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QPR , friends and... amatonormativity.


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On 8/11/2019 at 4:16 AM, raavenb2619 said:

Yeah, Googling “queerplatonic relationship” gives me mostly articles like “X signs you’re in a queerplatonic relationship without even knowing”, which feels icky and amatonormative,

Oh for fuck's sake. The entire point is that a QPR is a label chosen by the people involved for a relationship that they feel, as Coyote said, "doesn't fit within societal norms". It's a label used by people who feel their relationship isn't adequately described by any other term available within their social and cultural environment. 

 

That is, there's no specific feeling or behaviour or commitment that makes a relationship a QPR; the idea that someone else can define your relationship as "queerplatonic" based on the nature of the relationship is perpetuating the exact amatonormative relationship hierarchy bullshit that the term was coined in opposition to! 

Edited by eatingcroutons
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  • 7 months later...

I agree that QPRs aren't immune to amatonormativity. This is my perspective as an aro-ace who's never been in a QPR (and don't want to be), but QPRs also seem like "more than friends" to me. Many of the aro ace QPRs I've seen even operate almost exactly like romantic relationships between two romantic aces (not all! But definitely some). Not saying QPRs are entirely romantic, but I think they definitely are more than friends.

 

At one point on AVEN, an aro-ace posted about her worries of being alone after all her married friends with kids become too busy, and was looking for advice, but also stated she didn't want a QPR. I was shocked when despite that, allo aces flooded the comment section telling her to just be in a QPR.

 

I respect anyone's wish to be in a QPR. If someone wants one, by all means, go for it. But I feel like it's something I can't force myself to want, you know?

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On 8/11/2019 at 9:56 AM, eatingcroutons said:

Oh for fuck's sake. The entire point is that a QPR is a label chosen by the people involved for a relationship that they feel, as Coyote said, "doesn't fit within societal norms". It's a label used by people who feel their relationship isn't adequately described by any other term available within their social and cultural environment. 

 

That is, there's no specific feeling or behaviour or commitment that makes a relationship a QPR; the idea that someone else can define your relationship as "queerplatonic" based on the nature of the relationship is perpetuating the exact amatonormative relationship hierarchy bullshit that the term was coined in opposition to! 

I agree with both coyote and with you. Imho, only the people inside the relationship can say what they are into. No person outside the relationship can put a label on the ones inside the relationship. First, because it is rude; second, because it does perpetuate amatonormativity; third, outsiders are just people who observe and come to a conclusion based on what they saw, there is no inside information. Only the ones in the relationship have all the information on what is happening and what has happened. If the persons inside the relationship think and are comfortable with the label Queerplatonic, then i say that go for it, but i do not think that putting that label without asking first the ones inside the relationship is somethi g that should be done. I find labels are, both, a blessing and a curse. Because it gives people the ability to know and validate themselves but also give room to people to put labels to everything, when maybe they don't feel comfortable nor think that the label describe them. 

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