Am I Aroace?

[Guest Vii]

Being on the aroace spectrum is something I've considered for some time, but this is the first time I have decided to go to a forum about it. I am a student. I'm at the age where many of my friends are talking about crushes, dating, etc. We aren't at the age where a recognized relationship would be very long-term or intense, pretty much "I kinda like you and you kinda like me".

However, I feel like I'm missing out on "liking people". Maybe I just haven't found the right person yet, but I realized I've never ACTUALLY had a crush on someone. I've thought I've had a crush a total of 2 times in my life before, but looking back there wasn't really anything behind it, I just acknowledged that they were decently good-looking and I knew them kind of well so I thought "if I think they're cute, I must have a crush on them!" Or something along that line. 

But those thoughts may have only stemmed from the fact that romantic relationships are so often promoted in modern media - the books, TV shows, and movies that I and many others grew up with would depict two characters in love who would "feel sparks" or "get butterflies" because of finding their "true love", or "other half". And in other shows I've seen in more recent years, there is a character who sleeps around a lot like sex is a daily necessity in life.

And if I AM aroace, I like I'm missing out on this wonderful thing that the majority of others have. Any advice on how I can figure myself out and come to terms with things?

[allhailtheglowcloud]

Hi! I feel like everyone says this (probably because it's true) but only you can decide your labels. I have had fairly similar experiences to yours, and to be honest, for me the feeling of "what if I'm just waiting for the right person?" still hasn't gone away and I'm not sure it ever will. 

I think the road to coming to terms with things is a very personal journey. This sounds *incredibly* cheesy and I'm sorry, but try to find joy in life rather than focusing on whether you are missing out on something. 

Also, as I mentioned before, only you can decide on your labels. It's completely fine if you want to try out labels, or even change them in the future. Nobody will get offended, I promise! 

Hope that helps and sorry for the long message. Good luck!

[Neon]

I agree with @allhailtheglowcloud. Only you can really figure it out, as only you are inside your brain.

But I resonate with a lot of your experiences and I'm aroace. Similar to you, all of the people I thought I had crushes on were really just me wanting to be friends.

In terms of figuring yourself out, I have some advice.

• Talk about it. No good ever comes from stewing in your head. You'll end up miserable and overthinking everything. You can talk online anonymously like this, or with people you trust in real life.
• Read/watch stuff about it. Ash Hardell's videos on asexuality and aromanticism were very helpful for me. So were reading other people talking about how they realized they were aromantic and/or asexual (avoid other people questioning though).
• Write stuff down. Inevitably, you will probably get in your head a little. But if you write down your thoughts, you can refer back to them and snap out of it. For example, when I was questioning, I realized the feeling I attributed to romantic attraction was really just "I like this thing," and it happened from looking at a picture of a mandala. Having that written down to refer back to was an automatic defeat of any self doubt while I was questioning.
• Just try out the label. It's not a commitment, and you aren't hurting anybody by doing so. Try it on, see how it feels.

As for how you can come to terms with everything, what'll really do it is time. But as that's going on, I suggest finding spaces on the internet (and irl if you can) that affirm and uplift aromantic and asexual people, and avoid (for now) spaces that are more for venting.

Overall, you seem on the right track for figuring everything out. Give yourself grace and time. I believe in you!

[Mult]

On 4/18/2024 at 9:29 PM, Guest Vii said:

And if I AM aroace, I like I'm missing out on this wonderful thing that the majority of others have. 

If you feel this way believing that romantic attraction is a wonderful thing, then it is likely worth it not to fret so much and just be open to romantic relationships. Media greatly exaggerates romance as well, so I don't think you should consider it as a baseline for how you should feel.

My parents met on a blind date set up by their friends/family and they're a great match who've been together 30 years, so if you want a romantic relationship, just look out for someone who fits with your interests and life style rather than trying to find the mythical "spark" the movies always showcase. You don't need to get butterflies to be in a romantic relationship, so don't let that hold you back if you want a romantic relationship. You might just psych yourself out expecting something spectacular when life is often much more chill than the movies.

Edited April 25 by Mult