Please help

[Guest snowdrop]

Hi! It's my first time posting here and I will try to explain the whole situation.

Me and my boyfriend started dating almost 2 years ago. At the beginning of the relationship we experienced some troubles. He seemed very cold towards me physically, wouldn't hold my hand or hug me or kiss me. As I am a touchy person and also with a very low self-esteem, I talked to him about this. Then he started kissing me more, hugging me more, started taking initiative in touches. It wasn't very often, but it was enough for me. We also had some problems on the intimacy part. For our 1st year together, we were barely intimate. I was always in the mood and he was the opposite. We tried everytime but no success. I was very patient and always reassured him that it's not his fault and it was not bothering me. But I know he was very anxious and felt guilty about the whole situation. After a year, it happened, and we began being intimate often, a few times per week. I always let him initiaite when he felt comfortable. We both felt good any time it happened.

And it was so great for a while. Everything was good. A few days ago he texted me suddenly that he wants to break up. It was very out of nowhere and unexpected as there have been no signals. We met and he told me he realized he is aroace. And as I am a touchy person, he decided we should break up and remain best friends. I couldn't imagine just dropping a 2 year relationship so quickly. We are so compatible mentally and emotionally, we always helped and supported each other and never judged the other one.

I wanted to make this work and he said that a part of him wants us to continue, but we should be aware there are so many risks. I couldn't understand how for so long he could touch me and be intimate with me and now he can't do it anymore. He said that everything he did until now was genuine and felt good and he never felt forced to do anything. But he said that from now on, all he will do towards me in terms of physical contact will be fake and out of duty. He asked if I would be willing to continue knowing that. 

I researched and still do about what aroace means and support him 100% as I know this is hard for him as well. I tried to come up with some alternatives as to how we can make this work. I suggested couple therapy as I feel it will probably help us manage things better. He doesn't want that.

I talked to him about how we can compromise. Physical touch and intimacy are not hugely important to me, but I will still need them from time to time. He is not willing to compromise. He told me he is fine with me having intimacy with other people. 

I know he loves me in his own way and that he truly cares about me. He shows me that through acts of service, always taking care of me and listening to me. He confessed to me that he cares about me but is not attached to me. And it hurts to know that, as he said, his love for me is the same as his love for his mom or his other friends.

As we are so close I feel that it will hurt more if we go separate ways. And even if he reassured me we can still be friends, I doubt it will ever be the same and we don't want to lose each other.

Now things feel a little bit weird between us. I am not sure how to act. I always ask before I do something ,,can i hug you?" , ,,is it okay if we hold hands?". But it hurts so much knowing he doesn't want or feel to do any and he only does them for me.

I am willing to make this work. He wants us to work as well. But I am not sure how I can make things easier. He is very indifferent and won't allow himself to feel emotions (either positive or negative). He confessed that even if it were for us to either continue or go separate ways, he would have been ok with both outcomes and it would have been the same for him. He said that no matter what I do towards him, it doesn't bother him and even if I don't do something he is fine with that as well.

So yes, I support him and do my research, I respect his boundaries, and show how much I love him all the time but these don't matter to him. If I were to do the complete opposite, he would still be fine. He said he doesn't feel the need to love or to be loved.

I am not sure how to make this work and what can I do to make things work as I feel he doesn't really care about what happens. He gives us only a 10% chance of working out so he is not optimistic while I want to think that everythig will be okay.

Thank you a lot if you made it until here for reading through all of this. I want to see what other people think or might suggest. As I am not aroace, I would appreciate to see how someone who is will perceive this. No matter how much I know my boyfriend, I don't know 100% what he thinks. I appreciate any kind of response. Thank you a lot!

[illumi]

ok. i think i might understand. the main takeaway from his behavior might be that

• hes touch averse as he not only dislikes romantic intimacy he also shy away from smth as simple as holding hands
• he might just have a lack of emotions in general; which is smth i also experience. idk what im feeling half the time and if im even feeling anything; i feel indifferent and fine with p much everything that happens

since he has no desire to be in a romantic relationship then dont try to pursue it; u said that he loves u platonically like how he feels abt his family and friends so yall should stay friends since both of u are ok with that. theres nothing much to work out anymore; all u have to do is try to be a good friend and accept him as he is. as much as ur love tells u otherwise u have to remove urself from within that mindset since it will only stress u out; try to see him as an acquaintance; a friend. someone who ure not obliged to be really intimate with both physically and emotionally; someone u can just talk to. then slowly move on from him afterwards. thats it

if u keep trying to make it work out romantically then it will only hurt u more in the long run. take it as a grain of salt but thats what id do anyway; its not a 100% healthy dynamic yall has

