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I'm Not Sure If I'm Aromantic


Spud
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Hi. So I've been neglecting to make this post, but I feel like I should, because this is a place for aros and gray-aros and stuff, but I'm not sure which one I am.

 

There is one person in particular I can't tell if I'm crushing on or not, and it's really bothering me lately. I've had questions for almost 3 months now. I made a post on AVEN, but no one could really give me a good answer. I hope it will be better here because it's more about romance.

 

So I enjoy her company and really enjoy being physically close to or touching her (not sexually, just in the sense of closeness). And I've been trying to be around her a lot more. I had a few dreams where she was in them and I kind of got excited because I was to date her or something. I can't quite remember anything specifically. But I'm not sure I would enjoy dating in real life. I also don't want to kiss her or anything. But it feels slightly different than for other friends when I'm alone with her. It's hard to describe. But I really want to stay around her a lot. I'm not sure if I have a crush or it's just a passing platonic squish, but most of my squishes have been really small and not anything like this. It's probably worth mentioning she's one of my best friends and I'm shipped with her a lot by my other friends. I've also been mistaken to be in a relationship and I was a little weirded out by that, but I'm not sure if it was because I find the thought gross or because I'm so sick of being shipped haha. I'm also not particularly attracted to her aesthetically (I don't want to look at her for a long time or anything). I used to get awkward moments when I couldn't look her directly in the eyes, but I'm not sure if that was because I just ended up awkwardly laughing because I'm awkward around people :|

 

I have never experienced this before, I was wondering if any of you have felt similar things (especially if you are gray-aro) and if you would classify this as a crush?

 

EDIT:

Okay, some things have changed since I posted this, but here is the AVEN topic I started-

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/134840-question-about-crushesromantic-orientation/#entry1061645026

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I can identify with you quite a bit here. I'm not really sure what's going on with that stuff, because I also don't want romantic relationships. But I want... something. I eagerly await responses to this thread.

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So it sounds like a QPR would be ideal, they wouldn't be your girlfriend, more like your person if you see. Like they're a life buddy rather than a romantic partner? I'm not explaining this well and I've never felt what you have towards someone but it sounds like you want a more than friends relationship without becoming romantic. Hope this did something ( •‿•)b

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5 hours ago, Spud said:

So I enjoy her company and really enjoy being physically close to or touching her (not sexually, just in the sense of closeness). And I've been trying to be around her a lot more. I had a few dreams where she was in them and I kind of got excited because I was to date her or something. I can't quite remember anything specifically. But I'm not sure I would enjoy dating in real life. I also don't want to kiss her or anything. But it feels slightly different than for other friends when I'm alone with her. It's hard to describe. But I really want to stay around her a lot. I'm not sure if I have a crush or it's just a passing platonic squish, but most of my squishes have been really small and not anything like this. It's probably worth mentioning she's one of my best friends and I'm shipped with her a lot by my other friends. I've also been mistaken to be in a relationship and I was a little weirded out by that, but I'm not sure if it was because I find the thought gross or because I'm so sick of being shipped haha. I'm also not particularly attracted to her aesthetically (I don't want to look at her for a long time or anything). I used to get awkward moments when I couldn't look her directly in the eyes, but I'm not sure if that was because I just ended up awkwardly laughing because I'm awkward around people :|

 

 

I think theoretically this all could fall under platonic and be a squish-type of thing.  Obviously, it's impossible for anyone else to know exactly what you're feeling to know if it's romantic or not, but there doesn't seem to be anything exclusively romantic about your desires surrounding the relationship (enjoying being close, wanting to be in her company, etc.).  To me, the only things that sound potentially (but not absolutely) romantic or like a crush are the parts I bolded.  Also, you said that your previous squishes were "not anything like this." What was the difference?

 

Honestly, I'm not even sure that I've ever had a squish, so I may not be the best person to answer this.  But I can say that the parts in bold are things I definitely can't relate to, while the other things you mention make sense to me as just liking someone as a person and wanting to be around them more.   

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Afraid I can't give any real advice other than a similar situation, there's only one person I wasn't sure if it was a squish or crush. Personally it does sound more platonic than romantic, but it's kinda tough to figure out.

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I'll give this a shot. This may be a crush if:

  • You think about this person somewhat obsessively, in a much higher proportion than the amount of actual interaction you have with them, even when they aren't around
  • Imagining them finding a significant other (that isn't you) makes you feel a bit remorseful or jealous
  • You can imagine forming a long lasting relationship with them that puts them before anybody else in your life

It may just be a squish if you don't experience the above but feel:

  • You find them interesting
  • You like talking to them
  • You want to be around them, you feel your attention drawn towards them when they are around
  • They make you nervous or excited
  • You find their quirks and flaws endearing

That's not clear cut and dry, but some indication that it may be more than friendship you are feeling. Things that don't matter:

  • Other people thinking you would make a great couple

I'd be interested to see what other people think about squish vs. crush. This just my own opinion, not based on any kind of research or consensus.

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Ahhhhh mixed messages O.o

9 hours ago, PerformativeSurprise said:

Also, you said that your previous squishes were "not anything like this." What was the difference?

Well, all my previous "squishes" were very very small. And mostly on guys. I would just for maybe one or two weeks (at most maybe a month) have the urge to talk to them more. And I ignored them, and they went away very quickly. I had this (not surprisingly) when I moved to a new school. I made the mistake of thinking they were crushes. In reality, there is no way they were crushes. Although I'm still unsure if this is haha.

 

22 minutes ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

You think about this person somewhat obsessively, in a much higher proportion than the amount of actual interaction you have with them, even when they aren't around

So I used to do this A LOT, but I really don't anymore. But the only reason I think I really did this was because I was extremely confused and not sure if I was crushing on her.

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You don't have to know whether you are crushing on someone to think about them obsessively. I think you have the cart before the horse.

 

So, you were thinking about someone a great deal. That part in itself shouldn't be confusing. You thought about her because you enjoyed doing so. Now, whether that's a crush or not, that could be the confusing part. In other words, you weren't thinking about her a bunch because you were confused, but because you wanted to.

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40 minutes ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

You don't have to know whether you are crushing on someone to think about them obsessively. I think you have the cart before the horse.

 

So, you were thinking about someone a great deal. That part in itself shouldn't be confusing. You thought about her because you enjoyed doing so. Now, whether that's a crush or not, that could be the confusing part. In other words, you weren't thinking about her a bunch because you were confused, but because you wanted to.

What I meant was that I was thinking about her because I was thinking about if I was crushing on her. I didn't mean I thought about her and THEN was confused. I didn't think about her obsessively for seemingly no reason, I thought about her BECAUSE I wanted to try to figure out if I had a crush. Sorry if that sentence was confusing lol.

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I feel this post within my soul. I've been in the exact same situation and for me I came to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter if those feelings were platonic or romantic. What it came down to was simple- I didn't want to date them. That's the part that really mattered and I didn't realize it until this person asked me out. So my advice to you is be honest with your friend. If you want to try dating her or something tell her outright that you're not sure what your feelings are exactly and that you want to try this to figure them out. But ultimately you don't have to know if it's crush or a squish just enjoy loving her. Nothing says it has to be romantic or platonic. You get to decide what you want from the relationship (obviously she has to be on board even if it's just friendship), so just enjoy loving her. 

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