Questioning

[Samantha Kaut]

Hi! I plan to not make this post long, but that might be hard because my brain always side tracks :') All my life, I thought I experienced crushes, which is still something I am confused about. Looking back, I had very few crushes, and something I struggle with is that i don't even know how to explain a crush to myself. It doesn't help that now I'm questioning if what I experienced were crushes. The only person I can look back on and say I had a "crush" on was my childhood guy best friend. I knew him since we were babies and we always hung out when we were young, but he moved away for a few years (eventually came back) and we lost that connection. By then I had my friends and he had his friends. Fast forward, the crushes I had (throughout elementary, middle and high school) were very short and they were based on looks? It was more just like I thought they were cute. I honestly can't even remember a lot of them. Now, I am a Junior in college, still haven't had that many crushes, however, I have definitely found guys attractive. I don't know if I am on the aromantic spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person or if I'm just afraid to put myself out there. It's honestly a journey and I know it's okay to use labels to help you and then realize that maybe they don't suit you. It doesn't help that I get anxious and depressed easily and this is a really emotional topic for me. What are your experiences and how did you come to terms with your sexual and romantic orientation?

[Isa1116]

Personally, I still haven't come to terms with who I am. I still doubt myself, but I really hope you can figure it out!

But I think some of your crushes you mentioned might be aesthetic crushes? 🤔

[AroAcedragon15]

Luckily for me it didn't take long for me to accept myself.I spent a few nights on google finding and researching things and almost instantly realized I was aro. I found asexuality but at first I believed I was too young to be ace then I just decided to use it and see where that takes me. Whenever I question whether I'm bi or gay or some other orientation I ask myself if I like girls/boys and it's always an instant no. I've stuck with this label for 10 months now and I'm really confident in it. I'd just research and if something feels right try it. I thought I had maybe 2 crushes in elementary but looking back I just thought they were cool and wanted to be friends. 

2 hours ago, Isa1116 said:

But I think some of your crushes you mentioned might be aesthetic crushes?

I agree it does sound like aesthetic attraction. Aesthetic attraction is tricky but something I saw on a video once about aesthetic attraction is if you think someone is pretty compare it to a nice bookshelf or something really pretty if they kind of feel the same then it's probably aesthetic attraction.(I probably butchered that explanation but I hope you get the idea.)

[Ravensplat]

I think you have stumbled into the biggest problem with working out if you are Aromantic, Asexual, or both. 'How do you find the absence of something you never had?' It is really difficult and I have my days where I wonder if I'm faking all of it or if it's all just some late blooming/hormone issue or something. What I can say now is that I have less of those days and honestly that's all I can hope for. 

One thing that helped me solidify some of it was a book called Loveless by Alice Oseman. There were some great descriptions and advice in there which helped me realise AroAce was right for me however if were honest this is probably just a me thing and I can in now way guarantee it will help. 

I will reiterate what others have said as well, look into Aesthetic attraction to see if that matches what you feel. Also Demiromantic may describe what you were having with your childhood friend. However if the labels are what causing you issues maybe try being label-less for a bit. I'm sure you know this but you don't have to label anything especially if it is making you anxious. If you have any more questions feel free to ask here or Private Message me if you have any more questions you would prefer in a less social sphere for any reason at all. 

[hemogoblin]

3 hours ago, Samantha Kaut said:

I don't know if I am on the aromantic spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person or if I'm just afraid to put myself out there.

Which answer feels best to you? Which one do you most want to be the answer?

[Keith]

The crushes you mentioned, not counting your childhood bestfriend, seem like aesthetic crushes to me. From what I know, those crushes aren't necessarily romantic or sexual, so even people that don't experience any romantic and/or sexual attraction can experience them! 

Although please keep in mind that both, aromanticism and asexualism are spectrums, so you can experience romantic/sexual attraction while being aromantic/asexual (or both). 

I recommend you to do a little research about aromanticism/asexualism. You might find some labels that you'll be able to relate to!! I hope you can figure it out!

Edited April 2, 2023 by Keith

[Samantha Kaut]

On 3/31/2023 at 3:18 PM, Isa1116 said:

Personally, I still haven't come to terms with who I am. I still doubt myself, but I really hope you can figure it out!

But I think some of your crushes you mentioned might be aesthetic crushes? 🤔

Hi! I 100% understand where you are coming from. I think doubt will always be there and it's hard because as humans, I feel like we look for security in who we are and just a simple answer, but that's rarely how it is. As cheesy as it is, be yourself and do what is comfortable but also uncomfortable! Challenge yourself and if you mess up it's okay! I'm personally not a fan of labels because I don't want them to describe me. Also, yes!! I do experience aesthetic crushes. I've just never been romantically (at least that I know of) attracted to someone. Thank you so much for your response, and I send you lots of encouragement as well :)

On 3/31/2023 at 5:36 PM, AroAcedragon13 said:

Luckily for me it didn't take long for me to accept myself.I spent a few nights on google finding and researching things and almost instantly realized I was aro. I found asexuality but at first I believed I was too young to be ace then I just decided to use it and see where that takes me. Whenever I question whether I'm bi or gay or some other orientation I ask myself if I like girls/boys and it's always an instant no. I've stuck with this label for 10 months now and I'm really confident in it. I'd just research and if something feels right try it. I thought I had maybe 2 crushes in elementary but looking back I just thought they were cool and wanted to be friends. 

