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Samantha Kaut

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  • Name
    Sam
  • Orientation
    Straight, Possibly Ace/Aro
  • Gender
    Female
  • Pronouns
    She/her

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  1. I 100% agree with the statement above. At the end of the day, no one else can determine how you feel and no one can invalidate how you feel. Sadly, we do live in a world where people will invalidate how you feel, but just remember to embrace the uncertainty. It's so easy to compare yourself to your friends and their experiences, but how is that supposed to help you? i am in the same boat as you. I would like to say i have had crushes, and I consider them crushes, but since there was never a romantic relationship that came out of it, i constantly question if i am on the aromantic spectrum. I've never craved a romantic relationship with someone or had a deep desire for one. don't worry too much about the past and focus on the present and who you meet! Become more aware of your desires and what you want to experience and stick to that, because you are a human and your experience is valid (I need to take my own advice lol!)
  2. Hi! Thank you so much :') I'm sorry that you have to go through that. Just remember, you are not faking how you feel. I get that and completely understand that feeling where you feel like you are sure of yourself, but you question if you are just making it up. I don't think you are making up how you feel at all. If you resonate with the label and what it means, that means something. I also think that that doubt and wondering can be intrusive thoughts, and I experience that as well. Just think of it as thoughts and not facts! I know it's hard because we compare ourselves to society and even the people closest to us, but that's the worst thing you can do. Also, thank you for the book recommendation, I will definitely check that out :) I do want to check out labels more, I think I just get so overwhelmed by them. I think going label-less would definitely be helpful for me. I do want to explore demiromanticism and demisexuality more because I feel like I resonate with the labels. Again, thank you so much for your insight :) Deep down, I want to love someone romantically and be in a romantic relationship. However, I have never been in love with or romantically liked someone. Because of this, I question if I am aromantic or on the spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person, or if I'm possibly demiromantic. I don't know what answer/label feels best for me because I'm afraid of allowing it to completely describe me. Thank you so much for reminding me that is is a spectrum. I always forget that you can be on the spectrum and still experience romantic/sexual or any other attraction.
  3. Hi! I 100% understand where you are coming from. I think doubt will always be there and it's hard because as humans, I feel like we look for security in who we are and just a simple answer, but that's rarely how it is. As cheesy as it is, be yourself and do what is comfortable but also uncomfortable! Challenge yourself and if you mess up it's okay! I'm personally not a fan of labels because I don't want them to describe me. Also, yes!! I do experience aesthetic crushes. I've just never been romantically (at least that I know of) attracted to someone. Thank you so much for your response, and I send you lots of encouragement as well :) Thank you so much for your input! This is actually a really good explanation and I will think back to it more! :) I feel like I may be on the spectrum, where exactly I'm not sure! I think I questioned myself if I was bi or if I liked girls in high school, but I never really felt the same attraction. For women, it was definitely more of an admiration, but for guys it is more of an attraction. But for some reason, I always get uncomfortable when someone asks me if I am talking to someone or if there's anyone I'm interested in. I don't know why, but I've felt like that for a while. I think because I might feel like a pressure and like I should, but I also am just someone who doubts myself a lot! I hope all is well :)
  4. Hi! I plan to not make this post long, but that might be hard because my brain always side tracks :') All my life, I thought I experienced crushes, which is still something I am confused about. Looking back, I had very few crushes, and something I struggle with is that i don't even know how to explain a crush to myself. It doesn't help that now I'm questioning if what I experienced were crushes. The only person I can look back on and say I had a "crush" on was my childhood guy best friend. I knew him since we were babies and we always hung out when we were young, but he moved away for a few years (eventually came back) and we lost that connection. By then I had my friends and he had his friends. Fast forward, the crushes I had (throughout elementary, middle and high school) were very short and they were based on looks? It was more just like I thought they were cute. I honestly can't even remember a lot of them. Now, I am a Junior in college, still haven't had that many crushes, however, I have definitely found guys attractive. I don't know if I am on the aromantic spectrum or if I just haven't met the right person or if I'm just afraid to put myself out there. It's honestly a journey and I know it's okay to use labels to help you and then realize that maybe they don't suit you. It doesn't help that I get anxious and depressed easily and this is a really emotional topic for me. What are your experiences and how did you come to terms with your sexual and romantic orientation?