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

I think you should move on. It's great that you're supportive of him, and I understand that you still like him romantically, but from what you've described it seems like he's just not capable of reciprocating your feelings. Why stay in a relationship that's not fulfilling your needs? Sometimes people just aren't compatible, and that's fine. I think both you and him would be better off if you two stayed as friends but not romantic partners, and instead you find someone who's more suited to your needs.

[EternallyTBD]

As an aroace, I see platonic love as one of the most important things I experience (on the same level of other kinds of love, not romantic or sexual for me obviously though). Which isn’t to say “love is what makes us human” or anything like that but I highly value the kinds of love I experience in my life. If he loves you platonically and is aroace, that probably still means that he loves you a whole lot, and in an equally if not more important way to him. 
 

As someone who forced themself to think a close instance of platonic love was romantic, I might be able to help you understand what he’s saying, too. I very much would have been physically affectionate with the person I had a supposed crush on, because I was sure that was what I wanted. And I probably would have enjoyed it. But knowing now who I am, that that’s not my priority or even something I vaguely want, I have a totally different attitude toward it. 

[hemogoblin]

One of the hardest things to learn in life, especially regarding relationships, is that you can truly and genuinely love them and still not be compatible in a certain relationship type with them (or even any relationship type). Plenty of exes are great friends, but it does often take time to rebuild a friendship as you heal from any hurt and navigate new boundaries. Love is simply not enough to make a relationship work. It also takes effort, energy, compatibility, and an incredible deal of luck.

This makes sense to me:

13 hours ago, Guest snowdrop said:

Now things feel a little bit weird between us. I am not sure how to act.

Considering the above. Even though you haven't changed the relationship label/type yet, there has been a fundamental shift in the relationship. It was weird when things first began, but perhaps in a different way, as you two explored what an intimate relationship meant for each of you together. It is weird now because you're discovering what things could be and are like now knowing the new things about his feelings and desires.

13 hours ago, Guest snowdrop said:

I am not sure how to make this work and what can I do to make things work as I feel he doesn't really care about what happens.

And if a relationship is going to work between you two, then the best person to have these conversations with is him. Any relationship takes maintenance. Even if doesn't care about certain actions or opening the relationship, if he is involved in a relationship with you, then he needs to be involved. If he's okay with continued physical contact, then he needs to be involved in discussions of what sort of physical contact, when, and how he would want you to approach it. He needs to be able to say what he doesn't want, isn't comfortable with, or is on the fence about.

And if he's totally removed/shut down/refuses to decide any direction of the relationship...then to me, it sounds like he feels that breaking up is best but is too scared of hurting you to say it out loud. Unfortunately for him, his passivity is only dragging out and prolonging the hurt.

Now, this is something I want you to spend some time thinking on, even though it's uncomfortable and scary:

13 hours ago, Guest snowdrop said:

But it hurts so much knowing he doesn't want or feel to do any and he only does them for me.

Are you actually, legitimately happy and satisfied in a relationship with someone who does not return your feelings or desires? Or are you just scared of losing what you had with him and what you thought you would continue to have?

Some aros (and aroaces) do want relationships, and there are people out there who are perfectly happy with that. It's okay if you're not one of those people. It is important to a lot of people that the person they're in a relationship with also experiences attraction to them.

Regardless, whether you continue dating, break up and work on a friendship, or completely part ways, know that:

• It will take time. You don't have to have all the answers now. It doesn't have to be not-weird already. It will take time to process your feelings and navigate this new chapter of your life.
• It's not a failure. Many things happen in life. Some are good, some are neutral, some are bad. There is no way to not ever experience any pain or hurt or heartbreak. Whether with him or with others, you'll go through all of these. These are not failures. They are a part of life. You will pick up and move on, and that's not a betrayal. It's what you have to do for yourself.
• It's okay if it's hard and difficult and scary and sad. Sometimes hard and/or difficult and/or sad things lead to great things. For instance, breaking up could lead you to a person you are far more compatible and therefore satisfied with. Plants bloom in all kinds of situations, not just perfect, sunny ones.

Best of luck.