The Newest Fabled Creature

I'm not officially diagnosed but it's been heavily speculated by therapists that I'm autistic, and I just happen to be aromantic. I never once thought that my autism/neurodivergencey affected my romantic attraction, and to be honest I blamed any attraction I may have felt of that sort lessening solely on puberty XD

But I can see how others who don't understand the a-spec community, may use neurodivergencey as a way to say, "Oh that makes sense because you're [this or that or both]" when one is talking about their a-spec identity or potentially coming out to someone as a-spec, and it sucks. The thing is, I'm neurodivergent and aro but my brother, who is very much also neurodivergent, is not at all a-spec, has dated before, and expressed feeling both romantic and sexual attraction towards women. So, yeah.

I feel like it does depend on the individual if they want to deems themselves queer for their romantic orientation, but aromanticism and asexuality are a part of the queer community! For my being aro, I not only deem that part of me queer but also a part of the community as well.

On 3/10/2023 at 5:41 PM, hemogoblin said:

There are straight queer people. Queer certainly includes trans identities. Queer is not just sexuality. The brilliance and the draw of queer is that A) it's inclusive (which, incidentally, is exactly why it has suffered from this "queer is a slur" campaign to silence queer folk - all of our terms are slurs!), and B) it's vague. Queer includes all of us. It means you can't separate out the "good" queers from the "bad" queers and cherry pick the ones you think society might find more acceptable while throwing the rest under the bus. It's all of us. Not-straight, not-cis, kinky, sex working, leather daddies, butches, stones, bears, cross dressers, twinks, fags, dykes, trannies, transsexuals, drag stars, crossdressers, tomboys, polyam folk, aros, aces, and other so-called "degenerates". Queer is a statement. We stand together, unified. We respect our differences because all our differences deserve to be respected and accepted. We will not point fingers and separate. We have each other's backs. It is Queer people who fought and died for what progress we did make in regards to "lgbtq+" rights, so nobody has to identify as queer (nobody has to identify as anything ever), but I would certainly hope they respect those who do, as well as honor Queer history.

That said, this could also easily lead to another discussion of how the binaries we've set up between straight or gay, ace or allo, aro or allo, trans or cis, etc. simply don't exist. Humans exist on spectrums. The extreme ends of the spectrum are the rarest points. Most people are going to fall into some sort of middle space. There's a whole lot more blending than clearly defined lines than we really get the chance to get into the nuance of because of attacks on our lives that make these discussions so polarized and limiting.

Holy shit, I love this, this a statement I needed to read.

You're not alone! I wouldn't say I'm completely sex-averse, maybe a little, but I am sex-indifferent and despite the fact that I do experience sexual attraction, I just can't see myself actually having sex with anyone? Other than the occasional idea of it, but actually following through? No. This did make me question if I'm ace-spec, but I don't believe I even am especially since as stated sex-repulsion doesn't equal to being asexual/ace-spec. I just, don't see sex as something I'd do really (of course, I can't say I'd exactly %100 rule out the possibility of me having it, but it feels like a very situational thing for me, hence me being mostly indifferent).

Really the only people I relate to are singles that aren't romance-centered, even if they're alloro, and people who may be in a relationship but have had prior experience in other relationships, where they realized that they didn't put much effort into their friendships and made to change that.

My brother is my fraternal twin, but we don't look alike that much unless you're looking for shared traits, but we especially don't look alike from him taking on features from our biological father and I from our mom (we also took different features from our grandparents on our mom's side too, more or less). We only look so much alike now, because I cut my hair very short and he cut his recently grown-out hair short too, but I would like to hope that because of my butch-ness I doubt many would think we're dating if someone saw us hanging out - but before I had cut my hair so many people thought that we were a couple - especially people at school. 

Like, I have a very, veeery clear memory of when me and him were in middle school and this girl, who we did not know at all, saw us goofing off in the gym and asked if we were a couple - to which we said, "No, we're not. We're siblings, twins to be exact" - and she asked the age ole creepy ass question, "Oh! Well.. if you two weren't siblings, would you date?'' Like... no? What type of question is that? I guess she saw us so much like a couple that she thought that that was okay to ask so that she could have an excuse to still see us as "coupley".

39 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

I mean I like the idea of it… kind of? I don’t know I’m impartial but I haven’t had any experience at all so it’s hard to really be able to confidently say out loud “oh I have literally no intention to date.” I mean I don’t really want to but I’m not able to say that and feel 100% confident about that.

