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Questioning if I'm aromantic but also desiring romance...?


Guest DearLord
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Guest DearLord

Hi! So I've been questioning my romantic/sexual orientation for awhile now, and I'm just now starting to consider the possibility of being aromantic. I'm 17 and haven't experienced a real crush. I feel like I have no reference point for what romantic attraction is supposed to feel like. The thing is though, I want to experience romantic attraction and dating. Seeing (good) romance makes me feel all fluttery and warm, but I've never felt this way towards any of my own personal relationships. I'm trying to figure out if I am aromantic, or maybe I am really just a late bloomer in terms of experiencing romantic attraction. I dunno! This is very confusing! But I thought I'd reach out since most of this has been floating around in my head. Any insight is very much appreciated :) 

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It does seem like you are aromantic-spectrum! Here are some other terms you can look into. (The names are links!)

  • Aegoromantic - Someone who enjoys romance in media, enjoys romance in theory, or has romantic fantasies, but doesn't want to be in an romantic relationship and doesn't feel romantic attraction.
  • Romance favorable - An aro-spec who enjoys romance (As in, "a romance favorable aromantic. The others are romance indifferent- an aro-spec who is neutral towards romance, romance repulsed- an aro-spec who is disgusted or scared of romance, and romance ambivalent- an aro-spec whose thoughts on romance are.. complicated...) I can't find a good article on this one 😅 
  • Greyromantic - An aromantic-spectrum identity that's somewhere in the "grey area" between alloromantic and aromantic. It's a pretty broad term. The wiki article I've linked explains it deeper! (Greyromantic is also written as grey aromantic sometimes!)

I would like to add that none these terms have strict definitions. Everyone has their own experience. These labels are meant to explain different peoples' unique feelings. Just because you don't perfectly fit the dictionary definition for "aromantic" doesn't mean you're not!

Edited by Pyr
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@Pyris completely right. There are so many nuances to the aro spectrum, & there's no 'one-size-fits-all' for any identity label. There's no deadline to figure it out & there's also no need for one thing to be completely true for you forever.

I'll also add - sometimes the want for a relationship can come from the culture you've been brought up in. For me, I was out & proud as a bisexual for a decade before I found aromanticism & realised how strongly I identified with it. But, in the time before, I was still holding onto the ideas I'd developed as a young kid - that I would grow up, settle with a husband, have the 2.4, spend all my time with my nuclear family. In a way, it made me devalue my relationships with women & stress more about my failed relationships with men, because they all inevitably failed. For me, it was a relief to discover that a role I had been unconsciously forcing myself into for a long time wasn't the 'be all & end all' - but I also had to really confront & finally let go of this idea of settling down in the traditional way. And my life is much freer & happier for it. This is a long-winded way of me recommending that you really look at what unconscious ideas you have about romance & what romance means to you.

I really have waffled on here.

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