Untamed Heart

Hello

Someone I know was sexually abused. I just shake the question of why anyone would be possessed to do that; to cause so much damage.

Is it OK to use Google to find a local counsellor, or is it better through the doctor? I only asked if I could borrow the phone to ring one I'd emailed and got an inquisition from mum (not telling her why I want to go, though).

I dropped my phone today, and it's broken 

I feel like Aroca would be the perfect place to test people for colourblindness. There's literally like every shade of green being used.

Feeling like a ridiculous mess right now, as I was thinking about my ex and got hit out of nowhere by an absolute sledgehammer of emotion.

The ex I didn't get attached to and couldn't even be proper friends with after I let him go, because it felt so forced for me and I knew it wasn't fair on either of us to keep going, in either the relationship or friendship afterwards.

I was beyond ready to leave, almost numb, when I ended things, but later on felt like I could have, maybe should have done more, because I felt bad for hurting him like I did. I wanted to take my text back after I sent it, saying I needed to talk to him that Friday the 13th (to break up with him), but I couldn't see any other way forward. Not sending the text that day would have only been delaying the inevitable.

When I saw him at the art group in the weeks after that, I felt either indifferent towards him or like I'd made a mistake, but I didn't say anything as I knew it wouldn't do any good, and even if I'd felt like things would have been different, I didn't want to mess him around. I let him go so he could find someone who could return his love better than I could.

I had considered counselling or something, but they can't help manufacture feelings out of anxiety and vagueness, and I felt afraid of telling people how I felt because I thought they'd just say, let him go anyway, you're obviously not into him and it's not fair to 'lead him on', or even ask why I got with him if I'd felt like this might happen.

I feel like I was selfish, even though we both liked each other and I just wanted to give him a chance at the time. I'd been single through choice for the best part of 10 years, hadn't even been looking for anyone and thought it might be better this time. It was nice to start with, after a few 'blips' on my part, then just started going downhill. I was super excited for our first date, then felt like dying on the day and nothing had changed in the meantime to cause that. 

I tried so hard to hold on, and did a lot of ridiculous, ineffectual things to try and trick my brain into just letting me feel something again, hoping my feelings might come back and stick around for once. I did have a few brief moments (from a few minutes, maybe up to an hour or two) of feeling that kind of warmth and happiness I'm under the impression you're supposed to feel in a new relationship, in between the wtf-ness. It was something I hadn't really felt before with anyone else, but the rest of the time was kinda horrible but I tried to ignore it . I should have left before I did, not waited to see if my feelings somehow came 'right'. I didn't understand what was wrong and everything was freaking me out, but I really shouldn't have dragged it out like I did.

I guess I probably should see a counsellor anyway. I broke up with him 8 months ago, haven't even spoken to him since sometime after I sent him my coming out letter, though I think about him now and again and hope he'll be OK. I shouldn't feel this way.

It's OK if nobody knows how to respond to this - I don't mind. I know it looks dramatic and attention seeking, but I couldn't keep it in once I started typing and it wasn't meant to be this long either. I am hurting inside, but I will be OK in time.

You've already helped me a lot, and I'm so grateful for that you don't even know. 

Watching the inauguration in French. I nearly burst into tears when he was sworn in

I've been thinking of writing a story centered primarily around the aromanticism and asexuality spectrum. Possibly a short-storied anthology or a full story. Maybe upload it on Swoon Reads and see what happens.

That's if I have the time to conceptualize and work on it with all of the work and the upcoming huge family event I have within the next-four months

I've been thinking of writing a story centered primarily around the aromanticism and asexuality spectrum. Possibly a short-storied anthology or a full story. Maybe upload it on Swoon Reads and see what happens.

That's if I have the time to conceptualize and work on it with all of the work and the upcoming huge family event I have within the next-four months

I got four aro pride wear things for Chirstmas Eve (and one ace shirt) and I'm really happy that my mom and grandma are coming around to it and I will post pictures later and YAY

Person on a game starts calling me a 'fake boy' because I play a male character and heard me complaining about my grandfather wanting me to be ladylike. So he starts going off on me because wow, he feels so betrayed that this person he thought was a guy wasn't a guy, and annoyingly enough I crash before I can say much or block him or whatever.

When I log back on I see a bunch of other people in the chat arguing with him about how backwards he's being. So that was some holiday niceness. Merry Christmas!

Looks like this'll be our first Christmas eve celebrating while in the middle of an incoming typhoon

*Gets a wishlist gift registry out of curiosity; fills it with video games, an iPod, cake earrings, cake mix, kitchenware and bakeware*

Knitting an aro flag inspired scarf :3

Knitting an aro flag inspired scarf :3

What does "Days Won" on my profile page mean?

What does "Days Won" on my profile page mean?

Sometimes I feel like I'm some kind of feral human being, self isolating so much it's getting harder to be around most other people that long without getting restless, tired, agitated or bored and wanting to crawl back under my rock to recharge. And when anyone suggests the possibility of just not having met the right person, it feels like they're trying to lure me into some kind of trap, even though it's usually well meaning.

On the one hand, I can't deny it's possible, but on the other, I feel I may be too apathetic about socialising/the prospect of a potential (but unlikely) 'bolt from the blue' type romo to bother changing. It's not even a wholly realistic scenario either, as it is based on idealising another person, putting them on a pedestal until the hormonal fog wears off, but I'm not going to go out looking specifically and I'd be happier not to meet anyone who struck me that way. If real life were more like Disney, it might be different though.

I was fairly happy at first in my last relationship (once the initial depression lifted), but not exponentially happier than I was as a long term singleton.

Also I'm still weirdly nostalgic about being with him, though even after 3 months it felt horrible and almost as meaningless as previous relationships. I feel like I've been following him walking away from a distance, picking up the pieces of his broken heart and putting them in a box for preservation.  

Sometimes I feel like I'm some kind of feral human being, self isolating so much it's getting harder to be around most other people that long without getting restless, tired, agitated or bored and wanting to crawl back under my rock to recharge. And when anyone suggests the possibility of just not having met the right person, it feels like they're trying to lure me into some kind of trap, even though it's usually well meaning.

On the one hand, I can't deny it's possible, but on the other, I feel I may be too apathetic about socialising/the prospect of a potential (but unlikely) 'bolt from the blue' type romo to bother changing. It's not even a wholly realistic scenario either, as it is based on idealising another person, putting them on a pedestal until the hormonal fog wears off, but I'm not going to go out looking specifically and I'd be happier not to meet anyone who struck me that way. If real life were more like Disney, it might be different though.

I was fairly happy at first in my last relationship (once the initial depression lifted), but not exponentially happier than I was as a long term singleton.

Also I'm still weirdly nostalgic about being with him, though even after 3 months it felt horrible and almost as meaningless as previous relationships. I feel like I've been following him walking away from a distance, picking up the pieces of his broken heart and putting them in a box for preservation.  

Also, I went to the knitting shop after work and found a ball of yarn with all the aromantic flag colours in it  (I bought it too)