I get that! That was me before I had my first ever qpr that I had to end. Not saying that you have to have a relationship to come up with any conclusion, but having a qpr was what made me find out that I'm non-partnering, though I still can't help but want to want a relationship, even if it's not what I actually desire to happen in real life.

9 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

So perhaps it’s more you like the idea of it? I don’t think that I’ve ever really fantasized about that and it never went deep at all, it was always just been… there and I wasn’t exactly excited about the idea of that.

Yeah! Wow, that's literally what that is, just the idea of it sounds appealing and so I place it onto fictional characters. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. Thank you lol/gen

Like how other people stated, I think it's mainly from perception and intent behind actions, words, etc, and especially who you're with in the first place anyway.

There's not a lot that I see as romantic, personally. Most of the time I'm either indifferent in my perception or it flips from "Okay, that feels romantic to me" or "I don't view that as romantic automatically." I absolutely don't view it as romantic to hang out with someone/a group of people, or to hug or cuddle someone, and I may not find kissing needing to be romantic - but holding hands I can't help but find romantic sometimes and the terms "boyfriend," "girlfriend," and even "partner" I often switch around in feeling as though they're romantic or not (although I know those terms are used for romantic purposes more so than not, especially "boyfriend" and "girlfriend").

3 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

I’ve only ever just found characters cool, say Alastor from Hazbin Hotel, he’s aroace, has stupid powerful magic, and the coolest personality! (in the most demonic and evil sense possible. The only thing I ever had for characters was mild aesthetic attraction and admiration on the villains abilities or personality.

That's awesome! There's times where I experience that type of admiration or aesthetic attraction towards characters, but it doesn't happen as often as me fantasizing a relationship. And yet again, it's not because I actually full on want to be "in a relationship" with a certain character, it's very hard to explain, because sometimes as I stated I would just suck myself out of the fantasy since my aromanticism would come into play, but I guess my brain would sometimes just be like, "Well... you went way too deep into this fandom... and you'd never want to be in a relationship in the first place - so here ya go! :D"

I feel like the times I labeled myself as "having a crush" on someone was me experiencing alterous attraction, with some sensual attraction thrown in as well. Like, I would want to get very close with them and be around them and have a stronger relationship with them, but not once did I ever label any of it as "romantic" (though I did this unconsciously). Which is odd, since I would label them as "crushes" but not even think that that was romantic?

I would love a meet up that was specifically a-spec near where I live, mainly because although I know a-spec people online, it feels so much more different meeting someone else who's a-spec in-person, and in a way I think it would help me feel as though we're more, I don't know, out there? I mean, when I was in high school there was only one other person I got to know who stated they were aro-spec and that was it, and it left a big impact on me, like "woah we actually do exist" (of course there could've been more people who were a-spec in my high school, but that was my only in-person interaction so far with another person who's aro).

On 5/26/2023 at 6:56 PM, HelloThere said:

Wow, I didn’t know that it was possible for people to come up with some fantasized relationship with a fictional character. I’ve only ever felt biased towards characters that were aesthetically attractive, I thought that’s what a fictional crush was. 😅

I completely understand that, I feel aesthetic attraction towards fictional characters too! But, yeah, I would sometimes get so absorbed into a piece of media and fixate on a character so badly that I would kind of just do that.

Yeah the only people I've come out to directly have been friends of mine who are unabashedly open about being queer or are intense allies of the queer community, and know what the term 'aromantic' and 'asexual' mean; there were some I came out to that didn't know what they meant but I kind of knew I could safely explain it them? And the only family member I've told has been my twin brother, because he's the literal definition of chill ally "Oh, that makes sense," and "That's cool :)"

Any other family members of mine I have not told at all.

Maybe I'll tell my sister soon, but only because she's generally accepting and even went through a questioning period of wondering if she was aroace before deciding she was definitely straight. Now, I don't know if that'll make her decide that I'm just questioning and am not aro or if she'll actually accept my aromanticism, she's kind of fickle like that; but even if she didn't accept my being aro it's not like I'm in mortal peril from her knowing. But yeah, I'm also not exactly out to every one of my friends; hell I have some city friends who live quite a long way from me, and although I'll always say they're the closet and most reliable friends I have, they don't even know about my being trans nor about my sexuality at all, because of how questionable their acceptance is to me.

If it came up in a conversation I may say something, but yeah.

