TripleA

So, I've made a few 'memes' that have helped me and thought could help you guys figure out your orientation. There are three links, which take you to my posts on the AroAce United Amino.

Attraction Scales: https://aminoapps.com/c/aroaceunited/page/blog/attraction-scales/lq4e_l6UQu8V0R4VJGEbqj3pW3zo35Vno

Attraction Scales 2: https://aminoapps.com/c/aroaceunited/page/blog/attraction-scales-2/4EKB_k7iYuboemwJ5bZbeLPKGE1KNZkqJr

TLDR - All you have to do is mark on the scale how often you experience 5 types of attraction: sexual, romantic, aesthetic, sensual and alterous. The 2nd Attraction Scales further breaks it down into how often you experience these attractions between men and women. 

Romantic Checklist: https://aminoapps.com/c/aroaceunited/page/blog/romantic-checklist/xBZ0_vLf2ux13bPpQMJGvRZqaqnEPg3vzq

TLDR - you answer whether you'd either say yes, no, maybe or I don't know to 22 activities that are seen as 'romantic'.

Feel free to use these to help you, or not. I haven't done the Romantic Checklist one myself yet!

Welcome, I hope you have a great time here ^.^

So I was doing a couple surveys and saw the word, 'Polyaffectionate' come up, after seeing 'Polyamourous' - obviously I wouldn't be Polyamourous because I don't want a romantic relationship, I don't mind having multiple qpp/other partnerships/friends with benefits however. I am not sure whether Polyaffectionate means you are okay with sensual stuff with multiple people or not, can someone explain it to me?

Just warning you lot, this will be long, but I'd appreciate it if you read this all the way through - maybe get a drink and a snack!

So, I currently have some alterous feelings for a woman (which is actually not too common for me), and so I don't see her in a romantic or sexual light - I mean, she's very attractive, and if she wanted to have sex with me, I would definitely oblige, but I never really thought the usual 'she's fit' until my mum tried to assume I was only sexually attracted to her (which isn't unusual for me, I'm open with my homosexuality), I was actually just telling her how kind and nice this woman was. I've had 2 friends think that I love this woman romantically, because I'm so attached to her, but I'm not sure.

To give a bit of context, she's probably in her mid to late twenties (I've never asked her age), has just had a child with her boyfriend, and she works at this restaurant I go to often of which her mother also works at. I'll just call her A. 

So, I believe my alterous feelings started becoming prevalent after a month or so (So around November time last year) of going there and talking with A; usually the restaurant didn't have that many people, and so we would talk about our lives and such, like how good friends do. I always feel comfortable whenever I'm there, and I feel that I do care about A a lot. For example, while she were pregnant, I saw that she was still smoking, and I shared my concern with her (whilst being polite and establishing that she was a grown woman who can choose what to do with her body), and made sure she knew about the risks and stuff, and she took it really well, and she assured me that she knew about it. I also sometimes offer to help if either A or her mother were struggling with something e.g. if they'd just received some bags of food to use in the kitchen. 

Now, I do have some 'symptoms' of a typical romantic crush, and I don't know if anyone else with alterous crushes/squishes experience these as well, and those are that I think about A a lot, she's frequently on my mind and I talk about her a lot (not in great detail but I'm sure one or two people have noticed), and I also have had a few times where I'd feel nervous and have second thoughts about going in the restaurant (part of this was due to the fact that they don't have any open/closed signs and it took me some time to recognise when the place was open and closed). I felt like I would be bothering people or I'd be nervous around A, despite nothing bad happening between us; I see us as good friends, but she probably just sees me as a nice, regular customer who likes her and her mother's food. Now, I don't get nervous at all, and I always feel happy and confident when I see A. I don't see her as often because she has been looking after her baby, but I do see her enough, and I sometimes ask her mother about how she and the baby are doing, and nothing bad as of yet. However, as with all the 'crushes' I've had, I never got jealous or upset when I found out she had a boyfriend, like I was just like "eh, oh well", and got over it. I am perfectly fine with being good friends with her, if that would develop into a stronger friendship or not. The friendzone doesn't really bother me, I'm not a jealous person.