  5. Hi!! I agree with Ted above^ I think my experiences are also limited but from what I have experienced (whether they are squishes/crushes/fantasies I've made up in my head), when you have a crush, you can't wait to see that person. You feel excitement, nervous, maybe anxious, etc. It is important to know that it is different for everyone. I think I have definitely had squishes/crushes (I don't know what to call them) but part of me wants to call them crushes because I get those feelings whenever I find someone really cute and physically appealing to me. Also as Ted said, it's exciting thinking about that person. I also get a feeling of wanting to connect with that person. I think my feelings end there though. I've never really pictured myself in a relationship. I don't think I crave one, and if at times I do, I think it can come from a place of insecurity. I've never felt romantic attraction towards somebody, if that makes sense. But I am sure that I have felt squishes/crushes. I hope this helps! But also remember that it is different for everyone and there is no one-size-fits-all :)
  6. I think what made me question was a lot of things lol! - The first guy I ever really had a "thing" with, I talked to him because I felt like I should? More than I wanted to. I felt like I was holding some big secret from him and I at the time didn't understand how I felt, but I knew I wasn't attracted to him and I had to break things off before things went further. - All of my "crushes" have been mainly aesthetic and more of me fantasizing about a relationship, rather than actually being attracted to them - I really don't care about not talking to anyone. I don't feel the need to be in a relationship with someone. - I've had so many celebrity/tv/movie crushes because it's 1) aesthetic 2) just the idea - Omg lmao. i remember in middle school I went to the movie theater, I think I was with someone? But for the moment I was alone. Someone came up to me and asked me if i believed in love at first sight and I was just in shock LMAO and was like yoooo buddy I have no clue
  7. Hi! My name is Samantha but I go by Sam or Sammy! I just wanted to talk about my experience with my sexual/romantic orientation to get an outside perspective and make some sense of it. I feel like when it comes to me trying to understand my sexual and romantic orientation, I just end up going through a whole identity crisis where I then experience anxiety and am like 'omg, who am I?' Which is ironic because I feel like I should have the answers but honestly I'm as confused as one can be. Just a warning, this will be kind of long so I don't expect you to understand everything. Also, please correct me if I'm using any terms incorrectly, I want to learn! I think the first time I came in contact with the term "Asexual" was in Senior year of High School. But, I first want to give background information from before learning about the sexuality. In Senior year of High School, I got asked out for the first time by a boy in one of my classes. I remember he sent me a Direct Message on instagram and was talking about something from the class. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went because it has been about 2-3 since but eventually we exchanged phone numbers. We texted a lot and I was just going with the flow and what I thought I should do. Eventually, he asked me out and I literally can't remember how I felt; whether I was excited, happy, anxious. But I accepted, because the whole time I was thinking: 'I think this is what I'm supposed to do.' 'I've never been on a date, I should accept.' But I don't think I really wanted to go on the date? I don't even remember if he said date but we went to to see a movie and he didn't make a move, which I don't think bothered me, but for some reason I felt like I should l try to make a move? I decided to lean my head on his shoulder, but I don't think it was because I wanted to. I think I felt some type of pressure. After that 'date,' we continued to see each other, but we never talked about what we were. He was also the first person I ever engaged in sexual activity with. But fast forward, I kept thinking about what I was doing and getting myself into. The more I though about what I was doing, I got uncomfortable. I wasn't really attracted to him physically, and I feel awful about leading him on, which was never my intention. Eventually, after this lasting for about a month or a little over, I convinced myself I needed to end things, because I felt like I should. I didn't want to lead him on more and I felt uncomfortable. To be more specific, it was like an ick feeling that I got the more that I thought about what I was doing. I remember somehow my teacher knew and I was like omg noooooo. No one can know and I felt so uncomfortable. But after this experience, this was when I did research about sexuality, and Asexuality made so much sense to me. I even opened up to one my best friends about the way that I felt, and she was so understanding. Later on in Senior year, I started working and I found one of my coworkers really attractive. At the time, I think I had a crush because I wanted to talk to him and I felt like I could just always look at him, but that is just aesthetics. This was also the first time I acted upon a crush. I remember talking to my best friend about him and asking her what I should do because it was the first time I had ever felt the way I felt. I literally looked at the work schedule to find out when he was working so I could try and get the same shift. Ahh embarrassing. I did not have this job for a long time because it was right before the pandemic started, but on the last day of work, I remember I made an effort to talk to him a lot. I also promised myself I would give him my phone number before I left. This last shift, I remember I felt more 'attracted' to him as I kept talking to him. I felt like we vibed very well and like our conversations flowed very well. I felt nervous but like a good nervous. I also think I felt butterflies with him, which I've never experienced with someone else. Maybe those weren't butterflies, but it's been so long since I've felt like that, I haven't been able to decipher. Before I left my job that night, I wrote my phone number on a piece of paper and slipped it under his water bottle, and immediately felt a rush of adrenaline and kind of like wow, I can't believe I did that. We started to text a lot and my intention at the time was to get to know him more. I think was the first time I ever fantasized being in a relationship with someone or something more with and I wasn't uncomfortable with the idea. I kept thinking everything was going well so this meant we would eventually be something more. We eventually hang out for the first time, and since this was right at the pandemic, there wasn't much to do. So all we did was hang outside, walk around and talked for most of the day. The more we talked and the more time we spent together, the more intrigued I was. We eventually hung out again not too long after and this time, I felt like my 'crush' or attraction towards him was growing. On the bus ride back home, I rested my head on his shoulder, and I don't remember it being anything magical, but it felt right and I enjoyed it. He walked me home as well and he grabbed my hand and I