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nebulosity

Confusion about feelings or lack thereof

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Alright so I'm new to this forum and all the related stuff. I've always felt that I feel emotions different but could never really pinpoint what exactly and would just keep them to myself. Since I have no one else to ask about this I might as well list down some experiences and thoughts, see if anyone can help me figure all this out. Male and straight btw.

 

- As a kid, roughly 6 years old, one of my best friends was a girl. I was always teased by my parents about this with them claiming she as my girlfriend. I was always repulsed by this idea but couldn't really explain why. Maybe I just hated people making assumptions.

-

I switched schools around the time I was 12, leaving behind the friends I had. Leading me to feel lonely and isolated seeing how close everyone else was with each other. This was also around the time I started being interested in girls, so naturally I developed a 'crush' on one of my old friends. I wasn't really interested in her before, but not seeing her regularly made me desire to be with her I guess. These crushes would happen again a few times, usually also involving 'friends' who I would stop interacting with on a regular basis. This didn't happen with every girl I found attractive, more with the ones who have treated me as a friend so to speak. My thoughts and fantasies about them would also generally lack sexual desires.

 

- Now recently after coming across the term aromantic, I've started thinking back at all this, trying to pick out clues if I fit into the spectrum. All the 'crushes' I had might have all been 'squishes' with a bit of sexual attraction squeezed in, probably exaggerated by my feelings of isolation. It certainly doesn't help that I usually 'think more than feel' emotions (Schizoid personality? Don't quote me on that). Then if I imagine myself in future relationships, I always wanted one where there is a natural progression from friend, to best friend then lovers, kind of like in the Sims I guess. The boundary between best friends and lovers just seem so blurred for me. There are times when I think that I can empathize with emotions of fictional characters better than my own feelings, especially regarding video games like Life Is Strange or VA 11 Hall-A. Incidentally both those games feature relationships that kinda progress from friends to lovers.

 

In the end, I still feel lonely and desire intimacy, but I don't know what kind of relationship I would be comfortable with. Maybe what I want most is a 'best friend with benefits' ? I just want to make some sense of it all.

 

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On 8/15/2019 at 4:10 AM, nebulosity said:

- Now recently after coming across the term aromantic, I've started thinking back at all this, trying to pick out clues if I fit into the spectrum. All the 'crushes' I had might have all been 'squishes' with a bit of sexual attraction squeezed in, probably exaggerated by my feelings of isolation. It certainly doesn't help that I usually 'think more than feel' emotions (Schizoid personality? Don't quote me on that). Then if I imagine myself in future relationships, I always wanted one where there is a natural progression from friend, to best friend then lovers, kind of like in the Sims I guess. The boundary between best friends and lovers just seem so blurred for me. There are times when I think that I can empathize with emotions of fictional characters better than my own feelings, especially regarding video games like Life Is Strange or VA 11 Hall-A. Incidentally both those games feature relationships that kinda progress from friends to lovers.

Just wanted to say that I can really relate to this

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On 8/14/2019 at 10:10 PM, nebulosity said:

- Now recently after coming across the term aromantic, I've started thinking back at all this, trying to pick out clues if I fit into the spectrum. All the 'crushes' I had might have all been 'squishes' with a bit of sexual attraction squeezed in, probably exaggerated by my feelings of isolation. It certainly doesn't help that I usually 'think more than feel' emotions (Schizoid personality? Don't quote me on that). Then if I imagine myself in future relationships, I always wanted one where there is a natural progression from friend, to best friend then lovers, kind of like in the Sims I guess. The boundary between best friends and lovers just seem so blurred for me. There are times when I think that I can empathize with emotions of fictional characters better than my own feelings, especially regarding video games like Life Is Strange or VA 11 Hall-A. Incidentally both those games feature relationships that kinda progress from friends to lovers.

 

In the end, I still feel lonely and desire intimacy, but I don't know what kind of relationship I would be comfortable with. Maybe what I want most is a 'best friend with benefits' ? I just want to make some sense of it all.

When it comes to analyzing your feelings and your past, only you can decide whether those things make using the term aromantic (or similar) on yourself useful. But based on what you've said here, I think it might be worth looking into demiromanticism, as well as the varying ways people describe a queerplatonic relationship, which can include a "friends with benefits" sort of situation. Read about others' experiences and compare them to your own, and ask yourself what it is that you want. 

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I can understand your problem. Though I have recently found a term that might fit for you. It's called 'demisexual' meaning you have to have an emotional bond with someone before you gain affectionate feelings for said person. Now you don't have to use labels, and you can determine yourself to be this if you want to or not, this is only something I think fits with the situation at hand.

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