Now, with my last alterous crush (which was like 5-6 years ago) I was very much okay with opening up emotionally with her. With A, whilst I haven't I said a lot about my problems in life (I've had worse mental health problems since January this year), I have been honest about not feeling too great a few times, and I have openly cried in her presence when I was really struggling, and she and her mother left me to it (which I'm grateful for). My feelings for A became even more prevalent (to the point I started wondering what sort of connection I had with her) when I started to have worse anxiety and depression, and this is a common trend with my alterous crushes (well, out of the maybe 2/3 I've had).

I also started questioning my romantic orientation in January, so this somewhat makes sense, as I have gone through all the 'crushes' I had or all of the women I've felt somewhat strongly for and questioned whether I had any romantic feelings or desires or not. As for A, I haven't really. I once dreamt that she was asking me what to call her (so we had somehow started a secret relationship or something), and I remember being very surprised in the dream and after waking up from it.

Do I find her aesthetically attractive? Yes, definitely, I am very into older women, much more than those my age. Sexually attractive? No, but I wouldn't turn down sex with her for a second, after all she's the type of woman I usually like sexually. Do I want affection from her? Not really, but I don't like touch most of the time anyway, I don't think I've known her long enough to feel comfortable with that. Maybe I'd feel okay with a hug if I knew about it, like with most people I am friends with. Do I think she's cute? YES. She's so cute when she smiles or giggles, and she looks cute in general (like aesthetically) - which I guess could be seen as a romantic thing, but it's like when I find my pets cute, if that makes sense. Am I romantically attracted to her? Well, I don't know, I never thought of wanting to be her partner, and knowing she's in a relationship may be a part of that. If she were single (and at least bi), then maybe I would want something like a QPR or a close friendship, I only think of us as good friends, as I said earlier. 

That's all I'm gonna write, ask me to explain anything you don't fully understand XD

22 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

I think I said it before, but follow in this logic, the grey area should be it's own thing because the way they feel romantic attraction is very different from alloromantics. And if they were not, there would not be a word.

Also, if romantic attraction is on a spectrum, the spectrum goes from aro to allo; and when we use arospec, we talk about the people who are at the extremity or near to the extremity of this spectrum. See what I mean? Aromantic are not apart,  they are on the spectrum as well. And arospec may not be the best word, but it describes our community as a while : aro and grey.

saying that aromantics can experience romantic attraction at all is contradictory to the definition of the word. You either have romantic attraction or you don't have any. And not every alloromantic falls in love all the time, that's unrealistic. Many allos can relate to being grey or demi romantic, because they also experience romantic attraction less frequently.

If you experience any romantic attraction, no matter now often or under what circumstances you experience it, you're alloromantic, whether that's just homoromantic, biromantic, etc. or you are demi heteroromantic or grey biromantic, etc. Why would grey and demi romantics have to add an alloromantic orientation beside their grey or demi label so it makes sense? Because they're still alloromantic. 

On 9/2/2019 at 1:35 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 

I'll get off your case when you stop trying to define how "allo" or "aro" people are without having been invited to. No one can define their orientations but themselves, and I know that a lot of arospecs actually do not feel welcome in the aro community because of people like you- People who tell them "Oh, actually you're just allo" or "Oh, you're aro now/you've always been aro and just had internalized arophobia". It is our job to make these people feel welcome and to feel accepted for who they are, and make them feel like they can define their own lives, without trying to police their identities and categorize people for them. Knock. It. Off.

ever heard of free speech? 

On 9/2/2019 at 1:52 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 

How can you claim you're not trying to make people feel unwelcome, while simultaneously saying their identities don't exist?

I think you need to read what he said again, I haven't seen any point where he invalidates being grey or demi romantic - hell he has labelled himself as greyromantic before. I'll use an example to help explain:

It's like when I say depression (as in the mental illness) is not a disability, it's obviously still valid and one of the most common mental illnesses, but it is not the same as a disability. 

