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Queen of Spades

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This story should be the living proof that aromantics do have a heart and they can have it broken, regardless of what those foolish myths say...


So I met this woman online 4 years ago. Both of us were members of a lyrics translating website and one day she approached me on the chat. Even though she was 11 years older than me, she was young at heart. I was only 17. We started talking more and more often and came to realise that we have quite a few things in common. It felt comfortable talking to her. One year later I realised she understands me better than anyone else. I came to love her for what she is: for her wonderful soul and her great personality. Despite the distance(we live in the same country, but different towns) we've been through a lot together as we were always there for each other, we shared our deepest secrets. She made me feel safe and warm. I loved her so much. I really thought we had a special bond. But one year ago durig our last comversation she told me about some symptoms she's been experiencing, such as nausea and headaches and she was scared because she thought she had some horrible disease. :( I tried to chase away her irrational fear but it seems I failed... 2 weeks after she sent an e-mail to me, apologising she hadn't contacted me since and telling me she was depressed and isolating herself is her coping mechanism...Of course I respected her decision, but I thought it was just a brief phase...I was wrong...back in April something devastating happened...I sent an e-mail to her because I felt the need to talk to someone and she was the only one who could understand me...but...she told me she couldn't help me as she was "too much of a wreck to help anyone at that point in her life"... That was horrible news, can't even describe what it felt like...But all this time I've been waiting for a sign...it never came....it is now that I realise that things will never get back to normal again and I lost her...a goodbye that was never said and explained...I never thought this could happen....We once made a promise to never leave each other's side, no matter what happens...I meant it and I believed it....Thing is... I can't forget her. Sometimes I dream about me and her talking again...but it's never reality...just dreams... Time and again I can't seem to stop the tears because the pain gets unbearable. My wound doesn't seem to heal. She broke not only her promise, but my heart as well. I am devastated ???



Edited by Queen of Spades
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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.  I know how hard it is in this kind of situation, from both sides (in fact, I need to go apologize to someone right now for not being as present as I had been able to in the past).  I think some of us aromantics especially feel the loss of friendship very strongly, since close friendship is the most intense kind of voluntary relationship we usually experience (I have a theory that some aromantics experience close friendship MORE intensely than allos, but no proof of this).  I have lost friends who I thought wanted to always be there, because they got married or had babies or just decided that a close friendship was inappropriate, and it always feels like the way people describe a bad divorce.  I still deeply miss some of them, years later.  Nothing I can say will fix the pain you are feeling, but I can say that you aren't alone and there is a community of supportive people here.


As for your friend, there's always the possibility that she really does want to be there for you and can't.  I don't want to assume what her motivations are, but I've been in that position.  As someone who suffers from bad depression and anxiety and has had other illnesses recently, I have had to end friendships just because I am too exhausted and ill to make the effort of communication.  It's hard to explain how much my illnesses take out of me sometimes and how sick I feel.  Sometimes I can't even get out of bed.  Sometimes I'm so sick that I can't even decide what to eat.  Just the effort of making that decision is insurmountable.  I didn't want to withdraw from most of my friends, but I literally could not muster the energy to make the decisions required to carry a conversation.  It's heartbreaking to be in either position, and the best I can do is go back and attempt to repair some of those friendships at times when I am not as ill.


Regardless of her motivations or intentions, the pain you are feeling is real and present, and I hope you can recover from it.  The best advice I can offer is don't run from your sadness, but also take care of yourself, even if you don't want to.  Our needs for intimacy and companionship are real and valid, and the pain and grief we feel when we lose those things are real and valid, even if our experiences don't fit the mainstream.

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That is really sad. I'm sorry your friend wasn't there when you needed support and it sounds like she was refusing the support you were offering for a long time. It is very likely that she doesn't know how much she has hurt you and probably even thinks you are better off now, because mental illness is a vicious window to see the world through. 

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