Recently realized I'm aro, and a QPP sounds exactly like what I want.

[blueplanetdreaming]

I posted this earlier at AVEN (I don't know if this forum and that one are connected?), and someone pointed me here. I'm new to both this forum, and to my aromantic identity, so bear with me. I sort of need to vent, and any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

I guess the way I feel about people I love can be easily mistaken for romanticism, and it makes me feel...I don't know. Insecure? Like someone is going to burst down my door and take my aromantic card away? I tend to form very intense emotional, intellectual, and even aesthetic attractions to people, and even long for physical interaction like holding hands, snuggling, etc (but this is very dependent on the person, doesn't happen with everyone I'm attracted to, and I definitely don't consider it romantic). When I develop a squish on a person, I find myself wanting to be with them, thinking about them in way that makes me happy, etc. But I try to see myself kissing them or doing other traditionally romantic things and there's just nothing there. It does nothing for me. It even feels a little bit gross, like trying to imagine doing romantic things with a sibling. The way I usually explain it to people is that my aromantic feelings for people I like/love feel very cool and crisp--refreshing, like an early winter morning. I remember the romantic relationships I've been in and those feelings felt hot, unpleasantly tense, and oppressive. It also feels weird, having figured this all out after I got married in a very outwardly heteronormative way (big ole Catholic wedding, in a Cathedral, no less).

 

I guess I just want a person in my life who gets it, who I can be with in an asexual and aromantic way that transcends friendship. I am married, and I love my husband and he's wonderful and totally understands, but I feel like I also need a queerplatonic partner to balance me out, to fully complete me. I have plenty of close friendships and those are fulfilling, but none quite meet that QPP designation and I'm terrified to approach them with it. 

[ArodynamicallyFavored]

24 minutes ago, blueplanetdreaming said:

I posted this earlier at AVEN (I don't know if this forum and that one are connected?), and someone pointed me here. I'm new to both this forum, and to my aromantic identity, so bear with me. I sort of need to vent, and any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

I guess the way I feel about people I love can be easily mistaken for romanticism, and it makes me feel...I don't know. Insecure? Like someone is going to burst down my door and take my aromantic card away? I tend to form very intense emotional, intellectual, and even aesthetic attractions to people, and even long for physical interaction like holding hands, snuggling, etc (but this is very dependent on the person, doesn't happen with everyone I'm attracted to, and I definitely don't consider it romantic). When I develop a squish on a person, I find myself wanting to be with them, thinking about them in way that makes me happy, etc. But I try to see myself kissing them or doing other traditionally romantic things and there's just nothing there. It does nothing for me. It even feels a little bit gross, like trying to imagine doing romantic things with a sibling. The way I usually explain it to people is that my aromantic feelings for people I like/love feel very cool and crisp--refreshing, like an early winter morning. I remember the romantic relationships I've been in and those feelings felt hot, unpleasantly tense, and oppressive. It also feels weird, having figured this all out after I got married in a very outwardly heteronormative way (big ole Catholic wedding, in a Cathedral, no less).

 

I guess I just want a person in my life who gets it, who I can be with in an asexual and aromantic way that transcends friendship. I am married, and I love my husband and he's wonderful and totally understands, but I feel like I also need a queerplatonic partner to balance me out, to fully complete me. I have plenty of close friendships and those are fulfilling, but none quite meet that QPP designation and I'm terrified to approach them with it. 

^my life minus the marriage part

First WELCOME TO AROCALYPSE!!!!

Secondly, I feel your pain....very VERY deeply as far as wanting to have a QPP who gets it.

I guess this could serve as a suggestion,but when I develop a squish on someone, I slowly breach the subject (ask them casually have they heard of QPRs, what they think of aro aces, etc) and see how they respond. If it's positive then I think go for it if you feel comfortable that it won't freak them out. The only thing about me is that my platonic feelings & attractions fade very quickly.

Good luck!!

[blueplanetdreaming]

Thanks! My situation is super weird in that I have two squishes, actually.
Who are married.
To each other.
So that complicates things a smidge. For the time being I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and enjoy the friendship I have with them. They're pretty open-minded, but I don't think I know them quite well enough to be that honest about my feelings, and the whole thing may strain even their liberal tolerance. 

But I want a QPR, eventually, soooo baaaaad. And I have no idea how to go about making that happen with anyone. My own platonic feelings tend to be very very strong. My first squish was in high school, and it just completely took me over. Of course, I had no idea how to make sense of those feelings in a non-romantic way and it ended up...well, bad. Real bad. The squishes I have now are pretty strong, but nowhere near as strong as that. 

[SoulWolf]

14 hours ago, blueplanetdreaming said:

I guess the way I feel about people I love can be easily mistaken for romanticism, and it makes me feel...I don't know. Insecure? Like someone is going to burst down my door and take my aromantic card away? I tend to form very intense emotional, intellectual, and even aesthetic attractions to people, and even long for physical interaction like holding hands, snuggling, etc (but this is very dependent on the person, doesn't happen with everyone I'm attracted to, and I definitely don't consider it romantic). When I develop a squish on a person, I find myself wanting to be with them, thinking about them in way that makes me happy, etc. But I try to see myself kissing them or doing other traditionally romantic things and there's just nothing there. It does nothing for me. It even feels a little bit gross, like trying to imagine doing romantic things with a sibling.

This describes me almost exactly

 

I've gotten a bit more confident about the aro thing over time, and constantly reading posts here helps with that. So I'm less worried about someone taking my aro card away... because technically nobody can do that. Although it'd suck if someone I care about refuses to try to understand...

 

13 hours ago, blueplanetdreaming said:

But I want a QPR, eventually, soooo baaaaad. And I have no idea how to go about making that happen with anyone. My own platonic feelings tend to be very very strong. My first squish was in high school, and it just completely took me over. Of course, I had no idea how to make sense of those feelings in a non-romantic way and it ended up...well, bad. Real bad.

Yeah, I had the same problem with someone not too long ago. I also have no idea how to actually talk to people about things like cuddling without it getting really, really weird.

[blueplanetdreaming]

Yeah. I have no idea how to approach platonic physical affection that wouldn't be seen as weird. 

[aussiekirkland]

3 hours ago, blueplanetdreaming said:

Yeah. I have no idea how to approach platonic physical affection that wouldn't be seen as weird. 

I tried to cuddle with someone while I was drunk and he mistook it as a sexual advance, so I know your pain