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Very confused person here. Please help


OrangesAndLemons
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I'm giving myself a headache with this, and I thought I'd go here before AVEN.  I know that I'm asexual with an aesthetic attraction to very thin people of any gender (is that even relevant?).  My problem is that I've always called myself "a not strong romantic," to use basic language, and I'm starting to question whether I even experience romantic attraction at all.  There is a boy I like and I'm starting to wonder if the emotions I have towards him are the exact same I have towards my two best friends.  I crave his attention and he makes me feel safe and fuzzy, but the same is true for my friends.  I feel a bit fake because he is aro ace (yes, it's awkward for him and me both) and I never consideredasexuality before meeting him.  I knew what it was, I dated one once (demiasexual really), but I nver thought to apply it to myself.  I have written proof of me referring to myself as a non-sexual person in the past, which I guess is the same as asexual, but called myself bisexual publically because I entered relationships with both males and females in the past.  Only one of them was ever a result of an emotional connection, it was actually unofficial, and I was the most unaffectionate girlfriend in existence with him.

 

I find romantic books dull, uncomfortable and frustrating.  Kissing scenes in movies make me go "Oh my God, please stop," and my parents (and friends, and siblings) laugh.  Romantic things like bringing me flowers are completely wasted on me; I don't get it.  I don't see the point in showering with another person, cause I don't feel like it gets you clean enough and I don't like having my naked body touched.  The thing is that I can feel intensely with a person and will enter relationships, either to play with the person out of boredom or because the person has something I want.  And I like hugs and cuddles.  Kissing is nice to an extent (closed mouth and only very occasionally).  Yet, when I look at this guy, although I know I love him, I'm beginning to realize that it's really similar to the same adoring love I have to my best friends.  Either I have a romantic attraction to my best friends, or this is not romanticism?  

 

What even is romantic attraction?  How do I know I don't experience it?  It's like when I was trying to work out what being female and male is, and sexual attraction.  (I know I am aseuxal and agender)

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Hey there :) first off, welcome to the forum! I might not be the most qualified person to answer, but reading the overall post, to me it sounds very much like you could be aromantic. Not sure if these are useful questions to ask yourself, but...

If your best friends and this guy all asked you to go on a romantic date with just one of them, would you specifically pick him over them?

Would you want any kind of exclusive relationship with him that's different than the ones you have with your friends? As in closer and you may do romantic coded things with each other that you don't do with others?

Do you get butterflies or any other kind of intense feelings when you see him that you don't get for other people? (I suspect not from what you've written)

That's about all I can think of, in terms of introspective questions. I hope they can help you start to make sense of your feelings, at least!

 

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I will try to help, and hopefully it does.

Does he fit your aesthetic attraction criteria? extra feelings of wanting to be around him to look at him might be part of that. 

 

On 17/08/2017 at 10:45 PM, OrangesAndLemons said:

I find romantic books dull, uncomfortable and frustrating.  Kissing scenes in movies make me go "Oh my God, please stop," and my parents (and friends, and siblings) laugh.  Romantic things like bringing me flowers are completely wasted on me; I don't get it.  I don't see the point in showering with another person, cause I don't feel like it gets you clean enough and I don't like having my naked body touched.  The thing is that I can feel intensely with a person and will enter relationships, either to play with the person out of boredom or because the person has something I want.  And I like hugs and cuddles.  Kissing is nice to an extent (closed mouth and only very occasionally).

These comments correlate fairly well with how I feel as an aromantic, and the experiences of others I have read. 

I find romance books dull and annoying, kissing scenes are boring and mostly unnecessary. Cut flowers are pretty but I will flat out refuse if they are a colour/flower I don't like, then think the person is stupid if they feel hurt (they should have asked/known better). Shared showers is a waste of water, it is like taking 2 half showers, ew. I have been known to emotionally manipulate and play with peoples feelings, sometimes unconsciously but sometimes out of boredom or spite (in a kind of 'how dare you inflict your feelings on me, I am going to squeeze all I can from you as revenge')(I know, I was a horrible person for awhile). I feel comfort from cuddles, so I like them to a certain extent. 

 

As for your question about romantic attraction, I don't know, I have never felt it. For years I thought it was a social construct and everyone was following peer pressure to exaggerated levels. 

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On 8/17/2017 at 3:15 PM, OrangesAndLemons said:

Yet, when I look at this guy, although I know I love him, I'm beginning to realize that it's really similar to the same adoring love I have to my best friends.  Either I have a romantic attraction to my best friends, or this is not romanticism?  

In the context of romantic love people say stuff like “My feelings for you are real”. You never hear someone talking about non-romantic love that way. Romantic love must feel so unique and intense that people think that any more concrete description, even like “adoring love”, would be an understatement. Therefore just “my feelings” …

 

So I'm pretty certain that what you experience isn't romantic.

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