I'm confused (long story, I warm you)

[CORALINE]

Okay so, before starting: I've always suspected to be aromantic, I found out this romantic orientation exists in 2021 and since then I've defined myself like this, it perfectly sums up my vision and approach to romantic love: never felt the need or desire to have a relationship, I value friendship way more than it.

Now. I'm in a sort 9f situationship that started 6 months ago. I met a guy that I immediately liked as a person, we get along very well because we have a similar vision of the world, same sense of humor and we can talk and joke and tell serious and deep thoughts to each other. I saw him as a friend since day 1, but after some days he started flirting more openly with me. See, I was the first one to hug you after some deep conversations we had, but it was completely innocent, I like physical contact with my friends, I didn't think he could have a crush for me.

One day he kissed me, I was so embarrassed mostly because I never experienced it before (I always run away when someone shows romantic interest to me), I was shaking but also curious, so I decided to try - I didn't feel a strong attraction to him, but he's nice and not ugly at all, I was attracted enough to not feeling disgusted.

We slowly became friends with benefits, he's always been very patient with me to make me explore and discover this new shade of me, very very tender and understanding.

I initially kept to see him as a friend, a very close and precious friend, but after some ups and downs... I got really attached to him, we're living a sort of open relationship. I mean, I don't feel the urge to see him that often but I sometimes like to cuddle him and be cuddled, hugs and tender kisses (not a French kisses fan tough, but neither is him), I even said him I love him spontaneously in a passionate moment (idk maybe it was a mistake??) but I'm not sure I feel it in a romantic way. I think his feelings for me are stronger and more intense as what I feel for him, I love to take care of him but in a really innocent way, I don't feel the need to do couple-coded things such as have dinner outside together or leaving for weekends all alone far from everyone.

And then there's the label. Yes, because he has his own insecurities and fragilities, he really would the "relationship label", to say I'm officially his girlfriend and he's my boyfriend 'cause he needs this "safe zone", nevermind if it's an open relationship but anyway a RELATIONSHIP. And every time I think about it I feel sick in the stomach, I just CAN'T. My mind can't process the fact I have a boyfriend, I actually don't really want it!!! Yes this was my first experience so I decided to live it fully and see what would've happened, I ended up like this but in the end I feel so uncomfortable in a relationship, it's not what I wanted and I don't see myself in it. That label scares me so much.

Now I'm so confused: I behave as if I'm in a relationship with him because it's spontaneous when we're together, but if I think about it I cringe so bad and I wish to come back to when we were just friends. I don't even know if my feelings are induced by his behaviour (I mean he wooed and waited for me for months!!!!). Meanwhile I feel understood every time I read some aromantic story or witness, relationship is not a thing for me and I'm sure that after this (because it's gonna end with him sooner or later) I don't want to be trapped in a similar situation, I'm fine alone and I wanna stay alone.

How do I manage fhjs situation? Can I still consider myself aromantic? And above all, what's up with this terror of the "relationship" label? I'm incredibly confused right now 😭

[Ekaterina]

What you said sounds pretty much aromantic to me. A number of aros are interested in QPRs, some are interested in sexual relationships, and many like stuff like cuddling and hugs which doesn't have to be romantic. (Many people cuddle and hug their family members for example, you yourself said you like physical contact with friends) 

If you don't see your feelings as romance and are uncomfortable with imagining it this way, then your feelings aren't romance. Especially as you said you don't like to do "traditionally romantic" stuff (but it isn't such a 100% sure criteria, some people like some "traditionally romantic" activity in a non-romantic context, some on the contrary don't do some "traditionally romantic" activity while in romantic relationship). 

So yes, you are fully justified considering yourself aromantic if you feel this way. 

It's natural you were scared and confused when your relationship you considered something you are comfortable with turned out to be seen by the other party as something you aren't comfortable with. In situations like this, communication is key. Explain to him about your orientation and nature of your feelings, if you still want to have a non-romantic special connection with him tell him so and that your love isn't any "less" for not being romantic. If you want to be alone, sorry I don't know how you properly part with him, maybe someone else can give a good advice here. 

