Questions for Aromantics who are not asexual

[Ikarus]

Ok I will get right to the point, I have seen comments and posts around the internet from aroallos who all seem to describe a specific type of dilemma they face. The problem stems from amatonormativity which affect societal attitudes and even peoples moral views towards aroallos. Imagine that an aroallo that knows they are aro enter a new relationship with someone, tells them they are aro and the two communicate what they are comfortable with to each other. The other party knows that you are aro, everyone understands what that means for this relationship, and the persons consents to an aromantic relationship which operates like a friendship, qpr, etc. . The two also consent to have sex at times without the romantic bonds understanding the other cannot reciprocate romantically etc.

Now this is where the dilemma arises, consensual sex without the romantic implications is a big issue for many allos. I have heard different aroallos experiences about being judged for entering these relationships with others. Amatonormativity dictates that everyone who feels sexual attraction should also feel romantic attraction towards those they love. If an aroallo does not feel sexual attraction towards those people than these types of people are “selfish because they are only gratifying themselves and don’t love the other in a committed romantic relationship. Therefore they are taking advantage of others to fulfill their own needs which makes them either womanizers, makes woman sluts, and makes both dirty rotten scoundrels.”

This is essentially the societal view which escalates from everyone should feel romantic and sexual attraction to casting judgement to aroallos for not strictly conforming to this system. Even moral claims can be made, that these relationships are inappropriate, and taking part is abusive behavior, or if you do take part especially if you are a woman you are either the victim of an abuser or you are a slut. 

These are very different issues, and very different consequences that could be faced that I will never face because I am aroace.  Aroallo relationships with others can be potentially damaging to ones reputation, and these insults can be motivated by a very passionate moral vigor. I don’t have to face this same danger as an aroace, instead I would just get called confused or you have some type of mental / physical disorder (which aroallos will probably face as well), or a number of other things but not a moral condemnation and being treated like I am terrible human being... I don’t think I would have to face this problem with my relationships since I don’t want sex with anyone while being aromantic.  

The reaction that some people give to these relationships expose a different form of amatonormativity. I find it interesting how sex without romance can bring so many negative judgements, these two human experiences are probably very intertwined in many allos minds as the ideal relationship all should pursue. 

 Have you (aroallos) ever been judged for your relationships with others that involve sex without romantic attraction. A follow up question, do you feel that your family or friends would judge you for being in these type of relationships? I also don’t want to understate how important it is to state that you are either aro or won’t commit romantically before entering a consensual sexual relationship with someone because if there is no understanding from the beginning then people could feel very hurt. Aroallo sexual relationships is one of the reasons it is very important for aros to receive education about aromanticism while they are young so no one feels heartbroken later on.

Anyway I would love to hear your perspectives because I feel that aroallos don’t get enough attention, and I feel that aroallo sexual relationships have very specific type of issues that should be addressed because they apply specifically to them and no so much for aroaces like myself.

 

Edited June 7, 2022 by Ikarus

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Oh yeah, of course. My mom and brother called me a "heartless robot who only uses people for sex", and hell, I was a virgin back then and everyone knew it (I didn't really have friends and couldn't drive so logically there was no one I could've been banging, lol). Fortunately they seem to have figured out by now that I'm a normal ass person, but that comment did a lot of damage, and it's very much a viewpoint that's echoed in spirit by the rest of society.

As far as "being in a relationship" goes, though, I'm nonpartnering, as are plenty of other allo aros. I suppose I have someone I'm FWB (for lack of a better term) with, but it's less of a "this is a committed Relationship we have" and more "we're friends and we also like to do sexual things together sometimes", it's not a formal thing. But what I have definitely found is that regardless of whether or not you consider it a committed relationship, if you fuck someone there's always an assumption (from others) that at least one of you will develop romantic feelings for the other. In fact, if that does happen, it's seen as the other partner's responsibility to go out with them, and you can even be called manipulative, etc. for just... not being interested in someone romantically, even if you said from the beginning that you just want casual sex. I have to be really careful to make it extremely clear before I do anything with anyone that I am NOT interested in and will not provide anything romantic. Even then, I worry.

[DeltaAro]

11 hours ago, Ikarus said:

I also don’t want to understate how important it is to state that you are aromantic before entering a consensual sexual relationship with someone because if there is no understanding from the beginning then people could feel very hurt. Aroallo sexual relationships is one of the reasons it is very important for aros to receive education about aromanticism while they are young so no one feels heartbroken later on.