25 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

Yeah that’s kinda a cool way to do so, just nonchalantly talking about that and then just going in with the conversation, no real explanation required. :D

Yeah, I’ve told my parents that I have no interest in dating, marriage, or having kids and they kinda just went with it. They’re even relatively supportive about that too, everytime that they talk about a future where one of us have kids she just refers to my brothers and leaves it there. It’s SO refreshing that I can’t even describe it. XD

That's amazing how intrinsically supportive your parents are! I usually hear (from my mom most of the time) the whole entire spiel of me "one day getting a partner" though luckily she places the word "if" in front of discussions about children/grandchildren, since she's the type to say that although she'd be happy to have grandchildren she knows that that shouldn't come to with the cost of our own happiness if we (me and my siblings) sincerely don't want any kids.

On 1/28/2021 at 2:19 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

I sort of accidently came out to an almost stranger because I really just don't care that much anymore. We were in a group talking about relationships and I just said 'being aromantic' then made the hand-pass-over-the-head (with a whoosh noise) movement then went to eat more food. 

To be honest that's legendary right there.

On 5/25/2023 at 11:30 AM, LeGens said:

I have not seen him mention but Daryl Dixon will forever be aroace in my book, even if The Walking Dead tried to give him a girlfriend.

 

Hell yes!!! He's peak!! I did like Connie, she's a cool character and her and Daryl teaming up was interesting, but I straight up can't see him in a romantic relationship and at most - because of how non-declarative his "romantic feelings" were for Connie - I can really only see their could-be-relationship only being built on tertiary attraction; like something that isn't romantic but not platonic.

Not much of an advice-type of reply but more of a I-relate-to-this type with all of the older comments. I believe I was around 17 almost 18 when I realized that I'm aro (I'm not asexual though), and I constantly fought with myself about it, because - although I don't label them as crushes anymore - I had previous intense emotional attractions towards people when I was a little kid, and I kept using that as a frame of reference for me "not actually being aro." But the thing is, I had to learn that that doesn't matter because my lack of romantic attraction has been prevalent for nearly 5 years now (probably 6), and I know I would not be happy in being in any type of relationship (romantic or queerplatonic).

I don't think I'm too young to know I'm aro (especially since I'll be almost 20 soon) and yes I know things could and do change, but that does not mean that my and anyone else's current identity isn't valid nor not who we are in the present. It's just we change through new experiences and that could influence what we go by in the future, it doesn't make us any less queer. Don't marry yourself to a label but also know that your identity, from now and beyond,  is  important, sacred, and just a piece of all that is you.

On 5/24/2023 at 6:24 PM, Guest just._.meh said:

Hi! I'm in an intense dillema right now, bc i'm confused whether i'm aroace or bi. I've had romantic attraction to people before, both girls and boys, so i consider myself bi. At one point, i got asked out, and felt kind of excited, but now i feel like being in a relationship is just something that isnt it for me. Idk whether this is bc it was the wrong person, my commitment issues or something, but whenever i think of being in a relationship feels suffocating and i like being single much much better. Please comment to help me figure this all out!!

I know this feeling all to well friend! For me, I soon realized that I'm aro a bit after exploring why relationships made me feel uncomfortable (and I was also questioning why I suddenly stopped feeling romantic attraction the past 5 years), not to say that that makes you aro, but I understand your feeling of suffocation about relationships and for me, I constantly called that uncomfortably "commitment issues" though I later, of course, realized that I was uncomfortable about relationships on my part of being aromantic.

I would explore the side of fluctuating aroace-ness? Identities like arospike, acespike, or aroacespike, not because I'm saying that is who or what you are, but they are identities that encompass feeling attraction but there would just be spikes of lack of attraction in certain orientations.

Despite being, well, aro, there are lot's of romantic songs I really love and adore!

These consist of the oldies, a few modern ones, and usually don't revolve around the idea of "everyone is looking for love" though granted there's a few songs that I like that have that disdainful belief in them.

The type of romantic songs that I especially enjoy, are usually the ones that consist of the individual singing of how they adore their romantic interest or the singer expressing loudly just their romantic feelings for their muse (I have many favorites of just this variety). Some romantic songs I like can also be read as the individual experiencing tertiary attraction, and so could be read as aro-coded; one example of this being the song You Send Me by Sam Cooke ("you send me" does have romantic connotations placed onto it for the most part, but it isn't a direct declaration of romantic love either).

