Alright so I'm new to this forum and all the related stuff. I've always felt that I feel emotions different but could never really pinpoint what exactly and would just keep them to myself. Since I have no one else to ask about this I might as well list down some experiences and thoughts, see if anyone can help me figure all this out. Male and straight btw.
- As a kid, roughly 6 years old, one of my best friends was a girl. I was always teased by my parents about this with them claiming she as my girlfriend. I was always repulsed by this idea but couldn't really explain why. Maybe I just hated people making assumptions.
I switched schools around the time I was 12, leaving behind the friends I had. Leading me to feel lonely and isolated seeing how close everyone else was with each other. This was also around the time I started being interested in girls, so naturally I developed a 'crush' on one of my old friends. I wasn't really interested in her before, but not seeing her regularly made me desire to be with her I guess. These crushes would happen again a few times, usually also involving 'friends' who I would stop interacting with on a regular basis. This didn't happen with every girl I found attractive, more with the ones who have treated me as a friend so to speak. My thoughts and fantasies about them would also generally lack sexual desires.
- Now recently after coming across the term aromantic, I've started thinking back at all this, trying to pick out clues if I fit into the spectrum. All the 'crushes' I had might have all been 'squishes' with a bit of sexual attraction squeezed in, probably exaggerated by my feelings of isolation. It certainly doesn't help that I usually 'think more than feel' emotions (Schizoid personality? Don't quote me on that). Then if I imagine myself in future relationships, I always wanted one where there is a natural progression from friend, to best friend then lovers, kind of like in the Sims I guess. The boundary between best friends and lovers just seem so blurred for me. There are times when I think that I can empathize with emotions of fictional characters better than my own feelings, especially regarding video games like Life Is Strange or VA 11 Hall-A. Incidentally both those games feature relationships that kinda progress from friends to lovers.
In the end, I still feel lonely and desire intimacy, but I don't know what kind of relationship I would be comfortable with. Maybe what I want most is a 'best friend with benefits' ? I just want to make some sense of it all.