Does this work? I fear it's regarded as something between "What a weirdo!" and "Oh, that's the newest pick-up scheme?". 🙃 Any real-life experiences with this?

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

2 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Does this work? I fear it's regarded as something between "What a weirdo!" and "Oh, that's the newest pick-up scheme?". 🙃 Any real-life experiences with this?

Honestly I just don't usually tell people I'm looking to hook up with that I'm aro. Why should I? It's none of their damn business. Of course I'm up front about the fact that I absolutely will not participate in a romantic relationship, only casual sex, but whenever I tell anyone I'm aro the usual reactions range from "that's not a real thing" to "oh you'll change your mind someday", so. All they need to know is what I will and won't do, not what I am.

[Ikarus]

@Jot-Aro Kujo Your approach is understandable for that type of situation. If its casual sex meaning (unlikely to see each other again) then there’s really no consequence for keeping that type of info private. But if an aroallo is friends with the other then the situation can change.

I just want to give a potential reason for why aroallos saying their aro before fwb type situations could help in avoiding unnecessary drama. I vaguely talked about avoiding breaking other’s hearts but thats not very clear. I think saying you are aro is important with friendships rather than saying “I will not love you romantically”  (thats for casual sex). 

 

There is an Aroallo youtuber I have been watching for a while now (channel link: https://m.youtube.com/user/nikhampshire ) 

Anyway the guy Nik talks about awkward relationship situations where the other party expected him to begin feeling romantic attraction. He would have to remind the other person that he couldn’t reciprocate the feeling since he was aromantic. 

 Imagine that the other party will inevitably feel romantically towards you and want you to reciprocate romantically to them. 

If the other party knows that you are aromantic, and understands what that means from the beginning then telling them you’re aro is a reminder, not shocking news.

Although if the other party did not know you where incapable of being romantic no matter how good the sex, etc. there could be more drama.

People might want an aroallo because “hard to get” or “I can bring them around cause its not like this person can’t love romantically.”  Telling them that “you can’t love them romantically”, is very different from “you won’t love them romantically.” The latter has a possibility, however slight, that you may open up to them romantically if fate be willing. 

No hope of romance is a better message to give than false hope. If you don’t explicitly state your Aro and make an attempt to help them understand then they could feel heartbroken later on. Saying your aro from the get go could help avoid this drama by giving them realistic expectations. 

 

Just wanted to clarify why I think that and have an excuse for sharing an aro youtube channel. Nik is actually a fairly famous aro influencer / youtuber, he was on with Anthony Padilla, (the I talk to aros/furries/outcasts/internet celebs etc.) 

thanks for reading all of this if you did, I hope it was useful.
 

 

 

 

 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

I'm not quite sure you understand the backlash allo aros face. First of all, I shouldn't have to clarify whether I won't or can't have a romantic relationship- No. Means. No. I do not need to give a backstory to have my boundaries respected, and anyone who would try to get someone to change their mind about a boundary most likely has no intentions of respecting it regardless of the reason given. Secondly, did you miss the part about being called a heartless monster who only uses people for sex? That's what people say when you tell them you're allo aro, most of the time. It's not understandable or respectable to allos. If I'm already friends with someone, and they already know I'm aro, and we end up getting sexual with each other, great. If I arrange specifically to have sex with someone I don't know especially well? No way in hell am I telling them I'm aro.

Are you sure you really want to hear about our experiences? Because it sounds to me like you're just interested in pushing your own view. Don't go telling people whose lives you've never led whether or not it's safe for them to come out to strangers.

[Ikarus]

My intentions where not to push my own view and poke my nose into how other people should coordinate their private lives. I just wanted to offer my thoughts on potential difficulties aroallos could have in these situations and the potential benefits to be had by saying you are aro for friendship situations. I wanted to create a conversation around this to hear what others thought about my reasons. If you don’t like my reasonings then your free to disagree, live your way etc..  All I was trying to say was not saying your aro could possibly lead to more drama, and I was very curious to hear if my ideas connected well with other aroallos, or if I was way of the mark about them in some way.