I agree it does sound like aesthetic attraction. Aesthetic attraction is tricky but something I saw on a video once about aesthetic attraction is if you think someone is pretty compare it to a nice bookshelf or something really pretty if they kind of feel the same then it's probably aesthetic attraction.(I probably butchered that explanation but I hope you get the idea.)

Thank you so much for your input! This is actually a really good explanation and I will think back to it more! :) I feel like I may be on the spectrum, where exactly I'm not sure! I think I questioned myself if I was bi or if I liked girls in high school, but I never really felt the same attraction. For women, it was definitely more of an admiration, but for guys it is more of an attraction. But for some reason, I always get uncomfortable when someone asks me if I am talking to someone or if there's anyone I'm interested in. I don't know why, but I've felt like that for a while. I think because I might feel like a pressure and like I should, but I also am just someone who doubts myself a lot! I hope all is well :)

[Samantha Kaut]

On 3/31/2023 at 6:00 PM, Ravensplat said:

I think you have stumbled into the biggest problem with working out if you are Aromantic, Asexual, or both. 'How do you find the absence of something you never had?' It is really difficult and I have my days where I wonder if I'm faking all of it or if it's all just some late blooming/hormone issue or something. What I can say now is that I have less of those days and honestly that's all I can hope for. 

One thing that helped me solidify some of it was a book called Loveless by Alice Oseman. There were some great descriptions and advice in there which helped me realise AroAce was right for me however if were honest this is probably just a me thing and I can in now way guarantee it will help. 

I will reiterate what others have said as well, look into Aesthetic attraction to see if that matches what you feel. Also Demiromantic may describe what you were having with your childhood friend. However if the labels are what causing you issues maybe try being label-less for a bit. I'm sure you know this but you don't have to label anything especially if it is making you anxious. If you have any more questions feel free to ask here or Private Message me if you have any more questions you would prefer in a less social sphere for any reason at all. 

Hi! Thank you so much :') I'm sorry that you have to go through that. Just remember, you are not faking how you feel. I get that and completely understand that feeling where you feel like you are sure of yourself, but you question if you are just making it up. I don't think you are making up how you feel at all. If you resonate with the label and what it means, that means something. I also think that that doubt and wondering can be intrusive thoughts, and I experience that as well. Just think of it as thoughts and not facts! I know it's hard because we compare ourselves to society and even the people closest to us, but that's the worst thing you can do. 

Also, thank you for the book recommendation, I will definitely check that out :) I do want to check out labels more, I think I just get so overwhelmed by them. I think going label-less would definitely be helpful for me. I do want to explore demiromanticism and demisexuality more because I feel like I resonate with the labels.

Again, thank you so much for your insight :)

On 3/31/2023 at 6:45 PM, hemogoblin said:

Which answer feels best to you? Which one do you most want to be the answer?

Deep down, I want to love someone romantically and be in a romantic relationship. However, I have never been in love with or romantically liked someone. Because of this, I question if I am aromantic or on the spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person, or if I'm possibly demiromantic. I don't know what answer/label feels best for me because I'm afraid of allowing it to completely describe me.

On 4/1/2023 at 8:15 AM, Keith said:

The crushes you mentioned, not counting your childhood bestfriend, seem like aesthetic crushes to me. From what I know, those crushes aren't necessarily romantic or sexual, so even people that don't experience any romantic and/or sexual attraction can experience them! 

Although please keep in mind that both, aromanticism and asexualism are spectrums, so you can experience romantic/sexual attraction while being aromantic/asexual (or both). 

I recommend you to do a little research about aromanticism/asexualism. You might find some labels that you'll be able to relate to!! I hope you can figure it out!

Thank you so much for reminding me that is is a spectrum. I always forget that you can be on the spectrum and still experience romantic/sexual or any other attraction.

[hemogoblin]

On 4/2/2023 at 3:04 PM, Samantha Kaut said:

Deep down, I want to love someone romantically and be in a romantic relationship. However, I have never been in love with or romantically liked someone. Because of this, I question if I am aromantic or on the spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person, or if I'm possibly demiromantic. I don't know what answer/label feels best for me because I'm afraid of allowing it to completely describe me.

Why do you feel this would "completely" describe you? Are you not a human being full of nuance who will go through lots of growth and change as a natural result of time and experience? Would you tell a friend that once they picked a label, they HAD to stick to that forever and always as long as they lived and beyond?