Faeriefate Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 I always thought I was panromantic. I've had crushes on people, the type that makes me want to get close to them, to get them to notice me, to get them to ACCEPT me. It's rare and far between, but yeah. I would say I had a crush on them. Not really a squish, squishes are too... squishy. The thing is, a crush has always been to me the, "I like them, but they probably wouldn't like me. I'm an asshole." As the joker says, "I'm like a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it." Well, I caught my car. I had a crush, I kinda forgot about it because there was no way that would work. A series of coincidences later I find that person again not fully aware it's the same person. I'm being pushed TOWARDS that person. I'm thinking, "Yeah, right." After a few months, I've caught my car. We're talking, and I realize, "Wait a minute. You're my car." to myself. But, at that point it wasn't that I liked THEM. They liked ME. Which is a totally different situation. So I'm the calm "logical" one in the "relationship". I can figure out the next step and "talk" about things (except my feelings). I thought I was getting it. I finally thought I understood. A relationship is someone you're comfortable with, someone you have fun with, right? Right? Come on, don't leave me hanging here. It doesn't make sense. I'm not comfortable. I'm never comfortable with people. It's what makes me seem like an asshole, because it's not difficult to read that I DON'T want to be there subconsciously. You may not be able to consciously know it, but you feel SOMETHING and you MIGHT eventually put it together. What makes it more difficult is I'm getting close to that age. I'm a few years off, but everyone I know is at THAT age. You know the age I'm talking about. Getting married, looking for committed relationships that end in marriage, and having children. I don't even want children right now. I'm not even sure I want to get married one day. But all of these star-struck lovers are so IN LOVE! They're in the honeymoon phase, and the veteran married couples are telling them, "You may be head over heals now, but that fades and you end p just comfortable in a routine and with a best friend. But, you see, I can SEE how they feel. I don't understand it or register it, but I see the, "I can't stay away" thing. I just don't feel it myself. Yes, I WANT to be with this person, but like, I also dread it. I'm not nervous, I actually dread it. And when I'm with them I'm thinking, "limit it to two hours and do something where I don't have to interact". But I have legit fun when I DO interact. I just don't WANT to. It's the same thing with any friend I've had. So am I an asshole, loner, or is there just something missing? Now I'm stuck. Was I romantically attracted to this person? Do I even experience romantic attraction? Do I want a relationship, or do I just like the idea of it? Is this "love" thing anything like what I see in these new couples, or am I misinterpreting it? Am I a sociopath, so mangled and damaged by the shit life gives me that I just CAN'T have that? And the more I think about it the less it because a question of, "Am I fucked up?" and the more it becomes a question of, "How fucked up am I?" I understand a lot of asexuals feel "broken". I wasn't one of them, as I was quite happy without sex. But now I feel broken in what's supposed to be this perfect relationship. I feel as if the train left without me or I'm on the train, but I don't want it to go and it goes. And the rate at which this perfect person is moving feels like a speeding train. Am I aromantic and feeling broken? Am I still panromanitc nad just overanalyzing the relationship when I should just go with my gut? Is it my innate inability to say "no" that's the issue in the first place? Everyone says they see "love" between us, but I wouldn't say that I feel it. I feel comfortable, but not "love" and not "content". Worst of all, I fear that I may have been incredibly wrong in the beginning when we started texting and I fucked up big time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.