What kind of aro-spec am I?

[aroneous]

Hi folks. I've been trying to better understand where I fall on the aromantic spectrum, and maybe y'all could help me out.

Firstly, I'm someone who you could say "became" aromantic. When I was younger I had romantic ambitions, though they were always somewhat subdued, I guess I would say that I was demi-romantic. I definitely had "crushes", though they were few and far between. But as I became older, I went through a period of personal change, and I guess I would consider myself now to be more or less a completely different person to who I once was, and in the process I've lost the ability to "see myself" in a romantic context. It just makes me uncomfortable to think about myself in that way (for a number of reasons), and I don't want it for myself.

But at the same time, I think I'm still different from "most" aros. From what I've gathered, aros usually just cannot understand the motivation for romance at all. Personally, I think I still can. A-spec identities are usually framed in terms of a lack of attraction, and perhaps the term "attraction" is what is throwing me off. If I fantasize, I can still elicit in myself the same anticipation of romance and the pleasures involved that previously would have led to actions that would be characteristic of attraction. But for me, it's now no more than idle musings that I might engage in when I'm bored.

I'm familiar with the concept of "orchidromantic", which refers to attraction without the desire for romantic activity, but I'm not sure if "attraction" applies to me at all. Attraction seems like something that exists more or less "in the moment" and is somewhat omni-present. But I can only get myself to feel this way if I purposely "distract myself" and construct scenarios in my head that I don't believe to be consistent with reality. And I don't think "romance-favorable aromantic" applies to me either because I don't think I'd be willing to do romantic things with another person.

So, if I could pick a microlabel for myself, I think I would call myself a "romance-sympathetic" aromantic. As far as I've searched, there is no similar term to exactly describe how I feel about this, but perhaps one of you might know.

Edited February 29 by aroneous

[flyineeyore]

Hey! First I wanna say that I had similar experiences with romance and relationships - you are not alone! When I was a teenager I really wanted to have a romantic relationship because of my ambitions - I thought romance was the utlimate achievement (very amatonormative of me ik) and I used to be a very ambitious kid. So my process of "crushing" was that I chose a guy that was decent enough and that I had several interactions with, and made him my crush for the sake of having a crush - then I obsessed over having a relationship with him. Now I wonder if those "crushes" weren't of a different nature (ex. platonic or alterous), because honestly I never had (still don't) any idea of what romance and exclusive relationships meant. But that's another topic I'm gonna mention below.

With reference to labels - I used to seek the right label describing my experiences with romance - but finally I gave up and stuck with just "aromantic". However, I have other labels in mind that may describe my experience - nebularomantic or autiaromantic. I am currently in the process of diagnosing for autism. If this diagnosis is right, my experiences with making "crushes" would be somewhat explained by connections with an obsessive urge to fit in and masking. But that is just my interpretation of autiaro that potentially suits my experiences.

I also have big sympathy for romance - I enjoy romantic content (not all, mainly songs), I love to see my friends finding fulfillment in romantic relationships. But I am just a happy observer. I am positive others would agree that liking romantic content does not make a person more or less aromantic.

[Holmbo]

"aros usually just cannot understand the motivation for romance at all"

I don't think this is the case. There are many aros who are in romantic relationships. Maybe you could elaborate what you mean in regards to motivation of romance?

"If I fantasize, I can still elicit in myself the same anticipation of romance and the pleasures involved that previously would have led to actions that would be characteristic of attraction."

Is this with a particular person or can you do this with anyone?

I don't have experience with that in particular but I feel fantasy is very different from actual experience. Not sure you differ from many other aromantics if you sometimes fantasies about wanting romance, same as an asexual might fantasies about wanting sex.

[aroneous]

4 hours ago, flyineyore said:

So my process of "crushing" was that I chose a guy that was decent enough and that I had several interactions with, and made him my crush for the sake of having a crush - then I obsessed over having a relationship with him. Now I wonder if those "crushes" weren't of a different nature (ex. platonic or alterous), because honestly I never had (still don't) any idea of what romance and exclusive relationships meant.

Interesting, I think my crushes felt genuine at the time, but I'm sure part of the reason I had them in the first place was because of the social pressure to have a crush just for the sake of "fitting in". Like, not having one meant I would be left behind, somehow, and no longer be able to relate to my peers.

