NullVector
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Cool thread!
Reading through all this has motivated me to pull a few different people's thoughts together and offer up my own perspective.
On 9/1/2016 at 7:21 PM, LunarSeas said:Yeah, I didn't even know romantic orientations were considered a thing until I made some asexual/graysexual friends through my online spiritual communities. Being heterosexual also gives me a huge feeling of "outsider" to the lgbtq community, not just because there are actual people within that community that deny I exist, but, well, I've considered myself "straight" my whole life. So my context for this is really different from others I've read.
I've always had lgbtq friends, so I being part of the community would seem natural for me, but the aro hate I've seen.....it makes me nervous to go on and ID as any kind of queer - though in the plainest sense of the word, I am.
If I want to have any sexual or sensual contact in the future, and I do, I'll have to talk to whoever I want that with. This will need to come up. And while I know there are some guys who are truly ok with "casual sex" (not just say they are), I also want to be treated with respect, not like a slut. And that's exceedingly rare.
On 9/4/2016 at 4:39 PM, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:I guess, for me I want a platonic companion who lives with me, more like a partner than a friend. but, for others, someone who is kind of, important as a long-term friend, but who lives apart. A companion/partner/qpr who, well, they have sex together, and probably spend time together as friends too, but they aren't "really" partners. and I'm sure there are many other ways to establish long-term trusting sexual relationships without it being so dedicated on the partnership end of the bargain.
On 10/29/2016 at 11:52 PM, Cassiopeia said:Coming out as alloaro is hard, because people have some very negative stereotypes. Talking about the kind of relationships we (would like to) have is also hard, because of the same stereotypes.
Male heterosexual & suspected aro-spec-something-or-other here! I think the negative stereotypes @Cassiopeia mentioned re. the types of relationships @LunarSeas and @cute kitty Meow! Mewo! mention above are very real.
I'm thinking recently that maybe what I'd find desirable is some form of sexual-close-friendship type of relationship (friendship++ if you like), but one where the sex is seen as an expression of the friendship (rather then the 'friendship' being seen as secondary to the sex, or as a kind of 'ruse' to get it - which is a negative stereotype often applied to heterosexual men, perhaps). And I'd want us to have established trust and some level of deeper emotional intimacy beforehand. But I wouldn't want all the assumptions of a 'package deal' that go along with any longer term sexual relationship (i.e. one where you actually feel strong bonds of companionship with the other person and care about their happiness, as opposed to something more 'disposable'). Assumptions like (as others have mentioned): if we're having sex then we should also be living together. If we're living together, we should also be sharing a bedroom together. Etc. (as in: why should the person you're living with, sleeping with, best friends with, raising kids with, etc, all have to be the same person? Isn't that a lot to expect from just one relationship? If it works for you, then great, but surely there should be other options as well...)
It strikes me that the paragraph above is basically invisible as a choice for a relationship archetype within this society. I hadn't occurred to me until recently (reading stuff on here, etc.) that it was even an option to choose a relationship along the lines I've just outlined. Probably why I've subconsciously avoided pursuing relationships to a very large extent! This 'amatonormativity' thing makes it essentially all-or-nothing - you either get to choose the entire 'package deal' of absolutely everything with one person (sex, your closest friendship, co-habitation, childrearing, etc.) or, in the case where you want the sex, but not necessarily one or more of the other things with the one person, you can choose sex where the other person and the relationship surrounding the sex is seen as largely disposable and/or unimportant to you. If you're female and choose the latter option you'll be stereotyped as a "slut" and, if you're male, as a "player" (eww! as a hetero guy I would not see this as at all complimentary, it would actually make me very uncomfortable!). And in both cases you'll be seen as "immature".
How to ask for what I think I actually want, in a social context where it is largely invisible and there seem to be few if any positive role models to emulate, feels like a fucking minefield right now. One I have little idea how to even begin navigating
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What You Thought You Were Before You Identified as Arospec
in Aromantic Discussion
Posted
So much relatable stuff on this thread!
To answer OP's question, I guess at various points I've thought I was:
Well, maybe I still think some of the above
I'm still figuring this thing out after all...
I'm wondering if this is something anyone else has done: inventing bullshit rationalizations for why you could never pursue a romantic relationship with somebody? (y'know, when it seemed like it might be an actual possibility) As is: well, I like this person, they are single, but there is REASON X which means it would be a VERY BAD IDEA. And at the time, REASON X seemed like an oh-so-logical reason, highlighting some fundamental incompatibility between us that could just never be bridged. But, looking back now with 20/20 hindsight, it was actually something incredibly trivial!
Anybody else ever been 'played' like that by their own subconscious?!