Aight so here we go, i'm really stressed about that but i can't stand it anymore, there is nowhere i found answers, so i might as well ask my own question.
I'm really confused about my romantic orientation. I'm homoflexible, in sexuality aspect but romantic orientation is much much more of a struggle to figure out for me.
I used to have crushes on people, but it was like kinda something between squish and crush. I didn't care if they would be my partner or if they would just be my friend. I just really wanted to meet them and be close with them.
Other thing is, It's really hard for me to figure out how i feel about someone. I usually have the same as with crushes. If the person is my friend i wouldn't mind being their partner, but also don't necessarily want to. And i think that if someone actually asked me out, i wouldn't reject because i like the whole kissing, cuddling etc aspect of romantic relationships. But i just don't feel the romance. Since i was little i felt like love was something ridiculous. I didn't get why anyone would want to be with someone forever, or do all those crappy romantic things like buying flowers or going on dates. There is something that throws me off about it. And to this day i don't get why friends don't kiss/cuddle usually. What is falling in love? How does that feel? why would someone treat someone else better than EVERYONE else. And what's about those breakups? I mean friends don't usually break up but couples do. What makes that this way? What's the difference between friendship and romantic relationship that makes romantic relationships much much more delicate?
Now to an example. I seem to have a squish on a girl for like a month now. But it's a squish + sexual attraction. What is that? I certainly don't want to be with her in a romantic way, there is no signs of having a crush on her (like blushing, butterflies in stomach or smth), but i still take pictures of her and try to get to know as much about her as i can.
ANOTHER THIng is that I won't ask anyone out because i'm not in love with anyone. But if they asked me out i probably wouldn't reject as i said. But i sometimes feel like if i were to be in a relationship with someone... would that be fair? if i did all that kissing and stuff but wouldn't really love them romantically?
I also sometimes have a huge urge to break someone's heart. It might just be me being an a*hole, but thought I'd mention it. I mean, like someone falls in love with me, so i could play with their feelings. Sometimes when i imagine someone asking me out (it never happened), i imagine i'd respond with something like "I don't feel romantic love for you, but we still can be in a relationship if you are okay with that. I mean we can kiss and do this whole romantic stuff, just know that i'm not really in love, but i love you as a friend".
Yea i know kinda weird but that's how i feel.
So here some additional info about me if that matters. I have been diagnosed with depression two years ago, i have mild social anxiety, i'm homeschooled because of that, they tried to diagnose me with Asperger syndrome but I'm almost entirely sure that i don't (there was a psychiatrist that said i absolutely don't have it, other said that rather not, but the one in mental hospital said that i for sure have, tho she tried to give everyone Asperger dunno why), I almost don't have friends atm, i had MANY bad experiences with relationships (not like romantic but friendships etc), once been in a relationship but it was internet relationship and i didn't really feel anything. I might sometimes be an a*hole but that's usually because I'm scared. I thought i might be a psychopath but rather not because I really like animals, and i honestly am empathetic, but it's just deep down inside, cause outside i might act like i don't care about people's feelings or suffering. I mean, the obvious reasons why i thought i might be a psychopath is because I laugh at pain and death, but it might be just a nervous action.
Oh and almost forgot to mention that I feel some kind of romantic love towards one particular game character. Not sure if that's this kind of love but I sure love her.
i think that's all, thank you sooo much for reading and i appreciate any response.
Have a nice day!!