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Im unsure where i fit...


Durrfildils
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Just recently, after getting a boyfriend recently, I have realized I don't react the same as everyone else.  I've discussed with my sister and friends, and they all called me asexual..  I don't think that to be true.  I'm going to be honest (TMI warning), I masturbate.  I get sexually aroused.  But not in a normal sense.  I get aroused by the THOUGHT of things-  but when given the opportunity to do it physically I just can't, it's like a major turn off.  I don't like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and hugging...  Like with friends, I'm okay with hugs (not a fan though, I rarely hug)..  my boyfriend is big on those things.  He's CONSTANTLY trying to hold my hand, hug me, and or kiss me.  I feel nothing but discomfort with those things.  I try to force myself to enjoy them, but all I end up with is this disgusted feeling in my stomach that no one around me seems to understand- not even I.  I keep thinking, "I liked you better when we didn't do these things" I liked the friendship so much better, I don't desire these romantic advances.  He wants to do romantic dates, and candlelight dinners for Valentine's day- but I don't.  I just rather sit at home, read something- play a game.  I'm not to into the dates, especially since I feel pressured to do typical "girlfriend" stuff now...  I enjoy romantic movies, books, comics...  I just don't desire the romance myself.  It's off putting and it makes me uncomfortable.  So while searching, I came upon the term aromantic..  but I don't think I'm aromantic.  Because I have experienced a fluttering sensation once in my 21 years, back in high school- freshmen year, when my boyfriend at the time shocked me with a pull in hug.  That was the first time I ever experienced a fluttering feeling and it has been the only time I've experienced said feeling.  I also tend to crush.  Like a lot, but realized that my crushes were more sexually motivated- like I thought they were hawt- that was it.  They usually ended quickly.

 

I just, I don't know what I am.  I'm attracted to guys so I know I'm heterosexual?  I just need advice bad...  I'm a confused idiot...

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You don't sound like an idiot :) Being a human is pretty confusing in my experience, hah.

 

17 hours ago, Durrfildils said:

but I don't think I'm aromantic.  Because I have experienced a fluttering sensation once in my 21 years, back in high school- freshmen year, when my boyfriend at the time shocked me with a pull in hug

 

Yeah, you might not be 100% aromantic, maybe? Don't worry, it's not an arocalypse membership requirement :P. I might have experienced this 'fluttering' feeling one time myself, but it could've just been anticipation built up around a "more sexually motivated" crush, as you put it. I must say though that this, to me, screams "somewhere on aro spectrum":

17 hours ago, Durrfildils said:

He's CONSTANTLY trying to hold my hand, hug me, and or kiss me.

(it's just the way you felt the need to write CONSTANTLY in all-caps xD)

 

17 hours ago, Durrfildils said:

I just need advice bad

Well, one thing that caught my attention from your post was:

17 hours ago, Durrfildils said:

I don't like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and hugging

Are there physical things you do like? Such as, um, sex (sorry for the very personal question :$). I'm just trying to establish if it's the association of the physical things with romantic undertones that is putting you off. Now, I'm not suggesting you rush out and have experimental no-strings casual sex, or anything like that (!) but maybe, if you happen to have done so in the past, and it felt okay (or even enjoyable, no discomfort involved) then that might help you to isolate what it is about the physical interactions you described that is specifically making you uncomfortable?

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18 hours ago, Durrfildils said:

I try to force myself to enjoy them, but all I end up with is this disgusted feeling in my stomach that no one around me seems to understand- not even I.  I keep thinking, "I liked you better when we didn't do these things" I liked the friendship so much better

Oh man, this takes me back.

I've never been kissed, and I never plan to be, but I came close once. That was more than enough for me!

I would suggest telling your boyfriend how you feel. I understand this can be a tricky thing to do. I have a friend who liked me romantically, and I led him on a little bit in an effort to "get myself there". It didn't work, and I told him I just wanted to be friends. This was after we had slowed danced at Prom, after he had leaned in slowly for a kiss, read my body language, and stopped. Of course he was confused, but he didn't interrogate me. He just said okay. We're still friends

Before I found the term "aromantic", I kept trying to describe it like the part of me that was responsible for all of "that stuff" was missing. But that sounded insane to me, so instead what came out was, "I'm don't know if I want a boyfriend," and that was interpreted as, "I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now." Not quite the message I was trying to get across.

When I did find and accept that aromantic was part of my identity, I gave my friend the dictionary definition of the term. While he's not a fan of labels in general, it did help him understand why I had acted the way I did.

I can't guarantee your boyfriend will react as well as my friend did, but if he's worth your friendship he will. Tell him that you're confused. Tell him that there's others like you. And when things get uncomfortable, let him know.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Here's some aromantic-spectrum ice cream! :aroicecream: 

 

 

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4 hours ago, NullVector said:

Are there physical things you do like?

