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Advice for coming out


Loveless Lizard

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I don't really have any advice, because I didn't do an actual coming out, but the thing that I would recommend to have in mind is that people often don't understand how aromantism/asexuality works. Therefore your coming out may end up in you turning into a dictionary... Or people saying that "don't worry, you'll find someone".

I'm not giving you a nice image, but... Everyone is different, some people are really accepting and it's lovely to be around that know this part of you.

I send you all my platonic love !

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Some advice: be ready with a definition on hand, and answers for any question they ask (and they WILL ask questions), but don't be afraid to refer them to the internet for anything you don't know/don't really want to say. And be patient! They won't have heard of aromanticism before, but hopefully they'll want to understand and support you.

Good luck!

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ooh i vividly remember when i came out to my parents, though it was over 7 years ago.  i was also nervous even though they're cool.  give them the words, tell them what they mean.  tell them this is how you feel--can give some detail about how you came to identify this way, how long it took to explore/accept, etc. to illustrate that it's not some whim.  explain that it's an orientation, not an attitude/choice regarding relationships.  (my mom said, without bad intentions, something to the effect that she "wasn't too worried about dating at 17 either".  not the same as being aro.)  maybe put it in terms they can understand, like "you know how you (mom) aren't attracted to men, and you (dad) aren't attracted to women?  yeah, me either."  lol something like that.  and the last thing is not something which can happen in that one conversation: time.  like, my parents have now seen me living my life as an aro person for many years, it's not just something i've said, it's something i've done.  you know?  best wishes.

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I did it! I mentioned how love triangles were really dumb and unnecessary and then my mom said “well what if you like someone and then your friend starts dating them” (do people actually lose friendships over this?) so I decided to just say it then. They took it pretty well but they kept saying how they didn’t have crushes when they were my age either and how I might fall in love later in my life. It was a little annoying cause I already know that your orientation can change throughout your life and have acknowledged that it might. Do you guys think 13 is too young to know if you’re aromantic? I get that some people don’t get crushes until they’re older but my cousin is the same age as me and he has a girlfriend, and my friend’s brother is like in third grade or something (I don’t know how old he is) and he has a new crush like every week. Sorry I’m rambling a little I just want to know if maybe it was too soon to say I’m aro because I’m so young.

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It's hard to pinpoint when romantic attraction really begins forming with kids, but sexual attraction is easier to tell, which develops typically in early puberty (on average between 11 - 12). While many children's games are more kids trying to figure out what they're observing in the adults in their lives than feeling an adult version of these feelings (see passing cooties on the playground in exploring romantic crushes), certainly there is some form of these feelings that can begin developing during the single digit ages. (I remember having my one and only childhood crush when I was around 7.) It makes sense that romantic attraction would begin at least around the age of sexual attraction.

But if you're old enough to be considering these feelings/identities, you're old enough to to identify with them. The age you start thinking about this stuff is the age it's relevant to you.

My mom also told me the same thing when I came out as asexual at 16. I'm in my 30s now and never once developed any sexual attraction. I'm glad your parents weren't outwardly violent, but I am sorry they did not respect you enough to listen to you and that they put doubt in your head. Even if things change later, that doesn't mean you're invalid now or wrong (or too young) for identifying as aromantic. Labels can change overtime. This never invalidates you.

No, you are not too young to know you're aro. Congrats on taking the plunge and coming out!

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Alright so my mom just talked to me and said she wasn’t trying to tell me I was wrong she just wanted to say her perspective on it. But she also mentioned she knows I’m a person with high standards “so it could just be that” And yesterday they both just kept saying over and over that it might change. But I feel like today she’s really accepting it. I don’t really know how to feel about it because I love my parents but it feels like she didn’t really get that being aro is something that I’m happy about. 

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It's totally okay to feel confused and conflicting feelings about her reaction. Some people just choose not to open up their mind and truly accept these things, unfortunately. I hope that she continues working on herself with time and is able to become the accepting parent you deserve.

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