liked it as well, but I don't think I felt butterflies. This was the last time we see each other because people were beginning to quarantine and I wanted to protect my family as well as protect his. So we continued to text, talk over phone, and occasionally watched movies together. At the time, this meant so much to me. I thought this was my time to actually experience and feel something and I was so obsessed and excited for the idea of falling in love. However, as time progressed, I felt like I was reaching out to him more than he was to me. I also started to feel like I was living in a fantasy. Eventually, I talk to him on the phone to question how he felt, and he told me he couldn't be anything more for the time being. I remember, at this point I was so ready to tell him how I felt at the time. But I saw a future with him so I decided to stay silent and give him space. I think I went almost a month without talking to him but I couldn't stop thinking about him, the times we hung out and talked and overall how I felt. I reached out to him about a month after because I didn't know where things were gonna go, however, he made it clear that he didn't want to really talk to me and I remember I felt hurt. We proceeded to text and I remember he basically in simplest terms said he just didn't want anything with me. I told him how I felt, and part of me now wishes I never deleted those messages to see how I felt at the time. But I'm also glad I didn't save those messages because I feel like I would've constantly been going back to look at those messages and it would've hurt me more. After that, we never talked again because I felt so hurt and incapable of being friends with him. It was my first real rejection which definitely was painful. I think the hardest thing about this experience was the fact that it happened right when a pandemic was starting, and no one really knew how to deal with it. I really did fall into a hole of depression and kinda lost myself right before going to college. Then throughout the rest of quarantine before I went to college, as well as the first semester fo Freshman year; that was probably the loneliest I had ever felt. I didn't have too many friends on campus. I felt lost and at times still hurt. But it was more of just like a lonely feeling and thinking I wasn't going to get out of that hole I was in. Fast forward to the second semester, I eventually break out of my shell and meet so many more people. I felt like I was finally growing even though the whole time I had been growing. I felt so empowered and better about myself now that I had been breaking out of my shell. Since the 'crush' I had on the guy at my job, I haven't felt like that towards anyone else. I've found people attractive and a couple times tried to see where something would go, but it just ended up in me not feeling comfortable. The first guy I was talking to I met on Tinder and he was really sweet. We had really interesting conversations and had similar interests. We both talked a lot about meditation and spirituality and I felt like that was something we really bonded over. We eventually met in person and I thought he was really cute. However, overtime, the more we talked, the more I started to get anxious and wonder whether or not I really liked him. If I felt all of this doubt, I don't really know why I kept talking to him. I don't really know why I kept talking to him or even think about possibly being more with him if I had so much doubt. Eventually, he asked if I was interested in being something more than we were, but I freaked out and told him I couldn't. I told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship and that I was still finding out who I was. He understood me, but I don't think I still understand myself. I feel broken and I wish things weren't always so gray. I wish I knew my intentions better and knew what I wanted so I could have black and white answers. But for a while now, I haven't been sure of what I want. And it doesn't help that I tend to overthink things in the first place. Not that long after, I meet a guy in my friend group who I thought was cute for like a split second. I think the reason it was easy for me to move on was because I had already spent so much time overthinking about how I felt the previous guy. I got the chance to talk to him when we were hanging out with our friend group, and I don't know if I'm flirty but I think sometimes I can come off as I am because I tease people a lot, but it's something I need to be more careful of. Because I know some people take it as flirting but for me, it's just something I naturally do. But going back to the story, he asks me out and I really don't know why I said yes. Like I wanted to!! I really wanted to talk more and hangout, but his plan was to watch anime at his place at night. When he asked me out, I didn't think too much of it but the next day, it's like it came into my awareness more and I started to freak out. I was like fuck no. What am I getting myself into? Does he see this as a hookup? But I felt bad if I were to have cancelled so I still went because I convinced myself I could keep it under control and just talk. Fast forward (lol, I've said this like 10 thousand times), we got into his place and I immediately felt uncomfortable. His room was small and the only place to sit was on a bed and I felt all my anxiety creep in. But I sucked it up and tried my best to remain calm. If I could've told myself in the past to not go, I would have because I believe our intuition is right most of the time and if we don't want to do something or if we feel anxious about it, we shouldn't have to. Later that same night, he asks me if I want to cuddle and I remember I just froze. I felt repulsed but I was also already extremely anxious and I think that affected me as well. I was also scared if that would lead to anything else and I just didn't feel comfortable. He said it was ok and didn't pressure me at all, which I'm grateful for (lol the bare minimum) but I could tell the vibe was different. He seemed uninterested and didn't really know how to keep the conversation going. Overall, since my coworker, I haven't felt like that and I've been in a constant state of overthinking. I thought I liked someone else, but I didn't. I think I confuse genuine care and appreciation for someone as feelings. I'm glad I didn't act upon him because he's one of my good guy friends and I wouldn't want to lose him. I think I might have had a "squish" on him. I find him attractive but I don't really see anything between us. Whenever I identify being asexual/aromantic to myself, I feel a relief. I feel like things make more sense to me, and I feel like I can relate to something. But I still battle with the idea of falling in love and it's something that at times I wish I could feel. The little girl in me is like yes!! It sounds amazing. But, I feel like I can't. I don't feel capable of falling in love and I get scared to use labels because I don't want to lie to myself and miss out on opportunities or experiences. Ahh it's so confusing, but again I don't expect to be fully understood. This is something I must find out and only I can really know but I just wanted to get an outside perspective and see if I could relate to anyone!
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