[Content warning: Mentions of sexual activity] I hate my Libido

[BlueMycena]

Sorry if this has been discussed before, and sorry for my first post being a vent/rant. I just have to get this off my chest and this is the only community I feel comfortable sharing this with.

I hate my libido. It's unnecessary, it's pointless, and it fills me with so much shame. I've tried so many times to completely refrain from touching myself, but my libido doesn't go away regardless if I do or not. Either I try to ignore it and it consumes my thoughts, or I satisfy it and feel awful afterwords. I've read other people discribe their libido as "Like a mosquito bite." and "A chore/bodily function you just got to do like brushing your teeth or relieving your self." and I think that sums it up pretty well.

The worst part about it is that there are certain things that do arouse me, and I hate it. I hate these absolutely disgusting thoughts that for whatever reason, turn me on. I just don't understand. It's like my brain is fighting itself. I wish I could just get rid of my libido and k*nks, but I cant and I don't know what else to do.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Why are you ashamed?

[BlueMycena]

25 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Why are you ashamed?

I guess it's because I'm horrified by the contents of the k*nks, but am simultaneously aroused by them.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Like… Specific ones, or just any kinks whatsoever? Also, you don’t have to censor the word “kink”. There’s nothing wrong with it. 

[BlueMycena]

4 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Like… Specific ones, or just any kinks whatsoever? Also, you don’t have to censor the word “kink”. There’s nothing wrong with it. 

I'm sorry, I not sure what type of nsfw content is okay for me to mention, since there are people on here who are sex repulsed. 

But yes, there are specific ones that I have that I wish I didn't.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Hmm. Well, I'm not quite sure how to help you there. Is that the only thing bothering you? It sounds like you're ashamed of the concept of sexuality and arousal in general. Why?

[BlueMycena]

53 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Hmm. Well, I'm not quite sure how to help you there. Is that the only thing bothering you? It sounds like you're ashamed of the concept of sexuality and arousal in general. Why?

What I mean is: I am disturbed with myself for being turned on by certain things. 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

I see. Well, I don't think I can help you there. Probably best to talk to either a therapist, or like, a kink group.

[DeltaAro]

On 7/3/2023 at 6:42 AM, BlueMycena said:

I hate my libido. It's unnecessary, it's pointless, and it fills me with so much shame. I've tried so many times to completely refrain from touching myself, but my libido doesn't go away regardless if I do or not. Either I try to ignore it and it consumes my thoughts, or I satisfy it and feel awful afterwords. I've read other people discribe their libido as "Like a mosquito bite." and "A chore/bodily function you just got to do like brushing your teeth or relieving your self." and I think that sums it up pretty well.

That would be just annoying, but you're ashamed about it to an unhealthy degree...

On 7/3/2023 at 9:33 PM, BlueMycena said:

What I mean is: I am disturbed with myself for being turned on by certain things. 

I'm sorry that you feel this way. While most people are ashamed of their kinks a bit, you obsess about it, so it's a very strong and deep-seated shame, which is not normal.

For Freud, neurotic thoughts and behaviors are to some degree rational, or understandable, given the patient's circumstances and biography. They're a sort of coping mechanism - so the psychoanalyst needs to get to the (hidden) root of the problem. For cognitive behavior therapy, on the other hand, neurotic thoughts are squarely irrational, and there's no root. The CBT-therapist has to directly attack the neurotic thoughts and expose their irrationality.

Of course, I don't want to discourage anyone from going to a therapist, but this is my big issue with psychotherapy: You have these two fundamentally different and incompatible approaches.

Which one is right? I can't give you an answer. I don't know. Maybe both, and it depends on the patient?

So instead of always aiming for this "100 % solution", which maybe you'll never achieve, you should in the meanwhile try to make your situation more tolerable.

What I know: those thoughts of shame will just cross your mind, it's unavoidable. But analytically thinking about them will make it worse. Don't try to engage them. Don't try to argue with them. Don't try to refute them. Try to "observe" them.

Now, the problem with this advice is that even this is understood mechanically, and then you'll make it worse. There is no mechanical technique you can apply. It's rather about training and cultivating a more relaxed attitude to your thoughts.

You cannot not think them, they're automatic, and that's fine. But you can choose to do something else than deliberately thinking about your thoughts. While thoughts are involuntary to some degree, complex thought and focus still takes effort and is voluntary.

By their nature, thoughts are fleeting, we get easily distracted or lose our train of thoughts. And you probably would agree this is true for all thoughts, except for your thoughts of shame.

If we give thoughts more importance, they become more intrusive and even more "important". It's such a cliché, but it really is like the Chinese finger trap, the harder you pull, the worse it gets. Of course, this is easier said than done; because your brain will try all kind of tricks to convince you that you have "a problem" that desperately needs a "solution" now and you must think about it.