Does this sound like I could be greyaplatonic?

[Anonymous]

CWs: mental health struggles, mention of intrusive thoughts, some BPD related stuff, I have some negative feelings about potentially being apl-spec sorry about that 

I've been questioning whether or not I might be on the aplatonic spectrum recently. I've heard somebody say that the realisation that they're aplatonic took a lot of pressure away because they stopped trying to force themself to feel something they just weren't feeling.

And even considering the idea that I might be greyaplatonic did a similar thing for me. But the idea is also daunting. Because I don't want to be. I want to love my friends. I want to have people in my life that I deeply care about and I want to feel connected to them and I don't think I could have that if I don't feel the right way about them.

But I have friends right now and I just don't feel that way about them. I like them, sure. They're nice people. I feel vaguely positive about them, a bit more vaguely positive than the vague positivity I feel for about 50% of people I meet. I like people.

I've never had a best friend, even though I really want to have one. But I can't imagine it actually happening. It's an abstract thing that I wish would happen that magically I find the right person some day but whenever I think about it I feel bad for the that person because I feel like I genuinely can't like them in the same way they like me.

I've had points within my life where I did genuinely have strong platonic feelings about someone, one of those times I can even remember thinking that I loved them but all of those times where unhealthy in some way. I'm in therapy and as it turns out there's a very good chance I have BPD and those three cases where instances of me having a "favorite person". So I'm not sure if can even count that and aside from that I don't think I've had strong platonic feelings about any of the friends I've had.

I also have OCD and an intrusive thought I'm really hung up on is: "You're unlovable." 

Partially this is for BPD related reasons, partially this is because I feel like I can't love my friends therefore I don't deserve to have any in the first place and the fact that I do have them and they say they love me must mean that I'm either implicitly lying to them or that they are lying to me.

This is one of the reasons it took me as long as it did to come to terms with being greyaro because I was worried of validating that thought and the thing that got me to feel less bad about it was learning about QPRs and thinking about how romantic love isnt inherently better than platonic love. So now it's that thing all over but worse.

I should probably mention that I'm autistic and struggle with alexithymia. I don't know what I'm feeling more than half the time. So this might very well just be that. Maybe I do feel platonic attraction to my friends all the time and I just don't pick up on it at all ever. 

I just really really wish that even if I am on the aplatonic spectrum I can still somehow at some point in the future find some friends I love. I want to love and I want to be loved and I think both of those things are deeply integral to who I am as a person and what I need to be happy. Or maybe they're just what I've been thought to associate with happiness? Because the things that I genuinely do love and that actually noticably bring me joy are art and music. On the surface they have nothing to do with people. But I'm not just making, I'm consuming too and both of those artforms are very human. Art im general is I think. I've said that I love art because I love people at one point in my life. I was exaggerating a bit. But it makes me feel a bit more optimistic about my potential to love people.

But also the idea of accepting I'm greyaplatonic and not constantly looking for feelings I don't seem to have (for now?) feels like it could be a really big relief. I guess that's what I'm going with for now. 

Apologies for all the rambling, my pain meds aren't doing their job today so I've had a lot of time to just lie around and think

Also disclaimer: english isn't my first language and I'm tired so there's a good chance that even though I tried to double check everything there might be some atrocious spelling mistakes in here so ignore those please 

[alto]

Hey, for friends, if it happens it happens.  I've gone through periods where I've had two real life besties, times where I've had four online besties, times where I've had two online besties...etc.  If it happens it happens.

If art and music are what bring you joy, I say just focus on what brings you joy and don't worry about the rest.

[Synthetic Adrenaline]

You may be taking language a bit too literally. As a kid I thought I was incapable of loving people because I didn't get any sort of warm fuzzy feeling around anyone. I thought you were supposed to feel literal heat. I didn't know it was just a saying and thought I was a psychopath.