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greyaro/lithro probs, just wondering if anyone else relates


treepod
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Hey there, I'm brand new here and I thought I'd try starting up a conversation. I've known I'm asexual for quite a few years now, but until recently I kinda just lumped my romantic orientation in with that (as in, if someone asked "are you gay or straight or...?" I'd just say I'm mostly not attracted to anyone and leave it at that). But lately I've been realizing that my being greyaro (or something) is complicating my life enough that I should really sort it out and stop being so vague. For my own sake. 

 

So on the one hand, people being attracted to me has always freaked me out. No matter their gender or whether I think they're good looking, any time someone has flirted with me I just get really defensive. Usually, this just results in mildly awkward situations where someone I barely know starts taking an interest in me and I have to explain that I can't reciprocate. But the worst is once when I was a freshman in college one of my close friends fell for me hard and had a really tough time accepting that I couldn't feel the same. The resulting fallout ended our friendship. It made me feel so awful and guilty but also now I'm really paranoid about it happening again. I've definitely thought I had crushes before, but if by chance I found out they liked me too, I'm done. Whoops, no more feelings. (I already know that's pretty lithro) And besides, any """" crush """"  I've had is really more of friend crush, I think.

 

On the other hand, I really wish I could have a romantic relationship. That's really the only grey aspect of my aromanticism. Otherwise I'm super aro. But I feel like lots of other aro people are always talking about how romantic relationships seem so odd to them. Makes me feel bad for claiming I'm aro too. Now, I'm not saying "please validate me ahhh" Like, I realize we're all different and there's room here for all sorts. I guess I'm just curious if there are other folks who feel the same?

 

One more thing, and this is what's really throwing me for a loop: recently I /might/ have developed some kind of feelings for someone else who's arospec, and it's almost like that shared identity is what drew me to them. But... I think I'd like it to be more than a QPR type of thing. Maybe. Idk that almost feels gross because it's like I'm disrespecting the fact that they're aro. And why the heck would anyone be attracted to the idea that someone isn't attracted to them?? .-. 

 

Anyway, I'm pretty psyched to be joining this site. Feel free to say hi :)

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Hey, I just found this site too and I can relate. I'm asexual and not usually attracted to real people romantically. But when I do get a little crush on someone and I realize that they like me back the feelings immediately disappear and I get freaked out. I don't understand it. It's like I'm allowed to like them but they can't like me back. I just feel really violated and I don't like the idea that they are having romantic/sexual thoughts about me. I lost a friend too. He was very nice and supportive and I kinda liked him but when he revealed that he felt the same I immediately lost the romantic feelings.  And I also get that thing about liking the idea of someone who doesn't like you back. It feels safe. I often get romantic feelings for fictional characters for this reason. Weird, I know. Lol. ? But it feels safe to just imagine scenarios in my head, knowing they will never force me into anything because they're not real obviously. You might not relate to the fictional character part but I'm glad I found someone else who gets the rest of it. Have a nice day. ?

 

 

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15 hours ago, chocolate crosiant said:

You might not relate to the fictional character part but I'm glad I found someone else who gets the rest of it.

 

Neato! I can’t say I’ve ever experienced the fictional character thing, but I appreciate the similarity there with me being kinda attracted to someone who is also arospec. My nearest guess as to the reason (not that there has to be a ‘reason’ for being lithromantic) I go back on my feelings so easily is that I realize they don’t want the same things I want, and if we tried to be in some kind of relationship, I’d be left floundering trying to keep up with their drastically different level of attraction and romantic needs. So I guess the appeal of someone similar to me is that the chances of it being more balanced are much better. And same goes for fictional characters, too. They will never show themselves to be interested in you in ways that make you uncomfortable, so I totally get it! Thanks for the perspective, I think it helped me feel less weird about finding a lack of attraction attractive lol

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On 5/19/2019 at 1:36 AM, treepod said:

But I feel like lots of other aro people are always talking about how romantic relationships seem so odd to them. Makes me feel bad for claiming I'm aro too. Now, I'm not saying "please validate me ahhh" Like, I realize we're all different and there's room here for all sorts. I guess I'm just curious if there are other folks who feel the same?

I do find some things about romantic relationships odd, and I think the reason seeing those sorts of comments is so common is because generally online in a-spec spaces are the only places where we can vent or question without being shamed or harassed....sooo these places are totally biased towards complainers :P 

 

On 5/19/2019 at 1:36 AM, treepod said:

And why the heck would anyone be attracted to the idea that someone isn't attracted to them?? .-. 

That is pretty common. Instances in reallife are not in statistics but seeing it's commonality in media lots of people buy into it as either an ideal fantasy or something they can relate to. It is troped as 'playing hard to get' and is basically the plot of all those Bad-Boy YA books, not to mention quite a lot of adult romance fiction, so you may think it is strange but it is not uncommon.

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5 minutes ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

That is pretty common. Instances in reallife are not in statistics but seeing it's commonality in media lots of people buy into it as either an ideal fantasy or something they can relate to. It is troped as 'playing hard to get' and is basically the plot of all those Bad-Boy YA books, not to mention quite a lot of adult romance fiction, so you may think it is strange but it is not uncommon.

2

Hmm... that is an interesting point. But my impression was that people think 'playing hard to get' is attractive because it's enticing, like foreplay or something idk. Or like a challenge to beat the odds? With me it's more like this: I've been in plenty of scenarios where a potential romantic relationship was brewing, but the fact that how they felt about me was so different from how I felt about them turned me all the way off. I think what's 'attractive' to me about someone who's arospec is that theoretically, they'd be more understanding of my greyaro ways whereas an alloromantic person would just think I was being fickle or losing interest, or at least they would find it confusing. 

 

I should probably clarify that what I consider an ideal 'romantic' relationship still leans much closer to a QPR. I /love/ the idea of getting to become really close friends with someone else who's arospec and then discovering together what (if anything) beyond that is worth exploring romantically. You might say I've been doing some big thinks, and it seems to me that that's the only situation that would make me feel comfortable. So I guess that's what I mean by 'being attracted to the idea that someone isn't attracted to me.' What was making me feel weird about the whole thing was, like I said, it seems disrespectful to want to pursue a not-so platonic relationship with someone who might feel totally repulsed if they knew what I was thinking. I know from experience how awful that can feel. I guess it all just depends on what their mindset is toward me  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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@treepod oh yeah, that does sound complicated. but understandable now that you explain it that way. 

Maybe knowing about their repulsions (if they have them) might make you feel less conflicted? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ or at least then you will know where the landmines are so you know where not to step..

 

 

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Guest Chandrakirti

I always find it odd how folk can be instant friends or lovers...i just don't get it.

Kinda like when someone you've just texted for the first time to ask an appointment for something replies with an x at the end of the text...wtf...we're strangers!

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