I could have been a little more careful writing that response and I apologize if it sounds like I was trying to boss a bunch of people around so they would follow my ten commandments. Totally not my intention thought, I’m just curious about what people think about the benefits or drawbacks of saying your aro at first. You @Jot-Aro Kujo definitely have some good reasons though and I respect them, and I don’t mean to sound like I am parenting or giving you should statements. I was just curious about what you thought about my ideas. Also I appreciate your response to some of them, especially this response.

12 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

anyone who would try to get someone to change their mind about a boundary most likely has no intentions of respecting it regardless of the reason given.

Thats a very fair point by the way.  By no means do you have to tell someone you are aro, but I am still curious to hear what other aroallos think. Do you tell others you are aromantic from the beginning? Why or why not? 

 

[ArrowPotato]

To be honest, for a long time I thought that romantic attraction (RA)  is just sexual+platonic (S+P) attraction. 
So now I know that romantic attraction is an attraction on its own, yet I still think that s+p is enough for a relationship. Many allos have sex without RA, but when aros do it, they suddenly have a problem. 

Im cupioromantic bisexual, so I feel S attraction and want to be in a relationship. I just know I won’t be RA to them. I came out to my family (they said not to lose hope, I’ll find someone someday 😂). I came out to my friends, they were supportive but confused. So far I didn’t pursue any relationship cause I live in a homophobic country. But if I will, my family will judge me (they’re conservative) but my friends will support me (they’re harlots at heart 😂 )

As for society, I think many people are very uneducated. Our traits have been associated with negative people (“fckboys", “hard to get”, “cold hearted psychopaths”, etc), so obviously they get offended by our existence (I’m not defending them btw). I think for now we should ignore them (I know it’s easier said than done).
We should also try to get represented more in media. 

As for should you come out to your partner. 
There isn’t a definite answer. It solely depends on a situation. As people above mentioned, for random hookups, the only thing you must mention, is STDs, you aren’t obligated to come out to them. For a more committed relationship, you can say that you’re aro. But you can’t control what the other person feels. They can fall in love whether you told them you’re aro or not. Allos also had a lot of relationships with mutual benefits, then one side fell in love. That happens with everyone.
So as you can see, it’s very interesting and unique 

Hope my rambles helped ✨

[dewy]

I've never been in that kind of relationship as I only recently found out I was aroallo and came to terms with it.

But to answer your second question, yes, I feel some of my loved ones would judge me for it. This is partially why I haven't told my family I'm aromantic. I've started being more open with my friends about being aroallo, though. It's mostly been positive - even helped my friend find out about aroallo as an identity, and that they identify with it - and I feel it's important for me to be completely honest about my identity. But I do fear judgement. Luckily I haven't received much, most people seem pretty chill with it. One time though, when I was talking about being aroallo in a group chat, one of my friends said something like "oh that's just me when I'm feeling sociopathic and horny". Said it was a joke but I did not find it funny (like seriously, that's not the same thing at all >_>)... it felt like a glimpse behind the curtains of what people really think about us aroallo folks.

Comparing sexual attraction without romantic attraction - and just aromanticism in general - to sociopathy... is not it, even if it's meant to be a joke. I don't get it, it's quite common for some alloallos to experience that as well. Is it just "redeemed" because there's more of a chance of romance happening as well? I think amatonormativity affects aroallo people in a unique way, and this is an example of that.

[DeltaAro]

On 6/7/2022 at 1:44 PM, ArrowPotato said:

So now I know that romantic attraction is an attraction on its own, yet I still think that s+p is enough for a relationship.

Depends on the "relationship"... it it is unconventional enough, yes...

But, for example, I simply could not accept cohabitation, no matter how much platonically and sexually attracted (sexual attraction isn't something enduring anyway, but has more a flash in the pan quality) I am to someone.

I know dormitories and barracks. They're bad, for sure. But I can deal with them. At least I have my own bed and the other people are not maximally intrusive 24/7.

On 6/5/2022 at 7:42 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Honestly I just don't usually tell people I'm looking to hook up with that I'm aro. Why should I? It's none of their damn business. Of course I'm up front about the fact that I absolutely will not participate in a romantic relationship, only casual sex, but whenever I tell anyone I'm aro the usual reactions range from "that's not a real thing" to "oh you'll change your mind someday", so. All they need to know is what I will and won't do, not what I am.

I find it difficult to state it that bluntly... It would also not be true. I'm interested in other things, too. If only it does NOT involve romance. So if they want to play e. g. It Takes Two (that's an actual video game and not an euphemism for...😁), that's fine ...