There are but they neither fall into romantic or sexual.  I like my hair being played with, and my back being scratched (but it's just because it calming and pleasant).  While I have been.. aroused, I have never actually felt the desire to go out with someone for some funky time.

 

 

4 hours ago, NullVector said:

(it's just the way you felt the need to write CONSTANTLY in all-caps xD)

 

It's because I can only tolerate it for so long, until it starts to become uncomfortable- giving me the sensation to run away.  And it feels as if he's pressuring me, despite the fact I've told him it makes me uncomfortable.

2 hours ago, Naegleria fowleri said:

can't guarantee your boyfriend will react as well as my friend did, but if he's worth your friendship he will. Tell him that you're confused. Tell him that there's others like you. And when things get uncomfortable, let him know.

I'll try it, I have told him holding hands and such stuff makes me uncomfortable yet he still tries to pressure me.  He does not know how to read body language, sadly.  He called me dense because I wasnt picking up his "hints" to hold my hand, but I did I just ignored it because that morning I had told him it was making me uncomfortable and would rather not.  But maybe if I show him the term and explain myself (the best I can haha), he'll be more open minded..

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5 hours ago, Durrfildils said:

But maybe if I show him the term and explain myself (the best I can haha), he'll be more open minded..

Hopefully he gets it, and quickly. You say he is into all the really obvious fluffy romance stuff and Valentines Day is coming up, so it is definitely best to squash any plans he may have early as the last thing you want is that 'sick to your stomach' feeling becoming literal. Though I guess there is no greater indication of romantic repulsion than projectile vomit. (sorry)

If you want to look for a label to fit your experiences it will be a tough time of dissecting your feelings (it is just a painful process for most everyone) but the best thing for now is to define your boundaries. What are you okay with? what are you not okay with? 

Take hand holding for example, is it always bad (this could mean some sort of touch repulsion) or is it okay to hold hands with a child or an elderly person or a 100% friend? 

figuring out boundaries and enforcing them is probably the best thing you can do for your own happiness :) 

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14 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Take hand holding for example, is it always bad (this could mean some sort of touch repulsion)

 

I'm okay with holding hands with family and hugging friends and family...  So I don't think it necessarily touch repulsion?  Until I feel the undertones of romance..  That's when I have a problem with it.

15 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

best thing you can do for your own happiness :) 

 

But what about his?  He's into that stuff, would that not be considered selfish of me?  That's where I start to feel bad and guilty..

 

14 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Though I guess there is no greater indication of romantic repulsion than projectile vomit.

 

You say sorry, but sometimes I feel like that would be the only way people would understand the depth of what I'm trying to tell them :facepalm: 

 

10 hours ago, Naegleria fowleri said:

This might help. Or it might confuse you more

 

I actually found some that sound like me.  But I couldn't find just ONE..  Is it possible to be defined with more than one term?

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33 minutes ago, Durrfildils said:

He's into that stuff, would that not be considered selfish of me?  That's where I start to feel bad and guilty..

 

I like to think of it this way. If you were gay, would it be selfish? Of course not. You would only be attracted to other women, which (as far as I can tell) he is not. And yes, gay people have ended up in heterosexual relationships because of all kinds of pressures society and family can place, but should it be that way? Are gay people just supposed to be accommodating when someone of the opposite sex likes them? No. That is oppression.

 

47 minutes ago, Durrfildils said:

Is it possible to be defined with more than one term?

Aroflux, maybe?

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4 hours ago, Durrfildils said:

I'm okay with holding hands with family and hugging friends and family...  So I don't think it necessarily touch repulsion?  Until I feel the undertones of romance..  That's when I have a problem with it.

Yup, I would say not touch repulsed, so your reaction is definitely tied to the underlying emotional expectation. So probably romance repulsion, but just as a point of interest I have known 'hopeless romantic' alloromantics who have certain repulsions and aversions, so really it is a sort of instinctual preference (or not) to certain things, and so nothing to be sad about. 

I only said sorry about the projectile vomit as it isn't really a TMI or Trigger Warning worthy, just sort of gross to bring into conversation. 

 

4 hours ago, Durrfildils said:

But what about his?  He's into that stuff, would that not be considered selfish of me?  That's where I start to feel bad and guilty..

One thing I have noticed about couples or even friends, when one isn't happy the other can pick up on it and it affects their mood negatively. So doing things you don't like and feeling bad is basically forcing him to hang out with someone who feels bad.

 

I would call your desire to cater to his romantic touchy feely needs as a sacrifice of your own feelings for his, what you should look for is a compromise: both of you doing something together that makes you both happy. Sure, he may not be quite so happy as he might imagine you could be (the important thing is the word imagine, as in some romantic fantasy where you are equally blissful doing the same romantic stuff as him~ basically the whole idea of "everything would be perfect if this one other person would just fundamentally change to fit my ideal") but then you won't be feeling horrible and all the stuff that comes with. 

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