So, are there any romantic songs that y'all like? (to list some personally: Ain't That A Kick In The Head? by Dean Martin, Can't Take My Eyes Off of You by Frankie Valli, Beyond The Sea by Bobby Darin, Together Forever by Rick Astley, I Was Made For Loving You by KISS, etc)

If so, are they usually modern or oldies? (the songs I listed can be all considered oldies, so maybe Modern can be our current hit artists or pop stars)

What kind of genre(s) are they usually in? (my favorites are usually in the Blues, Jazz, Swing, Vocal Six, Soul and Folk variety, with outliers like Pop and Rock)

What makes you enjoy these romantic songs and why? (could be because of lyrics, certain instruments, or rhythm/beat, maybe all of the above)

What do these romantic songs consist of that makes you enjoy them so? (i.e. my favorities being declarative love songs or grey love songs that could be read in an aromantic way)

9 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

Yeah, probably the only reason I’m impartial about relationships is that the full weight of what you have to sacrifice and the emotional connection inside it is like. XD

It’s strange how one moment someone can be impartial on marriage and the moment that it’s brought up for themselves they panic. It’s strange because that’s literally me. XD

Literally me! I would be vibing and then the mood is dropped drastically lol

1 minute ago, HelloThere said:

Whenever the topic of marriage comes up it’s taken very lightly in my brain. I mean I know that’s a big deal but to me that’s just.. there. Like if I was forced to marry I’d just drift through a marriage and break up afterwards. XD

I understand that! There's times where I take it lightly, and then there's times where I understand the whole entire "big heavy weight and dream" of it that alloromantics make a big deal of. I only understand that aspect of it when I get cold sweats because someone in my immediate family would bring it up and expect me to agree (especially my mom).

#1 make sure it's safe to do so. Bring up the topic of the aspec community and gauge their reactions. As HelloThere said, if it's safe enough to come out, break down what you'd want to communicate and what boundaries you'd like to set. Also, check to make sure that this is something you actually want to do. I know you want to stop the harassment of being shipped with other people, or being asked about crushes and that expectation, but ask yourself if is this coming out is fully for you.

I chose "something else" because my ideal living space for being homebody is for a big ole household to be filled with people I trust, and who wouldn't tear it up, and it would be somewhere kind of countryside but close to a city so we could have something to do if we ever went traveling.

Speaking of traveling, I'd also like a traveling family (blood and chosen) where we do lot's of shit together.

For me to generally marry anyone, which I doubt would happen, I believe I would have to feel a very strong alterous attraction to them. Even then, I may still not marry them nor have a relationship, but that's kind of the only way I'd see myself marrying anyone. The reason why I would marry them, if I did, would be for convenience for the both of us!

There are aros that may experience having crushes and that's just another unique experience of being aromantic/aro-spec.

I don't label my past emotional attractions as crushes anymore, because of the strong feelings of only wanting to hang out with the people I quote unquote liked, being the main factor as to why I don't label them as such. But, my not-really-having-crushes-or-experiencing-romantic-attraction-at-all has only happened recently these 4-5 years, and made me realize that my past attractions may not have been as romantic as I initially thought, plus most of the time, when I was very little, either I was un-knowingly "dating" someone because they confessed they liked me and so boom! that totally means we're dating now, or I only said I was "dating" someone because I found them cool, felt that strong emotional pull towards them, and because "dating was just like in the movies."

What made me initially question if I was aromantic was when I realized that I hadn't had a "crush" in years.

Now I've realized that my "crushes" actually weren't such, but my strong emotional infatuation/alterous attraction towards people has literally not happened in nearly 6 years, and when I feel like a mesh is coming on it goes away real fast.

On 5/2/2023 at 9:17 AM, DreamXD said:

ive never had a crush and never will

 

 

 

wait do fictional crushes count?

I have felt more attraction towards fictional characters than I ever did with real life people. I mean, yeah feel sexual attraction towards real life people, and then towards fictional characters I find attractive, but I only ever fantasize myself in romantic relationships with fictional characters. Though, I would not say I'm fictoromantic, because it's not that I feel like I have a crush on any fictional character, and more often than not I usually don't keep up the romantic-relationship-with-this-character-I'm-hyperfixated-on for long because I usually place my aromanticism into it as well. Some of this may be neurodivergency as well, for me, since I am neurodivergent (I'm not saying that this is the case for everybody), because of how absorbed I can get into the fandom as a whole, that the character belongs to.

10 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

Yeah, the main concern with being aroace for me is “oh crap I’m gonna have to explain this every time I’m asked if I’m in a relationship.” Even though I know I could come up with something more like “nah, I don’t really want a relationship”, it still just sounds like something that’d be easier to just explain and then be done. 

That's definitely how I'm gonna be with explaining my aromanticism when I do start going to college, because my mom will be asking me if I'm seeing anyone smh, and that would be my coming out basically. Because the "I'm focused on my studies" can only be my excuse for so long lmao