hello, there

[BirdNerd]

I'm so glad I found this forum--it has already helped me give name to my feelings, or a lack thereof, and helped me feel less alone.

 

I recently discovered the term 'aromantic' while volunteering for a support group for the LGBT+ community in my bible-belty town. I have not admitted in even this safe space to being a member of the community, just acted as an ally. I have only told one person irl most of my story.

 

I am a cisgenedered female. I am a single mom to a 12yo sassy pants gal. I haven't had any relationships beyond friendships in more than 13 years intentionally--though my reasoning has shifted overtime.

 

I am pansexual, though I have only ever acted on attractions to guys. I was an older teenager before I even felt sexual attraction. I always felt awkward when (hetero female) friends would dish on their crushes, but I eventually learned to play the game just to keep them from thinking I was gay. Most people in my life at the time were fairly bigoted. I didn't even let myself admit that I had sexual attraction to women until I was in college and more recently that opened up as I met non-binary and transgender folks . While I am pansexual, I have a very low drive, hence my 13+ of nothing happening. I guess at this point I could take it or leave it.

 

Having found the concept of the aromantic spectrum, I finally feel like things make sense. I have dated in the past but all of those experiences left me feeling out of place. Same for any conversations friends and family have about romance, including those friends who dished about their crushes. It wasn't just about my being closeted sexually as I had assumed all those years, but there was another element. Romance just does not seem to compute for me. I think maybe, MAYBE I have felt romantic inclinations once or twice in the past but it wasn't something I got to explore with those people. In both cases they were guys I had a strong inclination to want to be friends with, developed very close friendships with (really were amongst my "best" of friends), and then started to notice what seemed like an actual crush. I haven't decided if I may be more demi or just greyromantic. In either case, I currently have no desire to be in a romantic relationship. 

 

I don't feel like being as closeted about being aromantic and have actually talked to several people about it. My mom said, "well, duh" when I told her. Most of my friends say it just comes from my being shy or that I am being anti-romantic because I am single.So again I am glad to find a place to embrace this part of myself and not feel like I am speaking a foreign language. 

 

I feel it kind of sucks though to realize this about myself in the context of my current relationships and why I feel so effing lonely. All of my friends are married or have partners they've been with for years, and as many of you probably feel those sorts of relationships tend to take precedence. Um also, I didn't realize touch-stravation is a thing. Reading about it here and in psych journals makes me realize part of my problem may very well stem from that--I literally haven't touched anyone other than pets in a week and patted my daughter on the shoulder twice (she doesn't really do hugs or handshakes with most people). I mean that can't be helping my depression much. But I am not really sure how to address it without feeling overbearing or weird.

 

Anyhow. I guess that is enough of an introduction/novella.Thanks if you have read this far.

 

 

[Eklinaar]

Hey, welcome.  Thanks for sharing your story.  I appreciate the way you write about yourself.  I feel you on a lot of stuff.  I don't have any kids myself, but all my friends are married or otherwise paired off and they ignore our friendship and it's really disheartening.  I'm pretty badly touch-starved, myself, and I know others in the community are, too.  I don't really have any way to seek satisfaction in that way.  My sex drive is relatively average but I crave a lot of non-sexual affection, and people often are much less interested in that than in sexual affection.  I've also dated quite a bit and just felt uncomfortable and vaguely unsatisfied in those relationships.

 

I'm glad you found this community and I hope you can make friends here.  I know others will relate to your experiences, too.  And if your username is any indication of your hobbies, then there are some others here who may be interested in talking with you.

[eatingcroutons]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so lonely and isolated, that really sucks. For what it's worth though, being aromantic doesn't have to mean sentencing yourself to continuing to be lonely - there are totally things you can do to find social and emotional fulfillment even when all of your friends have paired off. I find one really simple thing is to try to build friendships with their partners as well! For many of the couples I know, I'd now consider them both my friends, and it's not unusual for me to see a movie with a couple I know, or go out to dinner, or sometimes even go on holidays.

