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Aromantic dilemma? Please help me.


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Hi everyone, thank you in advance for reading my story!

I'm new here and I decided to open a topic in here because, like I said in the title, I need advices.

I’m an asexual woman (sex-repulsed) and I’m also in the aromantic spectrum. Throughout my life I have never felt sexual attraction and I have never had a crush on someone, but I do feel a strong aesthetic attraction toward people. A year ago, I met a guy who was aesthetically my type, and I found that we had many interests in common. I liked to talk to him and I liked to hang out with him, but I had never thought about the possibility of liking him (I just thought he was a nice guy). 

At one point my friends told me that he had a crush on me and even though I told them I wasn’t sure I had feelings for him, they insisted and said I should give him a chance. So I listened to them and me and him started to talk more often.

Over time we bonded more, and since my friends kept saying he was interested in me, we started dating.

At first I was happy because our relationship had not changed at all, we were like friends with a stronger bond, but nothing more. I told him I was asexual, and he told me he was ok about that. We talked about what I was ok doing and what made me feel uneasy. However, as the weeks passed, I noticed that he wanted our relationship to become more romantic (for example: kissing, hugging) while I didn’t feel that need at all. The more I realized there was this problem, the more I began to feel uncomfortable because I was sure that I couldn’t do those things in a natural way. The very idea of kissing with him made me feel repulsed. I also realized that although he told me that he was ok with me being sex-repulsed, it was just a short-term deal and probably in the future this would also become a problem, so I decided to break up.

We kept being friends, but for a couple months we stopped seeing each other because he needed some time. During this period I never missed him as a boyfriend, I was convinced that I had made the right choice. But a few days ago we met again for the first time since we broke up and I began to doubt my decision. I felt like nothing had changed between us, I thought he was good-looking, so I started thinking that if I tried to have a relationship with him again I wouldn’t feel as uncomfortable as the first time. I started wondering if I liked him romantically. 

I’m afraid that these are just doubts and that I actually feel comfortable with him again because we are just friends and we aren’t in a romantic relationship. I felt comfortable with him as a person, not as a possible lover. Since the start, the idea of dating him came from my friends and not from me.

I talked about this to a friend of mine (who is in the aromantic spectrum) and she told me that probably it’s just overthinking and that it’s unlikely that my feelings for him changed all of a sudden. She also said that I must take into account that he wants a sexual relationship but I don’t. She thinks that I may have a squish on him  since I have never seen him romantically. Therefore I must be careful because if I act on impulse I could seriously hurt him. But I’m still confused: I’m probably scared of missing out on this opportunity. Since I have many doubts, I’d like to get other people’s opinions. Sorry I wrote so much and sorry if I made mistakes but English is not my first language. Thank you for reading, I hope to receive answers.

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I would suggest ditching him.  If he wants a sexual relationship, and you are sex-repulsed, there is no way this is going to work without hurting one or both of you.  I suggest preventing a disaster before it happens, especially since you have little in the way of romantic feelings for him.

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Sadly, we live in a society that puts a lot of focus on romance. Everyone seems to assume that if loved is over a certain amount, it must be romantic by default. I think your relationship with him sounds more like a squish, which is awesome! But, since he has different needs, I think dating him again would lead to a sad situation for both of you. I think it's great if you can stay good friends with him though. :) 

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