On 9/2/2019 at 12:48 PM, raavenb2619 said:

It’s good that you’ve been listening. (I don’t have any evidence that this is actually true, but it can be hard in general sometimes to prove that a statement like this is true, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.) But that still doesn’t give you the right to identity policing. That’s why everyone is unhappy with you, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I’d appreciate if you apologized for the policing, and then stopped policing people. 

Actually I think he is completely within his right to state his opinion on the matter, to me he has not been disrespectful. Policing someone and sharing an opinion are not the same thing.

To answer the question at hand, I don't use the term a-spec or aro-spec because I don't subscribe to the idea that aromanticism is on a spectrum, same with asexuality. I've most often seen a-spec being used, however, for asexuals and aromantics, and both of those "spectrums". I just say aromantics (or aros) and asexuals (or aces). Using a term to refer to asexuality and aromanticism may confuse people, and they should be separated to "ace-spec" and "aro-spec" if you believe they are on "spectrums"

On 8/29/2019 at 2:07 AM, Star Lion said:

Still wish we didn’t call this a “spectrum.” Homo oriented people don’t call themselves a spectrum and neither do straight people so it makes sense for us to follow the same trend

I agree

On 9/2/2019 at 6:42 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 

In fact, in many ways they are! Do a little research into the subject yourself. I say this as someone with at least two mental illnesses, both of which have changed classification several times over the course of my lifetime.

I'm autistic and I take offense to that. Autism is not a social construct; it may cause issues in social interaction, but it's a condition you are born with. Neither are other mental or physical disabilities. Also mental illness and mental disability are not the same thing. 

On 8/31/2019 at 3:24 PM, nonmerci said:

Then where do you place greyromanticism, demiromanticism, and everything in the gray are? Do you think gray is alloromantic?

 

 

I also see the term analterous, which has the a- prefixe. And I think it shares things in common with aromanticism and asexuality, like being define by an absence.

grey and demi are still alloromantic because grey and demi romantics still experience romantic attraction just like alloromantics

On 9/2/2019 at 1:52 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 

How can you claim you're not trying to make people feel unwelcome, while simultaneously saying their identities don't exist?

no one is saying that greyromanticism or demiromanticism don't exist; they're valid. All we're saying is that demi and greyromantics are still alloromantic - that's not the same as saying they don't exist. 

1 hour ago, YXSHINN said:

Earlier this week I went online, trying to figure out what I really want out of a friendship/relationship and then I came across this term.

 

Romantic friendship (n.)

 

The term romantic friendship refers to a very close but non-sexual relationship between friends, often involving a degree of physical closeness beyond that which is common in the contemporary Western societies, and may include for example holding hands, hugging, kissing, and sharing a bed. The term was coined in the later 20th century in order to retrospectively describe a type of relationship which until the mid 19th century had been considered unremarkable but since the second half of the 19th century had become more rare as physical intimacy between non-sexual partners came to be regarded with anxiety.

 

Sounds like what I want (maybe minus the kissing), however the only issue I have with this is literally the term itself. Is that just me?

 

 

This is what I want too, except with some sexual aspect to it. 

1 hour ago, YXSHINN said:

Like, "romantic friendship," huh?

 

In that sense, I could see why people would prefer QPR over romantic friendships, because I'd do that too. I'd just call it a intimate/close friendship. It is something more, but nothing less.

 

So my questions are:

 

1. What do you think of this term? Do you think it conforms to amatonormativity?

 

2. What do you consider as platonic gestures? Or do you think the intention behind it matters the most? (Please list a ton, if you like.)

 

3. And lastly, what do you think of my thoughts on myself? Do you think it's possible to identify as sapphic and aroace at the same time? (Not romantically, just when talking about alterous attraction...)

 

Please be as honest as possible, I'm trying to gain some good knowledge and maybe get a discussion going?

