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friends and romance...

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sometimes, with certain people, I look at them and I feel like I'm supposed to be falling in love with them or something. but I just am not. 


ironically these people are always someone who I just automatically feel close to as a friend. I trust them a lot easier, forgive them a lot quicker if they misstep my turst, I am open with them and don't feel stressed with them nearby. I don't get tired of them, and if I am tired in general I actually make an effort to still be social with them and feel good about that, instead of feeling forced or just not bothering, like I would with other people. 


and it gets uncomfortable tbh. I feel like I'm supposed to be confessing romantic feelings for them. but in my head the only words are, "I don't feel romantically towards you at all!" and that's not very romantic lmao. 


but it is like. what do I do? the closer I feel to this person, the more I worry that they might feel something romantic for me, and hate myself for not feeling romantic back. I star playing this "game" in my head where I watch what they say to see if they feel something for me. and a more common pattern is... to get a sense that they do, and then as our friendship evolves, they start to become sad subtly around me and grow distant instead of closer. which I assume is because I am just a friend to them, that they can tell they feel unrequited love lol. so nowadays if I have a friend like this. I run away from them because if we get close I'll lose them anyway. I mean that is what I "learned" 


it's even at a point where. even though I know I am aromantic, if I have chemistry with a person (as in friendship/getting along) I feel unsure and hesitant because I perceive them as a romantic interest. not someone who I feel romantically I mean, or who feels that way for me necessarily, just even when it should be clear we are just friends. I am uncomfortable and untrusting, because of all the times someone who should have been just friends got hurt or hurt me because of romantic subtext. 




and the worst part is. I can't just go out and say "we're just frineds and no romance" because of the off chance that, as a demi, I do develop feelings, or as a companionate, for some reason we grow fond of each other anyway and want to be as a qpr. if I assume that the majority of new people are romantic. telling them romance is off the table, would erase those possibility altogether. 

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I get the same feeling (except that I am very, like VERY, aromantic) and I'm always afraid that they would develop romantic feelings towards me. I tend to react badly when someone confesses their love to me in a way or an other. I don't want to avoid them for it though... I feel like it would be a bit unfair to avoid a great friend just because they might feel something that I don't. Anyway, I just deal with this as it's just something that I'll have to go through many times in my life. It forces me to appreciate their friendship even more while it lasts.

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I thought I was the only one who did this--I'm glad to know that it's not just me! Sometimes it's kind of disconcerting, because I can often feel my normal romance repulsion slipping away in these situations and so it's kind of terrifying in a way to think that if the person ever showed interest I might not actually run screaming for the hills, because that's very much my normal modus operandi when it comes to that sort of thing. But mostly I just like to see it as having the best of both worlds--not only do I get to be happy from being around the person, but I also don't have to worry about the tension of a possible romantic aspect (at least not on my end), though I suppose it's different for me in that respect because I'm flamboyantly aro rather than demi. 

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