4 hours ago, flyineyore said:

I am currently in the process of diagnosing for autism. If this diagnosis is right, my experiences with making "crushes" would be somewhat explained by connections with an obsessive urge to fit in and masking. But that is just my interpretation of autiaro that potentially suits my experiences.

Out of curiousity, would you say that autism (if you're diagnosed as such) would explain why you're aromantic to begin with, or does it instead more tied to the way you express your aromanticism? Or is it both? Are there aspects of autism that you think might make someone more likely to be aromantic?

[aroneous]

1 hour ago, Holmbo said:

I don't think this is the case. There are many aros who are in romantic relationships. Maybe you could elaborate what you mean in regards to motivation of romance?

Right, I was just referring to aromantics who say "I can't relate at all to wanting love and romance", which is a common way for someone to express their aromanticism. I think I can relate and I understand why someone would want it, I just don't want it myself, so I wonder where I stand in relation to them.

1 hour ago, Holmbo said:

Is this with a particular person or can you do this with anyone?

It's very specific. I could draw an analogy to imagining you're about to bite into a sour lemon, and feeling your mouth get tense. If I imagine doing something romantic with someone in a specific context, I can feel some inklings of the "butterflies in the stomach" and other sensations that probably accompany romance. It often happens while I'm dreaming and usually tends to be specific people, but I don't think it means I am genuinely attracted to them, it's just something I "note" in the moment and forget about as soon as I stop thinking about it. I'm just not sure how common that is amongst aromantics. I guess it is pretty analogous to asexuality, in that one can imagine situations to stimulate sexual pleasure without necessarily feeling any kind of sexual attraction.

[flyineeyore]

30 minutes ago, aroneous said:

Out of curiousity, would you say that autism (if you're diagnosed as such) would explain why you're aromantic to begin with, or does it instead more tied to the way you express your aromanticism? Or is it both? Are there aspects of autism that you think might make someone more likely to be aromantic?

I think it has the biggest influence on my expression in relationships in general. I always felt that I, like, stood aside when it came to social interactions, including friendships. Some neurodivergent folks have experiences of standing against or beyond(?) social expectations. I wouldn't consider it any rebellion or sth. Neurodiversity and neurodivergence are about identity, and it was just a relief that there is an answer for my struggles, that I do not need to meet social expectations I might possibly not be able to fulfill.
Honestly, your response made me think about this topic, thank you for that 😅
If there are any specific aspects of autism that might make someone more likely to be aromantic - I am not really sure if any of the aspects (for example diagnostic criteria) can be linked to potential aromanticism. Every autistic person experiences and reflects these aspects differently, these aspects influence different areas of life. I read something on this forum that buoyed me up - that the most important thing with the label is that the label should make sense to me and my experiences. I hope it is valid.

[tam-song]

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[Holmbo]

2 hours ago, aroneous said:

Right, I was just referring to aromantics who say "I can't relate at all to wanting love and romance", which is a common way for someone to express their aromanticism. I think I can relate and I understand why someone would want it, I just don't want it myself, so I wonder where I stand in relation to them.

It's very specific. I could draw an analogy to imagining you're about to bite into a sour lemon, and feeling your mouth get tense. If I imagine doing something romantic with someone in a specific context, I can feel some inklings of the "butterflies in the stomach" and other sensations that probably accompany romance. It often happens while I'm dreaming and usually tends to be specific people, but I don't think it means I am genuinely attracted to them, it's just something I "note" in the moment and forget about as soon as I stop thinking about it. I'm just not sure how common that is amongst aromantics. I guess it is pretty analogous to asexuality, in that one can imagine situations to stimulate sexual pleasure without necessarily feeling any kind of sexual attraction.

None of this sounds unusual for an aro. We all have variations for sure so if you find a microlabel which feels fit you go ahead and use it. However most microlabels are used to describe how one in some sense revert from the norm. For example grey romantic is about feeling some romantic attraction, cupio romantic is about desiring a romantic relationship.

From what I've heard from other it's not uncommon to be able to understand why someone want a romantic relationship and sometimes experience things feeling kinda like romantic attraction. Romance is a nebulous concept so it can be hard to even say what's romantic or not.