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Dunno if I'm aromantic or just an asshole.


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I always thought I was panromantic. I've had crushes on people, the type that makes me want to get close to them, to get them to notice me, to get them to ACCEPT me. It's rare and far between, but yeah. I would say I had a crush on them. Not really a squish, squishes are too... squishy.

 

The thing is, a crush has always been to me the, "I like them, but they probably wouldn't like me. I'm an asshole." As the joker says, "I'm like a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it." Well, I caught my car. I had a crush, I kinda forgot about it because there was no way that would work. A series of coincidences later I find that person again not fully aware it's the same person. I'm being pushed TOWARDS that person. I'm thinking, "Yeah, right." After a few months, I've caught my car. We're talking, and I realize, "Wait a minute. You're my car." to myself. 

 

But, at that point it wasn't that I liked THEM. They liked ME. Which is a totally different situation. So I'm the calm "logical" one in the "relationship". I can figure out the next step and "talk" about things (except my feelings).

 

I thought I was getting it. I finally thought I understood. A relationship is someone you're comfortable with, someone you have fun with, right? Right? Come on, don't leave me hanging here.

 

It doesn't make sense. I'm not comfortable. I'm never comfortable with people. It's what makes me seem like an asshole, because it's not difficult to read that I DON'T want to be there subconsciously. You may not be able to consciously know it, but you feel SOMETHING and you MIGHT eventually put it together.

 

What makes it more difficult is I'm getting close to that age. I'm a few years off, but everyone I know is at THAT age. You know the age I'm talking about. Getting married, looking for committed relationships that end in marriage, and having children. I don't even want children right now. I'm not even sure I want to get married one day. But all of these star-struck lovers are so IN LOVE! They're in the honeymoon phase, and the veteran married couples are telling them, "You may be head over heals now, but that fades and you end p just comfortable in a routine and with a best friend. But, you see, I can SEE how they feel. I don't understand it or register it, but I see the, "I can't stay away" thing. I just don't feel it myself. Yes, I WANT to be with this person, but like, I also dread it. I'm not nervous, I actually dread it. And when I'm with them I'm thinking, "limit it to two hours and do something where I don't have to interact". But I have legit fun when I DO interact. I just don't WANT to. It's the same thing with any friend I've had. So am I an asshole, loner, or is there just something missing?

 

Now I'm stuck. Was I romantically attracted to this person? Do I even experience romantic attraction? Do I want a relationship, or do I just like the idea of it? Is this "love" thing anything like what I see in these new couples, or am I misinterpreting it? Am I a sociopath, so mangled and damaged by the shit life gives me that I just CAN'T have that?

 

And the more I think about it the less it because a question of, "Am I fucked up?" and the more it becomes a question of, "How fucked up am I?"

 

I understand a lot of asexuals feel "broken". I wasn't one of them, as I was quite happy without sex. But now I feel broken in what's supposed to be this perfect relationship. I feel as if the train left without me or I'm on the train, but I don't want it to go and it goes. And the rate at which this perfect person is moving feels like a speeding train. Am I aromantic and feeling broken? Am I still panromanitc nad just overanalyzing the relationship when I should just go with my gut? Is it my innate inability to say "no" that's the issue in the first place?

 

Everyone says they see "love" between us, but I wouldn't say that I feel it. I feel comfortable, but not "love" and not "content".

 

Worst of all, I fear that I may have been incredibly wrong in the beginning when we started texting and I fucked up big time.

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You say you wanted these people you had crushes on to accept you... but it doesn't really sound like you accept yourself.

 

You sound kind of aro maybe. You don't sound like an asshole, or at least, if you are then so am I. I alternate between wanting to hang out with people and wanting to just be left alone and not go near any humans at all. When I'm with people, even people I like, internally I jump between "I'm glad you're here" and "F@(*^)(*^#$ off!"... luckily I don't say the second one out loud. I'm not really sure what this is. Social anxiety/phobia maybe?

 

4 hours ago, AcidicSenses said:

A relationship is someone you're comfortable with, someone you have fun with, right?

I think that is a good and healthy idea of a relationship. All the 'head over heels' nonsense doesn't look sane or healthy to me, or even remotely useful.

 

Love doesn't have to be a strong feeling to be valid, IMO. I love animals and nature and whatnot, but most of the time it's just a really mild background process, not a noticeable feeling or anything. Speaking of which, I probably have alexithymia, so that might be worth looking into as well.

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You might be romantic, but dislike traditional relationships, and you are having trouble getting a grip on the ropes. Or you might be romantic but because you don't have romantic feelings for this person at the moment, you do not feel like you should be in a romantic relationship. On the other hand, you might be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum depending on how your attraction works. You are ultimately in charge of your labels and know how you feel best, so I would recommend looking at the masterlist of orientations and asking around to figure that part out (here is a helpful masterlist). As an aroflux person, I can also point out that sometimes our attractions can fluctuate and we can fall on different parts of the aro spectrum depending on what our brains decide to do, so keep that in mind. Also, having experienced romantic attraction before doesn't mean you can't be aro now. Orientation can be fluid. It's always a personal thing to address. You know yourself best.

 

Aside from orientation, you may be uncomfortable with being in a relationship for some reason. Whether this be because of something else like anxiety or self-esteem issues or just differing or unclear expectations, you might love the idea of romance but when put into practice with you, there is something uncomfortable about it. Perhaps your experience could be attributable to just that person you're talking about. Maybe not all the cards are falling together properly in this case. Alternatively, you might be worried about not having a relationship like the traditional ones you've seen. Those are the possibilities I can think of at the moment. Pinpointing what your worries are exactly will definitely help.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. People are very complex (as a trained cognitive scientist, I know this all too well, hahaha), and it's completely natural to be confused or frustrated. Research all you can, and keep asking us questions. For you, the answer may be an orientation thing or another personal thing, or a combination of many. We're glad to help so do update us if you feel the need.

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