What Even Is Romance?

[Ghostflower]

In high school, I started identifying as panromantic asexual, and it wasn’t until mid-college that I started wondering if maybe I wasn’t panromantic but aromantic—or at least somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. So for a while, I related most strongly to other folks who were alloromantic and asexual. It seemed easy to conceptualize romance with sexual attraction turned off, basically.

But now that I’m a few years into probably being aromantic, I understand so little about romance that it’s easier to conceptualize being allosexual and aromantic than alloromantic and asexual. I’m not questioning my own lack of sexual attraction, but I almost find it easier to imagine sexual attraction than romantic attraction. It’s more clear-cut to me, if that makes sense.

I think that might be because I never thought that I was experiencing sexual attraction, but I spent years confusing a desire for closeness and companionship with romantic attraction. I honestly still don’t know what’s up with me romantically: I want the commitment of a partnership, but the romance element isn’t necessary, and I’m starting to suspect that I don’t even know what romance is!

I currently believe that romance is all about intention: you can hold someone’s hand platonically or kiss them platonically, and it only becomes romantic if you choose to give it that meaning.  But if that’s true, then how does romantic attraction work?  Do you desire not just the action but the intention?  

I hear people describe romantic attraction as hyperfixation on a specific person, and I’m having trouble reconciling that with the idea of romance being intentional.  Is romantic attraction essentially the desire to be mutually fixated on someone else?  And why couldn’t friendship fill that niche?  What is it about romance that distinguishes it from friendship besides the label that you choose to give it?  If it’s the level of devotion, then that bothers me, because I would love a friendship that’s as committed as a romantic partnership.  

What even is romance?  Does anyone know?  Is there a clear-cut definition, or do we all define it for ourselves? 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

People are describing it as "hyperfixation on a specific person?" Ohhhhh I'm gonna beat their asses. Hyperfixation is a specific experience unique to people with ADHD and certain other types of neurodivergence, and using that as a term to describe regular ass neurotypical folks experiencing romantic attraction is a dick move. Sorry, I guess that's kind of off topic, but I think whoever told you that needs to get kicked in the shins.

Anyway, as for the other stuff, uh, I can't really explain very well because I don't experience it. I guess it's intent? I'm nonpartnering, so I absolutely do not want a QPR or anything along those lines, but I guess like... I'd be happy to have a friend invite me to see a movie, but not to see a movie As A Date, you know?

Edited August 4, 2023 by Jot-Aro Kujo

[Ghostflower]

25 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

People are describing it as "hyperfixation on a specific person?" Ohhhhh I'm gonna beat their asses. Hyperfixation is a specific experience unique to people with ADHD and certain other types of neurodivergence, and using that as a term to describe regular ass neurotypical folks experiencing romantic attraction is a dick move. Sorry, I guess that's kind of off topic, but I think whoever told you that needs to get kicked in the shins.

Anyway, as for the other stuff, uh, I can't really explain very well because I don't experience it. I guess it's intent? I'm nonpartnering, so I absolutely do not want a QPR or anything along those lines, but I guess like... I'd be happy to have a friend invite me to see a movie, but not to see a movie As A Date, you know?

The person who first described romance to me as "hyperfixation on a specific person" has ADHD and is also on the aromantic spectrum, like me.  She was just trying to help me understand romance in terms legible to us, hence the neurodivergent analogy.  Rest assured that no kicking of her shins is necessary! :)

At any rate, thank you for sharing your experience!  It's wild that something like seeing a movie can have so many connotations added to it.  I'm wondering if maybe alloromantic folks associate romance with additional movie-going activities like holding hands and cuddling during a film.  Of course, it's still possible to say, "I want to hold hands and cuddle non-romantically," but maybe in those situations, whatever romance exists might be focused into those supplementary gestures?

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

9 minutes ago, Ghostflower said:

The person who first described romance to me as "hyperfixation on a specific person" has ADHD and is also on the aromantic spectrum, like me.  She was just trying to help me understand romance in terms legible to us, hence the neurodivergent analogy.  Rest assured that no kicking of her shins is necessary! :)

OH ok lol, that’s totally understandable then! I thought maybe it was like, The Hot New Way To Define Romantic Attraction which would be terrible. Glad to hear that’s not the case lol.