 

I do find that touch can be a trickier one to navigate, just because so many touching behaviours are seen as either romantic or sexual. I'm lucky to have one friend who's always up for platonic snuggling while watching movies or whatever (and whose partner is cool with that), and to have a couple of friends with benefits I hook up with occasionally. But the platonic snuggling situation in particular really was a matter of luck, and I'm not sure how I'd approach finding more people who are okay with that sort of thing - maybe others on the forum will have some suggestions? (I'm still pretty new here myself so maybe there are already discussions about this elsewhere that I haven't found yet!)

[BirdNerd]

11 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

And if your username is any indication of your hobbies, then there are some others here who may be interested in talking with you.

Yeah a bit. I have the advantage of living on 17 acres of woodlands/meadows. I like to spy on the birds.

 

I realized I only introduced myself in terms of orientation and relationships but I guess there is more to me.

 

While I am on the topic--I am an aspiring museologist (have the degree, working on getting into the career). My hobbies include putzing around outside like Tolkien, going on nature nerd outings, photography (totally an amateur but I enjoy taking pics while I am outside),  visiting all the museums, reading (southern lit and horror are some of my favorites), crafting (mostly knitting and sewing), and watching movies (I love introducing my daughter to horror movies and I love a good documentary) and tv (forever favorites include star trek--all of it but primarily TNG-- and x-files).

[BirdNerd]

6 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

 

For what it's worth though, being aromantic doesn't have to mean sentencing yourself to continuing to be lonely - there are totally things you can do to find social and emotional fulfillment even when all of your friends have paired off. I find one really simple thing is to try to build friendships with their partners as well! For many of the couples I know, I'd now consider them both my friends, and it's not unusual for me to see a movie with a couple I know, or go out to dinner, or sometimes even go on holidays.

 

I do find that touch can be a trickier one to navigate, just because so many touching behaviours are seen as either romantic or sexual. I'm lucky to have one friend who's always up for platonic snuggling while watching movies or whatever (and whose partner is cool with that), and to have a couple of friends with benefits I hook up with occasionally. But the platonic snuggling situation in particular really was a matter of luck, and I'm not sure how I'd approach finding more people who are okay with that sort of thing - maybe others on the forum will have some suggestions? (I'm still pretty new here myself so maybe there are already discussions about this elsewhere that I haven't found yet!)

Sentencing is actually an apt description sometimes. I think my main problem is feeling a lack of connection--that the folks I am friends with value the friendship differently from me and/or I am worried about them not sticking around. I do have two friends who I am pretty close to rn and have spent time with them and their spouses. One pair is a new couple who are very much into the PDA so sometimes I end up feeling like a third wheel but the other two are usually fun to both spend time with--we play board games together, share a garden, etc. 

 

At times these two friends have been my source of platonic affection but not as much lately. One of my friends will clutch my hand and want to sit close during movies,and she is like this with everyone but usually only when she has been drinking which puts a damper on the whole thing; thankfully she is trying to get sober--I'd much rather her have take better care of herself. The other is affectionate on occasion, when she was going through a very rough time she would ask me to hold her hand, we hug when greeting each other sometimes, we sometimes sit close while watching movies, etc. But it has seemed stifled lately--I have a hard time not thinking there is some reason for it. I have a habit of overthinking things but she is also not very direct.

 

I don't want any benefits at this time or even really to expand my irl social circle much more so I guess I will just have to steal the occasional back pat.

[Eklinaar]

15 hours ago, BirdNerd said:

Yeah a bit. I have the advantage of living on 17 acres of woodlands/meadows. I like to spy on the birds.

 

I realized I only introduced myself in terms of orientation and relationships but I guess there is more to me.

 

While I am on the topic--I am an aspiring museologist (have the degree, working on getting into the career). My hobbies include putzing around outside like Tolkien, going on nature nerd outings, photography (totally an amateur but I enjoy taking pics while I am outside),  visiting all the museums, reading (southern lit and horror are some of my favorites), crafting (mostly knitting and sewing), and watching movies (I love introducing my daughter to horror movies and I love a good documentary) and tv (forever favorites include star trek--all of it but primarily TNG-- and x-files).

 

Lol, that explains why those are my favorite books.  I take long, slow walks and take time to identify and admire and photograph plants.  I'm also into TNG.  Hit me up any time you want to talk about those things.  I'm not a birder myself but there are several here.

[eatingcroutons]

.