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I still want love.

Guest K b


I don’t want to be aro. I know I am but I hate it. I love this community and I’m not ashamed to be aro in any way shape or form. But I’m sad after seeing literally all my friends in love. They’re so happy. So comforted. I still want some form of intimacy. I want to be loved. But I feel incapable of loving. I want to be the most special person to someone, to be a best friend for me, my number one person in the world. I want that loyalty and trust and admiration. And I want to give it back to someone. But I just can’t do it. How do I reconcile my feelings? How do I exist? 

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Hey there! Those are difficult feelings you're dealing with.

It sounds like you've already started to do this, but I would stop and think on what love means to you. And I would think harder on why you think that's not something you can give. There are all kinds of love and just because amatonormativity says romantic love is the most important doesn't mean it actually is. Plenty of people have strong and deep and committed friendships and other partnerships (like queerplatonic relationships). So do you feel like you can't give admiration and loyalty because it's not romantic or because you don't feel that strongly about anyone?

And if you truly feel that's not really something you can give, then I would start thinking on - what are other ways you can build your life to be fulfilling? What kind of goals do you have? What kind of experiences do you want to foster? What kind of person do you want to be and how well are you acting in line with ways that help you be this person? (It might not be up your ally, but in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy in 7 Weeks, there was a bit of work on building and defining goals for yourself that I found really useful to helping me break down who I wanted to be and how to move in a direction that would help meet these goals. It helped give me more sense of purpose and direction.)

Good luck. I hope you can find a way to come to term with these feelings and desires and make them work for you. =)

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