Is this how friendships are...?

[Guest just_one_respite]

I struggle to make meaningful connections with people, namely, friendships. I know a couple of beautiful people I'm honoured to be able to call my friends. Because of my current situation I can only text them. Sometimes I feel resentful because they only initiate conversation when they're bored or depressed. They only share the major accomplishments with me and when I try to ask for details, they get distant. I feel horrible for thinking this, but I think I may just be a safe person to consult, and they want to celebrate the fun times with other people in their lives. Maybe it's a way for them to separate the good and bad parts of life?

I know this is a me problem. Maybe I'm taking this extra hard because as an aroace, I only have experience connecting with people platonically, and I don't have a support system outside of my friends. Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with gender & sexuality identity, and just that I have no idea how friendships work because I have lived a pretty isolated life, and never stayed in one place for too long. I don't know.

I'm working on focusing more on my own activities to build up support for myself within myself. Meanwhile, I wanted to know if others have had a similar experience...?

[HelloThere]

My family’s in the military so we’ve only ever been in one place for maybe 5 years. I’ve never built friendships that have been able to last too long outside of the place where I used to live, and friendships I gain at my current place seem spotty and sorta distant. I’m unsure if they’ll even last at all, and since I may be aroace I probably will only really get friendships so lacking them can possibly give me far more emotional damage. 

[Keith]

I'm not an expert at friendships, but I don't think it's how they're supposed to look like. Your friends shouldn't only talk to you when they're in a bad mood, because if they do, it means they're only taking advantage of you and your kindness. Yes, it's good that they trust you enough to share their problems with you, but it shouldn't be the only activity they engage you in. This kind of relationship definitely isn't healthy.

15 hours ago, Guest just_one_respite said:

I wanted to know if others have had a similar experience...?

I guess you could say that?? I mean I had a friend once, and although she considered me her best friend, we never actually did anything fun or something. She only talked to me when she was feeling low, or when her other friends couldn't hang out with her, but even then all she did was complain about herself.

[HelloThere]

1 minute ago, Keith said:

I'm not an expert at friendships, but I don't think it's how they're supposed to look like. Your friends shouldn't only talk to you when they're in a bad mood, because if they do, it means they're only taking advantage of you and your kindness. Yes, it's good that they trust you enough to share their problems with you, but it shouldn't be the only activity they engage you in. This kind of relationship definitely isn't healthy.

I guess you could say that?? I mean I had a friend once, and although she considered me her best friend, we never actually did anything fun or something. She only talked to me when she was feeling low, or when her other friends couldn't hang out with her, but even then all she did was complain about herself.

I’m often scared that I am that kind of person without realizing it. Even now I keep saying “I” this, “I” that. It’s annoying and I regret it so much.

[Keith]

On 5/15/2023 at 3:37 PM, HelloThere said:

I’m often scared that I am that kind of person without realizing it. Even now I keep saying “I” this, “I” that. It’s annoying and I regret it so much.

From what I know I definitely wouldn't call you this type of person!! So don't worry!! There's a significant difference between only talking about yourself, or only talking to someone when you need something from them, and just talking a lot.

[HelloThere]

3 hours ago, Keith said:

From what I know I definitely wouldn't call you this type of person!! So don't worry!! There's a significant difference between only talking about yourself, or only talking to someone when you need something from them, and just talking a lot.

Am I venturing into the “talking a lot” territory” or the “only talking about self” because those are the two I can see showing up in my real life. Or at least I’m more concerned it’s one of those two. XD

[SwiftySpeedy]

I do have a similar experience and I'm also worrying if there isn't a solution.

[Holmbo]

I probably wouldn't consider people I only interact with in text my friends because sharing a physical space with someone is really important for me for connection. But everyone is different, I'm sure many people can feel a platonic intimacy through text. If I were you I would talk to your friends about your friendship. For example first tell them that you consider them your friend and ask if they feel the same. Depending on what they answer you can go on to ask and tell what kind of things you'd want the friendship to mean

[Keith]

On 5/20/2023 at 2:12 PM, HelloThere said:

Am I venturing into the “talking a lot” territory” or the “only talking about self” because those are the two I can see showing up in my real life. Or at least I’m more concerned it’s one of those two. XD

I'd say that you're the "talking a lot" type of person.

[HelloThere]

3 minutes ago, Keith said:

I'd say that you're the "talking a lot" type of person.

Yeah maybe, socializing is just something pretty fun online so yeah I guess, I could understand that.