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I broke my partner's heart. Did I make a mistake?


ameddin73
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I came out to my partner as aro awhile back, and we decided to try and make it work. Unfortunately all those little things - cute kisses on the cheeks, whispering I love you, etc. - that they did made me so uncomfortable. Two days ago I decided I had to end it. When I told them, it completely broke their heart.

 

I've never seen anyone in pain like this in my life. They told me the kind of love they felt for me was special - a once in a lifetime kind of soulmate love. I realized a few things then: 

1. I had never understood the depth of their feelings. It took seeing how much pain I caused them to understand. Maybe because that kind of heartbreak is an emotion I can comprehend while romantic love is not.

2. They had never really respected my aro-ness. That is, I came out and told them I don't feel romantic love, but it took ending the relationship for them to fully confront that I didn't feel the same way. They said it hurt to learn I didn't love them, and that sucks because if they respected my being aro they would have faced that when I came out.

 

Right now I'm a bit of a wreck. I can't stop thinking I fucked up. We had such a good thing going - it was by far my best relationship ever. Now I'm worried I threw it all away because I'm weird about kissing. Frankly I still doubt I'm aro all the time. Even though I know romantic love and encounters make me uncomfortable... and I've never felt romantic attachment or attraction in my life.

Basically, I think I did the right thing. I'm out as aro but I still have doubts, and ending the relationship was right for both of us. I really just want anyone to say I didn't make a mistake, and maybe share their own stories.

 

Thanks for letting me rant. I wish I knew anyone who is aro in real life :(

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Not your fault. What you did was within your rights. It don't look like a mistake to me.

 

Also, aro or not, if you feel uncomfortable in a relationship then you must not ignore it. (but if you want my two cents, if you say now that you are aro, then it's what matter. Even if you you realize something else later )

 

22 minutes ago, ameddin73 said:

2. They had never really respected my aro-ness. That is, I came out and told them I don't feel romantic love, but it took ending the relationship for them to fully confront that I didn't feel the same way. They said it hurt to learn I didn't love them, and that sucks because if they respected my being aro they would have faced that when I came out.

 

 

Doubly not your fault then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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18 minutes ago, Cristal Gris said:

Not your fault.

 

Thanks. I'm not worried about who's "fault" it is. I'm just worried I hurt one of my best friends just because I'm nervous about commitment or something. Being on this forum and folks like you giving reassurance are really helping me come to terms with the fact that I am aro and I can't do anything about that.

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Aromantic is not about commitment; and for what I read, you were involved in the relationship.

But if you are not comfortable in a relationship, breaking it is not a mistake, if you can't see a way to make it work. If you both don't expect the same things of your relationship, it is better to stop before realizing too late you don't want the same thing.

 

I hop you can stay friends though, they seem to be an important person for you.

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I doubt it was a mistake even though it was (probably) shocking to see them in so much pain.
Imagine you would not be aro but still would have a problem with being so close and doing the things you talked about (whispering sweet words, etc.).
It's something you can talk about but if the other feels their emotional needs are not met when you don't participate in such actions, it remains a problem for both sides.
You can make compromises but if you are too far apart for an agreement, it can't be helped. Nobody should do things they feel uncomfortable with (on a regular basis), not for the other person's sake either, IMO.
Now, you are aro and they knew. They could have tried to be more considerate for your needs, too (I can only tell from the things you told us). Sometimes, we can't make it work besides everything we try.
I think I know how you feel because I witnessed heartbreak because of me as well. Makes you feel really bad or even guilty but you did not fuck up. I think it would have been worse to stay together with them and not being honest or only trying to play along for them. They don't deserve that and you don't deserve that.
I hope you can still stay in contact or remain friends one day (even though that may be very naive of me).

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Thanks for your support, folks. We met yesterday and they said that, while they'll need some time to "get over me" romantically, we still will remain friends. I'm really happy about that because they're the closest friend I have in this city. I think I won't confront them about being insensitive to my coming out as aro/disbelieving. At least for a long time.

In the meantime I wonder if we can maintain a sexual relationship. All my friends say no, but we've worked through a lot of issues too, and I think it would be nice. We'll see.

 

Anyway I'm feeling a lot less doubtful and more confident in being aro. As usual, making the right steps and the support of this community has made me a lot more sure of myself.

 

Thanks for all the kind words!

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