Any advice to help with continuously doubting I’m aro?

[Anonymous]

So I realized I was aro a bit under a month ago but no matter what I do I keep having these thoughts that I’m faking it. Like, that I’m just confused, mistaken, too young (won’t say exact age but young teens), trying to just be “special”, etc. I keep having to validate myself over and over and it’s just so frustrating because no matter what I do I keep having these doubts. I’ve done a lot of looking into aromanticism and I know that I AM aro, but like I said it feels impossible to not doubt myself. It’s not even that I’ve experienced or heard anything negative about aromantics that I could have somehow internalized, so I don’t know where these thoughts are coming from. Advice would be appreciated 

[HelloThere]

My #1 favorite ways to help tackle doubt is that if you have to ask if you’re faking, you’re DEFINITELY not faking. If you have to ask if you’re doing this to feel special, ask who you “want” to be special towards. Often when I think that I’m doing that to feel special, I ask myself who I even care to talk about that with, and I tend to just want that label for the sake of myself resonating with it. I have a feeling that you’re not the only one who worries, my general suggestion is to just try and keep talking with other aros, experiencing anything to distract, and try to remember that labels are DE-scriptive not PRE-scriptive.

[Neon]

Ugh. I've been there. It sucks. I did a lot to quell my doubt, but the number one most important thing is TIME. It wasn't until about a year in that I could confidently say I was aromantic. But it got easier the entire time. You've only known you were aro for a month. That's not very long, and I promise it gets better. I feel doubtful very rarely now (it's been just over 3 years, and I can count on one hand how often I've tried to invalidate myself in the last couple years).

In regards to the other stuff, I took a lot of notes about intense feelings of all kinds, so I could look back and remember that the feeling I thought was romantic attraction I also got singing in the car and looking at a pretty abstract art piece (yes those are both true lmao). That way I had physical proof that I wasn't deceiving myself. I also used "arospec" and "acespec" for a while because they felt more comfortable. Without meaning to, I started using aro, ace, and aroace interchangeably with them, then started using exclusively aro, ace, and aroace. It wasn't conscious, I just eased into myself. That may not work for you, so I guess the nearest thing is just to give yourself space to explore your identity.

Finally, and this may seem counter-intuitive, but stay away from "am I aromantic" type questions, "you might be aro if" type posts, any kind of "what is your sexuality" quizzes, etc. for a while. They may validate you, but more likely, they will cause you to compare your experiences to other people's and even if you relate to 9/10 things, you will try to convince yourself you aren't aro because you don't relate to 1 of them. And to clarify, you can be aro without relating to anything in those discussions.

[Ghostflower]

In my experience, it's easy to feel uncertain or guilty about adopting an identity if you're afraid that you're going to upset other people.  For example, when I first thought that I might be autistic, I was afraid that my autistic friends would sneer at me and say that it was obvious that I wasn't.  I didn't want to offend their identities with my own or to take the spotlight away from them. 

But with both aromanticism and autism, there is an infinite amount of space in the community.  You won't be taking away any resources from the people who need them, and more often than not, people will be happy to welcome you into the fold.  If they're not, and if they're rude or elitist in any way, then that's their problem, not yours.

I'm not sure if this is part of your aromantic doubts or not, but it definitely was for me.  So rest assured that you can belong to this community for as long as you want to, and you don't have to prove that you're aro in any way.  I'm happy to have you here, and I believe that you are more than your doubts/fears! :)