 

Thanks in advance~!

 

 

Yeah, I think it conforms to ananormativity, and it's just confusing to me. I think hugging is a very platonic gesture and maybe high fives, but I think some good friends cuddle and it's not romantic. Kissing and holding hands, I'm not sure, it depends on the intent in a way. I don't like touch unless it's an occasional hug from a good friend, it's my family or it's my 'partner'

On 8/23/2019 at 5:34 PM, Chibi Sam Winchester said:

Wait is this a thing?? I knew a black ring was for ace and sort of for aspec in general but I never knew the white ring was for aro. I rlly like that suggestion

I have an aro ring as well

For me, I've always been more neutral or indifferent, but sometimes I'm more negative/repulsed. Like holding hands with someone in that way makes my skin crawl, and I get freaked out a lot when someone asks me out or has a crush on me, and I cannot speak to them at all. I also like reading romantic stuff but only if it's gay and it's well written, I mainly watch romcoms for the comedy and not the romance at all, for example. I've noticed it more this year as I've been questioning my romantic orientation. I remember being asked out for the first time and I immediately said no, even though I was sad that no one liked me (bc the other girls went on dates and I didn't want to be left out), and I also remember always being asked to marry this one boy all the time at age 7, and it felt so uncomfortable - part of it was because I've always disliked boys in that way, even before I liked girls, but I've just realised whilst writing this that maybe this could also be an early sign of romance repulsion. I don't know. 

Are there any Aro related channels or Aromantic creators on YouTube you'd recommend?

Personally, I do use SAM as usually Aromantics are always seen as also Asexual, and my lesbianism is very prominent when it comes to my different attractions (besides romantic). Since, I'm not out to many people as Aro, I'm still questioning, I do usually just say I'm Gay/Lesbian, but besides that I always say I'm an Aromantic Lesbian or Aromantic Homosexual for extra clarification (I've gotten comments from a couple confused people thinking I was saying I was Aromantic and Homoromantic). I do, of course, usually say I'm questioning too.

On 9/21/2018 at 8:26 PM, Guest 9367b...ec6 said:

i'm an aro cis girl and last night i stayed up super late looking at lesbian blogs on tumblr and seeing if i could relate to how they felt about girls. aside from loving and admiring girls on a platonic/girl power/kinship level, i just couldn't. the only parts i could relate to where the posts about compulsory heterosexuality/romanticism where there were lesbians talking about how they fear being attracted to men. except for me i feel that with everyone, not just men. 

 

it made me sad bc sometimes i wish i was gay so i could feel less alone. the gay community seems so vibrant and fun and proud and not to say that the aro community isn't but since hardly anyone knows about us it's just different and its own type of struggle. 

 

i guess i just need to work on accepting myself as aro and know that it is okay, and i am not alone. but it's hard. 

Anonymous poster hash: 9367b...ec6

YES I DO. 

I mean it makes sense for me because I'm homosexual, homosensual and homoalterous, so I'm already lesbian. 

So, I've always been somewhat touch averse, unless I'm with family or very close friends. For example, I only accept hugs if I am asked first or if I initiate it (say if a friend of mine was upset and I wanted to comfort them). This is related to my Autism, and also trust issues, but mostly autism. Saying that, I do experience longing for affection strongly with women at times, and I've been experiencing this for 2 years or so. In terms of having a partner, I want to cuddle but I do not want to hold hands. I do want to kiss, but I cannot see myself doing it outside of a sexual context (btw I'm homosexual).

So, whilst I don't use microlabels and I only label my sensual orientation when in aro/ace spaces, maybe something like demihomosensual would make sense for me? Can you combine demi like with sexual orientations? 