[Ana Luísa]

I think you should look on fluitic attraction and wavership. It´s kinda sounds you are experiencing fluitic attractiond and wavership towards him.

[CORALINE]

13 hours ago, Ekaterina said:

What you said sounds pretty much aromantic to me. A number of aros are interested in QPRs, some are interested in sexual relationships, and many like stuff like cuddling and hugs which doesn't have to be romantic. (Many people cuddle and hug their family members for example, you yourself said you like physical contact with friends) 

If you don't see your feelings as romance and are uncomfortable with imagining it this way, then your feelings aren't romance. Especially as you said you don't like to do "traditionally romantic" stuff (but it isn't such a 100% sure criteria, some people like some "traditionally romantic" activity in a non-romantic context, some on the contrary don't do some "traditionally romantic" activity while in romantic relationship). 

So yes, you are fully justified considering yourself aromantic if you feel this way. 

It's natural you were scared and confused when your relationship you considered something you are comfortable with turned out to be seen by the other party as something you aren't comfortable with. In situations like this, communication is key. Explain to him about your orientation and nature of your feelings, if you still want to have a non-romantic special connection with him tell him so and that your love isn't any "less" for not being romantic. If you want to be alone, sorry I don't know how you properly part with him, maybe someone else can give a good advice here. 

Hello there!! First of all thank you for your reply, reading these words is very heartwarming to me and makes me feel less alone 🫶

Yes I really care about him and I'm happy of this special bond we have, especial)y the tenderness and intimacy between us, indeed I'm afraid I'm "deluding" him acting like we're in a relationship despite not intending it like this. He's very open-minded, he never judged me while exploring my asexuality and my polyamorous side, but the relationship label is so important for him... I don't know if he will ever be able to understand my point, I don't wanna lose him but I guess I have to risk to respect myself and my needs.

Thank youuu for give me some interesting points ❤️

3 hours ago, Ana Luísa said:

I think you should look on fluitic attraction and wavership. It´s kinda sounds you are experiencing fluitic attractiond and wavership towards him.

Hey there!! Thank you for your reply!

Sorry I have a stupid question... What do you mean with fluitic attraction and wavership? I don't know what it is but I'm very curious ☺️

[Neon]

19 hours ago, CORALINE said:

My mind can't process the fact I have a boyfriend, I actually don't really want it!!! Yes this was my first experience so I decided to live it fully and see what would've happened, I ended up like this but in the end I feel so uncomfortable in a relationship, it's not what I wanted and I don't see myself in it. That label scares me so much.

Now I'm so confused: I behave as if I'm in a relationship with him because it's spontaneous when we're together, but if I think about it I cringe so bad and I wish to come back to when we were just friends. I don't even know if my feelings are induced by his behaviour (I mean he wooed and waited for me for months!!!!). Meanwhile I feel understood every time I read some aromantic story or witness, relationship is not a thing for me and I'm sure that after this (because it's gonna end with him sooner or later) I don't want to be trapped in a similar situation, I'm fine alone and I wanna stay alone.

I think you really need to tell him this part. Any relationship, romantic or platonic, is built on communication. You need to discuss what you want from your relationship with him. It's not fair to either of you to dance around this very major issue.

Be honest with him, and see what happens from there.

Best of luck!

[Ana Luísa]

Fluitic attraction means the attraction flucuates some day it´s platonic, some day it´s queerplatonic and another day sensual. Wavership is a type of relationship where the exact type of relationship changes;

20 hours ago, CORALINE said:

Hello there!! First of all thank you for your reply, reading these words is very heartwarming to me and makes me feel less alone 🫶

Yes I really care about him and I'm happy of this special bond we have, especial)y the tenderness and intimacy between us, indeed I'm afraid I'm "deluding" him acting like we're in a relationship despite not intending it like this. He's very open-minded, he never judged me while exploring my asexuality and my polyamorous side, but the relationship label is so important for him... I don't know if he will ever be able to understand my point, I don't wanna lose him but I guess I have to risk to respect myself and my needs.

Thank youuu for give me some interesting points ❤️

Hey there!! Thank you for your reply!

Sorry I have a stupid question... What do you mean with fluitic attraction and wavership? I don't know what it is but I'm very curious ☺️