ApeironStella

I ended up buying a copy of Alice Oseman's Loveless (it wasn't available in my country before on Kindle) and I just started reading it.

I hate how my kneejerk reaction to seeing a canon aroace protag in a story and seeing the hints to her identity even from the start with how relatable her experience is- that there is a chapter titled "Aromantic Asexual" later on makes me feel dread due to being around for the all the "ace diskhorse" shit as I was a teen newly learning about being an ace and aro at the time, that how much of their bs I internalized and don't even realize having internalized it until I see anyone seriously tackle these identities seriously in fiction.

I hate that I feel guilt, embarrassment, that I have the comments on how pointless and unnecessary it is to write about something like that, that it is all just some fake exaggeration and that it is a story no one would want to read, that it is catering to just some egoistical snowflake wannabes going over in my mind the entire time before I need to take a break.

I hate that I can't simply enjoy aspec media without these sorts of feelings coming to front of my mind and sending me down a rabbit hole of internalized aphobia/self hatred I never even realized I had to address and was there as a consequence of those years, despite how much I crave stories like that and to see that representation, given all the comments on "stealing representation/resources" arguments over the years made their dent on me on the topic...

Sorry for a downer vent, I just hate everything about what went down at that time and I don't think I ever will forgive the people who actively flamed that fire by sock puppet accounts etc- despite not wanting to wish ill on anyone, I despise it all and the harm they caused to me and many others.