws me off about it. And to this day i don't get why friends don't kiss/cuddle usually.

I see where you're coming from. The exclusivity of romantic relationships may be difficult to understand, especially to an aro.
Affection between friends is definitely possible but you need to find the right people who are open to cuddling with you or even a kind of "friends with benefits" situation. That's rather hard to find because a lot of people, who are able to develop romantic attraction, often fall in love with the person they have sex with. On the other hand, there are people (aro or not) who could maintain such a relationship - it depends on the person.
I once had a friend who was really open to cuddling, he actually made me familiar with the whole "friends can be affectionate too"-thought.
There are people who draw a sharper line between "romantic partner / friends" but there are a lot of people who don't define it that much or feel like the lines are blurred between platonic and romantic attraction, etc.

 

On 9/18/2019 at 3:48 PM, Luna said:

What is falling in love? How does that feel? why would someone treat someone else better than EVERYONE else

I can't really answer your questions because I've never been seriously in love. But! People describe it as an obsession over a particular person, the person gives them very good feelings (to put it simple), like butterflies, they feel happy just at the thought or sight of the other person, they need to smile a lot around them and they seem to put them on a kind of pedestal. I'm not very qualified to talk about such feelings but I think the person you are in love with stands out because of the hormonal changes within your brain, too. Being in love or having a crush does have an impact on the reward center within your brain, for example. I guess a lot of idealization comes into play as well.
A lot of people open up on a different emotional level when they are in love. They seem to feel a lot more vulnerable with the person they are in love with because e.g. they have high expectations on their love interest (like, the other person being their source of happiness *forever* or for a very long time, at least). Now, at the beginning of a new romantic relationship everything could fall apart more easily because the "butterflies" (hormonal influcenes) can disappear and sometimes only then people seem to realize if they fit with the other person or not or if the relationship could last. There is the saying of "love is blind" <- that's exactly what the sentence hints at. Romantic love seems like a drug to the brain and after the drugs fades, romantic realtionships are based on enjoying the other person's company, sharing much of each other's lives with each other and being happy this way. For allosexuals, sex plays a huge role in romantic relationships too, which is often equated with intimacy (ofc intimacy can happen in many ways because it depends on what someone understands under the term).
I don't get the whole romantic relationship thing myself and why it's so different from friendship - that's a central aspect of how I realized I'm aro.
 

On 9/18/2019 at 3:48 PM, Luna said:

But it's a squish + sexual  attraction. What is that?

We like to call this a sexual crush, or "lush". It's not uncommon in aro folks who are not asexual.
That you want to know as much as possible about the girl you have this attraction on signals your platonic attraction to her for me.

Finally, my thoughts on your personal situation:
I can only write from the information you provided about yourself but I was depressed, emotionally instable and anxious for a long time. I kind of enjoyed breaking hearts (and feeling guilty right after it) because I had all these negative emotions within me which affected my treatment of others (and of myself ofc) in a strong way. I was suffering so I made other's suffer too, maybe to feel not as miserable (which did not help at all but I lived in the illusion it would).
I think, when you act like an asshole or in a psychopathic way (I'd say it's probably more egoistic than psychopathic) it's to protect yourself because you are hurt and scared - especially when you have had very bad experiences with realtionships in general. And let me tell you: it's easier for us to act in such a way than facing what hurts us upfront. We often try to avoid the pain but in doing so, we create more pain. You wrote it yourself: you act like you don't care about other people's emotions. You may feel this way because if we want to deeply care for others, we need to take care of ourselves first. You can't help or love someone (in which way ever) when you are not at peace with yourself. It sounds cheesy, but it's the truth I've experienced.  Laughter (especially on heavy topics like death) can be a reaction of deep despair.
All of this can have an affect on you feeling (or not feeling) romantic attraction, but your other sentiments (like not really getting the difference between romantic and platonic relationships) does sound aromantic to me.
The term fictoromantic (or fictosexual) exists for people who get crushes on fictional characters, but fiction isn't reality in my opinion. You can feel certain feelings for fictional characters without ever experiencing them IRL for people of flesh and blood. If you want to differentiate it or if you would like to call yourself aromantic, only you can know and decide.