On 7/14/2019 at 12:35 PM, Cristal Gris said:

Can I ask about mental illness? Where do it go (if it even fit in the list) . Because peoples can't agree on that it seem. Sometime they say it's a neurodivergeance, sometime not so i want to ask you what you think about it. (i mean… i can be healed and it's actually an illness, so…it is really a neurodivergeance?). And sometime they say it's a disability. Idk

I don't personally like to conflate mental illness with neurodivergence since it's different to have Autism for example than it is to have anxiety, it also waters down just how much neurological disabilities can affect those who live with them beyond their mental health. 

I have Autism. I do believe that it does play a role in my lack of understanding when it comes to romantic attraction, and it does for autistic alloromantics as well I'm sure. I also think that some autistic asexuals may feel this way about sexual attraction. I also have trouble making friends, am touch averse (unless I really trust you), and I do get more stressed when I'm not alone. 

I've been through many labels before I realised I was lesbian (homosexual) for sure at 15, but I was questioning on and off for 2 years or so. I discovered it later because I didn't develop sexual attraction until I was 14, nearly 15 - definitely 15, before then I labelled myself as Asexual and I knew it was a temporary label (I have video evidence of me admitting this).

I just assumed that I loved girls romantically as well because I didn't know that romantic attraction could be separated from each other, or that Aromanticism existed (I didn't believe in Asexuality for a while bc I thought they were all just young kids who hadn't developed yet like myself). I learned about romantic orientations at some point last year, but it wasn't until I started looking into Aromanticism in the beginning of this year (info about it usually comes alongside info about Asexuality so it was probably something like that) that I began questioning my romantic orientation. I am still unsure about it.

I do see my lesbianism and possible aromanticism as separate things since they're nothing like. However, saying that, I do desire companionship, some affection and an emotional connection with girls only, I only ever have alterous, sensual and sexual attraction to girls, so in a few ways my lesbianism is always quite present. 

On 9/22/2019 at 11:42 AM, aro_elise said:

i call myself straight, like in my head, but i'm hesitant to say it to others.  my friend--the only person irl who has my permission to call me straight--has called me "straight but not" as well as "queer".  she's gay btw.  i'd be interested to hear whether any aros have the same problems with terms like gay, lesbian, bi, or pan.

I tend to feel that I am not 100 percent lesbian because I don't really experience romantic attraction to girls like other lesbians do; I'm not out to many people (only 2), so idk what people would think about it. I mean being Aromantic is Queer by definition, since it's very different from the norm.

On 9/21/2019 at 12:05 PM, Philotes said:

I have had the same as you, but with a guy. I was also always in awe of how beautiful he was (he is still the most gorgeous person I have ever laid eyes on) and I enjoyed being around him. I am still questioning my romatic orientation but I think I am lithromantic, which could explain the maybe crush I had on this guy. I dont know where you are on the spectrum, but perhaps lithromantic could explain your feelings. 

I'm not sure if the term would apply to me that much; I do remember wanting to be in a relationship with her, but I think I only thought that way because I associated any strong feelings for someone to be a crush and that I would want to date them, even if I didn't really. Maybe the idea of a relationship with her did entertain me somewhat, but I never thought about going through with it, I mean I class romantic attraction as something like "to desire a romantic relationship or to do romantic things with someone". 

So, I can pretty much such that I've never had a proper crush...

Well, almost. 

There's this one "crush" I had when I was 14/15 that I'm still a bit confused about. 

So there was this girl in my Media class who I will call G. I remember always admiring how beautiful she was whenever I was around her, and maybe a couple times not around her too. I also remember wanting to talk to her and to connect with her in some way, she was nice.

I was nervous around her, but maybe that's because she was so pretty, and I was a special needs kid at school like this girl was out of my league. I get nervous around girls. 

Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I ever thought about her that much...again I got over her quickly whenever this all stopped. 

Oh yeah, I never felt anything sexual, or that sensual for some reason (I guess my sexual attraction was still not there yet or something)

I think there is definitely aesthetic attraction though, I'm thinking it's either a squish or a crush but I really don't know. I'm confused. 

On 8/4/2019 at 3:07 AM, Chemgirl said:

So I'm fairly new to identifying as alloaromantic and I wanted to ask if it was normal to have squishes on both sexes? Even though I'm only sexually attracted to men, almost all of my squishes have been on women. 

Alloaromantic? What? You Aro or Allo?

I've wanted sex and companionship for about 2 years now, but never wanted romance specifically. I do wish that I wasn't aro sometimes, because it would be easier for me to find a partner. I was in a relationship and it really made me feel uneasy, so I called it off. I sometimes get annoyed with romance and bad cliches in media, and a bit repulsed, but I'm mostly indifferent.

Personally, I see it as sexual and/or sensual for me. It doesn't have to be sexual or romantic, it depends on how you view it yourself. I'm sure some allos also don't like kissing that much either, if they find it sexual, romantic or not. 

I've seen many alloromantics get jealous when they find out that their crush is with someone else, are there people who don't get bothered about it as much and just get over it, like I do? How about a breakup? Are all allos just really, really sad and stuff when they breakup with someone and find it hard to get over someone?

When I am interested in someone for companionship or find her sexually attractive, I may get a bit bummed out if she is with someone, but I get over people really quickly, almost unnaturally so. I remember how I got over a woman I had alterous feelings too pretty quick, and people at school were quite shocked, as if they expected that I romantically loved her a lot and could never let her go, but I just was like, eh. I still missed her, but I don't think I cried or got sad that much when she left. I did a little bit beforehand, though.

So, I think this could most likely be another instance of me having alterous attraction, but idk.

So there is this older woman I am fairly acquainted with; I would guess between 22-27. She runs a restaurant, which I've eaten at quite a lot since October last year. I went there a lot during a darker time mentally from January to April of this year, and I still go there fairly often (It's still the first place I go to eat). This woman is Polish, but speaks good English, so we talked a lot about not being from the town, and we told each other some parts about our lives. I like knowing about different cultures, and stuff, and she was always very kind to me. The food was also good, and it wasn't too crowded as well, which helped a lot when going there (this is why I first went in in the first place). 

After a little while, I began to have her on my mind sometimes, and that grew to pretty often, yet I never imagined us in any relationship other than in a platonic one. One time, I did have a weird dream, where she asked me what I should call her in terms of a relationship, but I remember being a bit surprised, because she's most likely straight and has a boyfriend, who she's just had a kid with (the baby is very cute btw, I love young children ^.^). I mean, once she told me she were pregnant, I already knew she would have had a boyfriend or something, and I was right. When I found out she has a bf for sure, I was never really jealous, and I never am when I have a sexual interest in a woman, (If it's a sexual interest, I may be a bit bummed, but I get over it pretty quickly), and I am pretty good at getting over women. Last time I had alterous attraction for a woman, it was really intense (I thought I'd loved her for a while before discovering alterous attraction and realising that I never wanted anything sexual or romantic with her at all, it never crossed my mind (I hadn't experienced sexual attraction by then, but did start to see my lack of straightness, so to say).

When I am around her, and in the restaurant in general since there are other nice people who come in, I feel pretty relaxed, and being there helps me feel better. Partly because of her and her friends and family who go there, and the atmosphere and quietness of the place. Finding less crowded, noisy places is very important to me because too many crowds and noise makes go into sensory overload and causes panic attacks or meltdowns sometimes. 

However, I have been quite nervous and taking a long time before going in sometimes, partly because there is no open/closed sign on the door, and never am completely sure if it's open except if the lights are on, and also because I may feel like a bother to them. I am indecisive anyway, and I get paranoid a lot as well, however I've not felt this as much as of recently, and have gotten to know when it's open or closed and stuff like that, I've relaxed a bit (my better mental state also helps, I think).

When I told my 5 day long girlfriend about this, she thought I was in love with her, when I just said I got attached to older women easily (which is true). As I've said, I think I just have intense alterous feelings or a squish maybe, but tell me what you think. I am happy with just being friends with her.

I have one pride flag bc I'm gay and I sewed the aro flag on my glasses case

it's working now, thank you